Warning: Complete Rambling of Thoughts Ahead

So I’m in a new season of life. A new one that involves me not knowing a lot of things, which normally would completely freak me out because I like to know the order of things—I’m a detail person if there’s ever been one—but now there’s no way of knowing. And for the first time it’s ok that I don’t know.
For those who maybe don’t know, I just graduated from Carolina (that’s North Carolina—go tarheels!) with my degree in Elementary Education, and a scholarship/loan that binds me to teaching in the state of North Carolina for 4 years as a way to pay back the amount of $26,000 that was granted upon my entrance into the Teaching Fellows Program. All of this is great, except that about a year and a half ago my heart started breaking…and not for the students in my class. Don’t get me wrong—I LOVE CHILDREN. (Otherwise I wouldn’t be working as nanny now! And just for the record, I want about 100 of them myself one day when that time comes.) But as I got further into my major, I realized that teaching was not a passion of mine. Sure I could do it, and I was sort of naturally good at it which made it harder to conceptualize that what I had just spent the last 3 years working towards, was not only something I didn’t want to do, or something I really felt called to do, but I also wasn’t reaching my full potential doing it. So what began as an 18 year old happy to accept a scholarship covering 1/2 of her tuition for college, had now turned into a 21 year old scared to death because she knew she not only had to tell her parents that in a few short years after graduation we might owe the state $26,000, but for the first time she was going to have to not only say she was trusting God with her life, but also DO IT.

So a year and a half later, here I sit. Graduated. Not in North Carolina, but in Tennessee. Nashville, TN. With a degree I don't feel called to use right now. And to be honest, scared out of my mind. Maybe scared isn’t the right word…but whatever the opposite of confident is. That’s what I am. Well, that’s what I’m feeling at the moment anyways.
Back in May, I went to a Beth Moore conference in Boone, NC and the Lord made it SO VERY CLEAR that I was headed the right place, and that this town was exactly where He wanted me for right now. And I had never felt more at peace without a plan. I still do because He has daily reminders and confirmations that I am in the place He has called me to. This is a season of growth and a clinic in trusting Him. But let me just be honest. It’s hard. And at times a bit lonely. I do have 3 roommates, but they are all in school—and we all remember how busy college is—the season of never-ending assignments and papers due at the most inopportune times. So sometimes I feel like I live in this huge house (that was a total God-send to us because the rent is unreal just one house in either direction, and for the size of this place, ours makes no sense…except to say GOD DID IT) alone because as of right now, almost 2 months after moving, I’m STILL job-searching. I am employed by the Nannies of Green Hills, but I’m still interviewing with families to find the one that’s right for me. I really feel like this could be a great opportunity to pour into a family and really make a difference in some kids’ lives, and so I don’t want to just take the first job that offers the most money. In the meantime, the Lord has totally provided with random temp. jobs and belated graduation money that showed up out of nowhere (today actually! PTL!)…but it just works on your heart to feel like you’re not moving forward.

Uh…sorry I feel like I’m rambling, I guess I have just needed to be honest and get out some things that I don’t feel like I can share with many people here. It’s hard to feel like you’re not moving forward, even if you are in the destination you’re supposed to be. My roommate gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it the first week I moved here, and today I pulled it off the wall beside my bed to look at it again. This is what it said:

“But those who live to please the SPIRIT will harvest EVERLASTING LIFE from the spirit. So don’t get tired of doing what is good.. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for He WILL REAP A HARVEST of BLESSING at the APPROPRIATE TIME.” ~Galatians 6:8-9

I couldn’t help but think of this today as I was pretending to be pitiful watching Grey’s Anatomy on my bed. (ps…tv in my bedroom was probably the worst idea I ever had…between that, my computer, my books, and my ipod I could potentially never leave this room…much less the house) This scripture was a timely reminder for me today. DON’T GET DISCOURAGED AND GIVE UP, for HE WILL REAP A HARVEST OF BLESSING. I know the Lord is going to open doors and pave the way and show me exactly where and what to do. The part I always forget to cling to is the Last phrase… “He will reap a harvest AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME.” Appropriate time. Not when I think a “God-blessing” would fit well into my day, not the day that I’m feeling the worst or least confident, and not at all because of anything I will miraculously do to deserve it. In the mean time I’ve got to learn how to be better in the small things. Faithful in the valley…confident in my Jesus because He is worth me believing Him. He has never broken a promise to me, and I know He’s not going to start.
I am most definitely in a period of WAITING. And even now as I sit here typing, I’m reminded of the NIV version of the Psalm I just put up a few days ago…”I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. WAIT for the Lord; be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord.” (v 13-14)

Other places that I’ve received a timely blessing today…
“So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward. For you need endurance in order to do God’s will and so receive what is promised…we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” ~Hebrews 10:35-36; 39

“But you, keep your head…endure hardship, do the work…discharge all the duties of your ministry.” ~2 Timothy 4:5

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” ~2 Peter 1:3

I know the passions that the Lord has placed on my heart to use for Him. I know them and I love them, and I am so excited for Him to continue to mold my passions to match His heart. But in a town like this where everybody is good at their gifts and talents (and I mean GOOD), is it hard to be sure of your own. But I know what the Lord has given me is to be used for Him, and when I get up from here I am pledging to stop being silly and trust His timing for the development of those things in me. One of my dearest friends sent me a card in the mail today (again, I don’t think a coincidence with all I’m thinking through tonight) with this quote on the front..

“To find your talents and nurture them, to imagine your dreams and live them, these are among life’s most precious gifts…Always remember that you are unique in your talents and abilities—so never be shy about the gifts you bring to a welcoming world.”

I’ve always been scared to be confident about the things I’m good at—worried that others will see it as cocky or showing off or something. But in a recent conversation with a friend of mine we concluded that if we are being HUMBLE and OBEDIENT to that which Christ has called us to, and we don’t use what we’ve been given to our fullest potential, we are selling ourselves and God short. He GAVE you your gifts and me mine, and by shying away from the very things we were meant to bless others with is with-holding that blessing that was meant to be given, and the joy of serving Christ that is meant to be ours.

I was again blessed by a portion of the Nashville commissioning that I needed to speak over myself (and I’m praying over each one of you as well)…so I’ll leave you with that. Sorry for writing so much…guess I needed an outlet more than I realized…and thanks to anyone who made it this far and is still “listening”. I love y’all…I really do.

“…No matter what awaits you
Or who doesn't believe you
You are at a crossroad
Don't miss God for the world!
Move past your offense
Forsake every stronghold
And go with God.
You are dearly loved
Completely forgiven
Deeply called
And thoroughly equipped
When you study God's Word!...”