Tuesday, May 25, 2010

oh just a lil nugget

So I moved this past week. Not houses, but just rooms within our house. I know. Weird. I have now lived in 3 of the 4 bedrooms in our house. I feel accomplished. ;)

One of my goals in moving rooms was that I didn't want to take anything into my new room, that I didn't LOVE. I have been on a mission to simplify my life as far as material things are concerned, and this gave me a major opportunity to chunk the junk. And, I am proud to say, minus a few items (mainly in my closet) that I convinced myself to keep, I genuinely love the space I live in. And that makes me happy.

While cleaning out a rubbermaid storage bin, I found a whole stack of cds that appeared blank. I popped a couple in my computer only to find that they were not blank, but filled with old treasures in the form of dated music and other downloaded items. And then I found a cd labeled "word docs". I assumed it was something with all of my college papers from UNC, but I stuck it in anyways. I found some nuggets and bits from my time in Chapel Hill, but they were not at all the research papers and ridiculous book reports as I had thought. Instead, it was all of my own personal writings I had thrown my emotions into, during my "spare" time ...aka the time you say, "Forget it. I'm sick of this. I don't care if I fail my ancient cities history exam. I'm doing something fun." ...and to me, writing was fun.

I don't have a blog post ready and this was already written....so here's a little nugget from a moment of extra-curricular exam-studying stalling. Like it. Don't like it. It's really all ok, because for the moment I was writing it, all the ancient cities were far far away and not bugging me with their statue replicas and paintings of hillsides that looked just like the ones in my backyard.
Sooooo, I win. (Except for the part where I failed the exam.)

It doesn't have a title, so you can't make one up if you want. Smile.
(And sorry if I'm totally ruining the moment for putting part of it on Facebook. Just pretend we're not friends on there and you've never seen it.)

With just a word the darkness you erased
Like an artist with a muse began to paint
Competitors can imitate- or cast an effort to defeat
But the created can’t contend with what he sees

(Unending are the reasons I adore you
Limitless perfection flows from your every phrase
Remembering each heart with every sunrise
Amazing grace displayed in a thousand shades)

Beauty without boundary or border
In every newborn’s face- intently captured
Each horizon sings a melody of praise
Original in fact, no two the same

(Unending are the reasons I adore you
Limitless perfection flows from your every phrase
Remembering each heart with every sunrise
Amazing grace displayed in a thousand shades)

One image still remains to be desired
A soul that demonstrates a higher power
One who’s given up their own design
For what a sacred artist had in mind

Friday, May 14, 2010


Sunday, May 2, 2010

selfish you, or selfish me

i have absolutely no idea how this is gonna come out. i'm just chewing on stuff and i'm gonna spit it out and hope it looks better in person than on the inside.

i have been on the receiving side of some selfish behavior lately. it has taught me a lot, and not, shockingly, that the owner of the said behavior is a moron. grin. because they are not. this person actually is quite a lovely human being, with a very generous spirit, who just happens to turn inward a little too often for my liking. i will say, the majority of this person's actions have been minimally thought-out, and have occurred at seemingly (by the tone of their voice) frustrating times in their day (at least i pray so for my sanity). nevertheless, the world does not revolve around their comfort and happiness, and it is not my job to ensure that it does. (ps i love the word nevertheless. it's like somebody just got bored and decided to mash 3 words together, crossed their fingers, and somehow it worked.)

before i cause you to become disinterested with my negative and complaining self, i'll enlighten you to my current thoughts on the topic, which are slightly less woe-is-me, and slightly more productive.

recently, i had a new friend enter my life. we'll call her loretta. (grin.) loretta is the most generous, non-judgmental, warm-hearted, and welcoming person i have met in a long, long time. i'm not sure i've ever met someone whom i loved and adored every detail of while, in the same instance, learned her face and name for the first time. she entered my life completely unannounced, and has rendered me speechless on many occasions with her talent, encouragement, and vigor for all things honest. i was dumping a dose of negativity and frustration on her one day, and she said something to me that has been so profound since then in my attempts to find peaceful ground during my unbridled moments of irritation and annoyance:

"....you know you're not actually frustrated at [selfish acting person] right? you're frustrated at yourself because you are not where you want to be, and in some ways you've chosen to allow yourself to stay there. [person's] behavior hasn't changed as long as you've known [person], so if it didn't bother you before, why would it bother you now? maybe it's good that you're frustrated because you know it means it is time to move on."

dern. loretta got my toes. and my heart. are any of us entitled to act in a way that is demeaning or attempts to be hierarchical over another human being? no. does it happen? yes. this particular person has no idea that i have been offended in any way by things said or done pointing in my general direction. mainly because i'm too chicken to say so. but loretta is on to something. why is it, if this person has always been who they are for the amount of time i've known them, would it just now be bothering me years later? the mere musing of their behavior brings a stirring in my heart over it. and not just an "i'm annoyed" stirring. it's an unsettling feeling. that something isn't right.....inside of ME.

God is calling me to move forward on some things that scare me. things that thrill me, but things that scare me. and that affects every other thought that passes through my heart. i am in an uncomfortable place. but we can be blessed by uncomfortable (wink) if we will allow God to have some space. aka: stepping outside of MY own selfishness, and being concerned with MY wants and perceived needs. my reacting selfishly (whether only done secretly in my thought-life or through gossiping to others about it) does nothing but make me seem hypocritical for being upset about the very behavior that kidnapped my emotions to begin with. are we called to be doormats? no. but we are called to be servants. maybe if i was less concerned with my feelings of how inconvenienced i feel by being treated poorly, and more concerned with keeping the eyes of my heart focused on where God was calling me, i would stop feeling entitled to be angry about their behavior. it's not about figuring out who or what is right in a fleeting moment of poorly weaved emotions. we are all on our own path, and it's what we allow God to do through us while on it that matters.

comic relief: for instance, like the fact that i am trying to be upset that our internet isn't working, when in fact, we cancelled our cable and internet months ago, and just so happen to be close enough to the neighbors to pick up their signal. it's not my fault they gave us the password and permission to use it. it is my fault that i act FIVE about it when it doesn't work.

my mind is tiring.....am i excusing every selfish act done or word spoken by another person towards you or i? no. sometimes people act like morons and you just call a spade a spade. but what i am saying, as is with most things, it is your reaction that determines the effectual product that will be seen in your life because of it.

i've been mulling over lots of things recently...two of them being hypocrisy and pride-what causes them, and how they affect us. so i'll leave you with the last thoughts i had about them today as i was brainstorming and writing in the rain.
i love ya'll..nashville is a mess. hope you're staying dry.

[It’s the height of hypocrisy
This mountain where our sorrow sleeps
Awakened by the mourning of our own mediocrity
We come crashing to the valley on our weakened knees
Searching for pieces of regret among our selfish debris
Grace reassembles gently, our muddled sense of hope
As we all travel on the narrow road home]