Thursday, February 8, 2007

an internal battle: the war begins

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to share this next post. (Haha...I just spelled "poast" accidently and it made me think of toast...and then I got hungry..) Maybe it's because I'm stalling to write my lesson on healthy teeth for my first graders tomorrow. :) Maybe it's because I'm jittery after the coffee I just drank and need to exercise my fingers. But maybe it's because I'm finding that every time I share a little bit more of my story, it hurts a little less--and gets me one step closer to reclaiming much surrendered ground from the enemy--ground that never should have been his in the first place. Maybe you've been there, maybe you haven't...or maybe you've experienced this same kind of attach from Satan in a different area of your life. The words that are about to follow are not easy to share. At one point the truth of my circumstances hurt my heart more than ever. But they are also healing words--words of a PAST that as of January 1, 2007, I have been DELIVERED from; completely FREED from--and words that brought me into the greatest LOVE relationship of my life with Jesus Christ, my one and only.

So here it first journal after returning from Passion '07 in Atlanta.. (forgive me, sometimes I talk to my journal like it can answer me back. *grin*)

"I can't tell you what joy I have in my heart as I write this. I just returned from the Passion '07 Conference where my life was forever changed. I mean FOREVER CHANGED. I am NOT the most articulate gal God ever created (don't worry...we've talked it through and He's ok with that), so you will have to bear with me as I stumble through this. As I sit here writing, I am clutching a kleenex in my hand to catch the ocean of tears that are streaming down my face. They are the happiest, most wonderful tears I have ever cried in my life.

I have struggled with issues of insecurity and self-esteem for as long as I can remember. By the grace of God I never had the desire to experiment with my wild side in high school and so never had to deal with any major struggles of drugs or alcohol--I just had no interest what-so-ever. The devil KNEW where to get me though. I honestly can not remember a single day where I walked out of the house feeling 'pretty' and was constantly eaten away by the (what I now know are)-->lies in my head that told me I was worthless, had no value, and meant nothing to anybody--except my family, who had to love me cause they were my family. I never really 'fit' in anywhere with a particular friend group. I was just sort of a wall flower that got lost in the shadows of everyone else.

I know that most girls struggle with image issues or self-esteem battles, but for me, this was the largest stronghold of my life. I can remember going all day without food. I never ate breakfast and would skip lunch to 'do homework', and then go bust my tail at either soccer, volleyball, or basketball practice...followed by some more running at the walking park near my know, just in case I happened to breathe in some calories from a piece of gum when someone walked by.

I can just remember those thoughts of 'you will never be good enough', 'you are too fat', and 'you're so ugly' as I tried on clothes and refused to by them if they were past a certain number. Whenever I felt too full, I would go upstairs to the bathroom and stand over the toilet in an absolute war with myself--hoping that I had the courage to go through with it, and praying that I didn't. The Lord is the only explanation for why I never was able to give myself the eating disorder my flesh so desired. Praise the Lord for He is faithful even when we are not!

This past fall, I attended the Women of Faith 'Contagious Joy' Conference in Charlotte...and contagious joy I caught. Well, for like a week. I quickly fell right back down into my pit of lies--worrying that I would never fully know God's plan for my life because I couldn't (well-wouldn't) trust the things that He said about me long enough to stand on my own two feet. As ludicrous as it sounds, I REALLY thought that I was the one person God could not use or love, and that my mistakes were unforgivable.

The problem for me was never not-knowing the truths that God said about me--it was that I didn't believe them. I was so far into the enemies lies, he had me making up new lies myself that I SO believed had to be true--even though they could not have been farther from the truth. The enemy was prepared to kill, steal, and destroy me...and so far, I hadn't put up much of a fight."