Wednesday, October 14, 2009

a random hi

what up. i don't have anything brilliant to say (ha, hardly ever ;) ) but i just thought i'd put up something cause i just realized it's already been a month since i posted. and i wasn't even having withdrawals. lame. worst blogger ever.

just wanted to talk for a second about the love of Jesus. i have no notes or outline in a word document (not that i ever do, *laughs nervously) so i'm just gonna type. and go with whatever comes out. i have no idea how long or how short this will be, so you're welcome to stay as long as you'd like. ;)

what a sweet and wonderful and overwhelming and heart-wrenching thing it is that we get to experience the greatest love ever known to man. and if we choose, we get to do so every. single. day. are ya'll aware (preaching to myself) that we get God's best every day? there is never a day that He wakes up tired and says, "ugh i'm so over this-you are clearly not getting it". well, first of all he never sleeps. [self-diagnosed insomniac.] i love the way that "The Shack" (not trying to open a discussion on this book. *grin.) author ponders God's perspective of us "getting it right". that He doesn't necessarily sit up there and hang His head every time we screw up (although we certainly cause Him disappointment among a flood of other emotions), but the beauty of His angle is the all-knowing power that He possesses. so while He knows we're going to screw up, and probably even exactly how, maybe He also knows the exact "day" (though He doesn't measure time in the same way we do) that will be the day we beat that addiction. the day we choose to no longer be a child of the world. the day we hear the holy spirit convicting us of something and instead of blowing it off, we actually listen. actually FLEE temptation instead of seeing how close we can get without touching it. the day we choose to live in the power He has given us-the SAME power that raised Christ from the dead, instead of relying on our own strength which will always come up short. he is in our past of screw-ups. he is in our present moment of despair and frustrations at ourself and others. but He is also in the future. waiting. anticipating our arrival in a place of complete and utter perfection. life as it was intended to be. longing for the day that His inheritance will be received-and in case no one has told you, that's you. and that's me. we are the inheritance of the KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS. of the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. the MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH. HE who brings the waves to a halt, and calls forth flowers from the ground in spring. The GOD who holds all the waters of the earth in the palm (that's just one) of His hand, yet goes out of His way to get in the details of your day to bless you. to bless me. THAT GUY wants you. HE wants me. so i guess the question is, do we want Him back?
after a weekend of being poured into, i am so aware of the poverty of my spirit that were it not for grace, i think we'd all dig our own graves. what a mess i am, and what a beautiful mess Jesus is and will make me if i let Him. i am just fascinated that God maintains His love for me right smack dab in the middle of my mistakes. the very moment i choose to be a screw-up, He still could not love me more. i love how He takes our faults, errors, inaccuracies, and conscious moments of stupidity--what would otherwise ruin us--and USES it. grows us in it. blesses others with it. and teaches us about Himself if we will stand to hear it. and when you are flat on your face with no where but "up" to look, you GLADLY stand to hear it. you humbly welcome it, and pray that something solidifies the mush of understanding we perceive life through, enough to be CHANGED by it.

Lord, have mercy. thank you for loving me. for loving me SO scandalously that there is not one thing on this earth to compare it to. for going out of your way to reshape my heart and mind to understand you. to want you. to be changed by you. Lord Jesus i pray you would make me want you more than anything. more than the touch or security of another human being-sister, mentor, friend, or romance-more than all the riches of the world. more than the life you have blessed me to live, i pray You would be my life. help me understand you better. help me take my every thought captive to you. teach me what it means to live in freedom that is not bound by any incompetence or inability on my part. may i rely on you for every bit of what i need. i know you love me. help me live like i know it. oh, to not be caged or restricted by my own insecurities and fears-but to walk humbly in the confidence of whose i am. i love you. i want to love you so much better.
i believe, Father. aware or unaware, help my unbelief.