Wednesday, April 28, 2010

confessions and color strokes

[ok, first let me say, my big face is plastered in my header. i'm aware, and i'm sure it's just a phase. so just go with it.]

i was thinking today about blogging, and immediately had the urge to change my background, bloggy-accessories, etc., and then i started thinking about this pattern i have. i have been a bad blogger. i am the first to admit it. it wasn't always this way, but at least for the last year (ahem, 2 years) i have shamelessly worn the banner of "oh yeah that's abby, she is a blogger, well, sort of". no "awww honey" 's necessary...i know it, and i claim it. grin. (and it's totally fine and in reality i have no bad feelings about not blogging, but it goes with my post so just hush. mmm hmm.)

every time i try to come back, repent of my horrible non-blogging tendencies, recommit myself to the blogging community, and promise to write more often than i wash my hair (which if you know me shouldn't be a hard thing because you know it is not often), i feel the need to re-vamp and give my blog a background makeover. why is that? when most of the time the one i have will suffice for a blogger with mediocrity at the forefront of my online attendance patterns. (wow i worked so hard to used "mediocrity" right in that sentence.)

**i also feel the need to add that i am typing this while listening to Taio Cruz/Ludacris-Break Your Heart. "i'm only gonna break break your break break your heart." how fitting. cracking self up.**

while pondering this tendency of having to make everything new and start over, i realized this same pattern in another area of my life-journaling. again, if you know me, you know i'm a huge journal keeper with a large addiction to buying new ones--a habit that my wallet contents mourn over almost weekly. i am thrilled by the prospect of the thoughts and musings i will one day record on the pages of every new rectangle journey-keeper (that made me think of trapper-keepers, holla). and for the sake of creativity, i will gladly remain poor for the opportunity to discover something new about myself when my pen hits the pages of a freshly cracked paper spine. rarely do i actually finish an entire journal cover to cover because i can't stand the thought of the blankness calling to me from the (at least) 5 blank-ones i have stocked on my shelf in any given moment or season.

so the point. i have this need to "fix" things. i've always been a fixer. i'd call it a curse for the guilt it causes me when i can't fix the highlighted task in front of me (be it mine or for someone else), but it is also often the trait in me that spurs me on to help others when i see something that i know i can help with. so i'll claim it and pray for peace when it's not mine to fix. whenever i start over with a new season, or just a new out-look on something in general, i tend to feel like i have to erase or cover-up the past by re-writing the present. revamping the current, to make up for inconsistencies in my previous stride. i feel like if i completely start over (new journal, new blog page) it's as if the former never existed. the problem with that?

every bit of who i am is a direct correlation of where i've been. the step i was just on. the issue i just dealt with, (or am currently dealing with). it is ALL a part of me. and the fact that the bumps are allowed, helps me perceive that they can be intentional points of learning, possibly moments of changing direction, but mainly exist to strengthen and grow me from my present point into a future purpose or position, hopefully with more depth and meaning than the last.

to erase everything that was, is to discredit the work it took to get you there. and by george, life is hard enough not to give credit where credit is due for the things that we walk through and overcome with God's help. and this is where i insert a quote of awesomeness sent my way by this girl on a day whose timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated.

[If your life was like a painting,the strokes that are being added to the canvas today may not make much sense when viewed alone. However, God doesn't waste any strokes...for He sees the final picture...You may think the color being used today is too gray...[but] the time will come when you will see that the meaning of the painting would be weakened if the gray strokes were not included in the exact places they appear.] ~anonymous

(and i hope she won't mind that i'm about to steal her words of encouragement to me to also share with you.) gray in one spot on a painting could look like a blob, whereas in a carefully placed spot, it adds depth and sets off something vitally important to the point of the painting. this "gray" is being carefully stroked into the exact place it needs to be, so that it brings your future - the very masterpiece of your life - to light.
(and yes, she is brilliant)

because i'm a nerd and like to say things like "in conclusion" this is where i'll end.
in conclusion, i'm in a gray spot.
and yes i started a new journal.
and yes i changed my blog. again.
but i'm learning to embrace this gray spot for all it's worth, and see the beauty in every tiny curve and bend in it's stroke.


14 comments:

Dedra said...

I love you and all your greyness.. you are beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Hey abby lane!! I think you are awesome, and love your tweets! could you please stop by my blog sometime and check it out? it would mean soo much!! if you want to it is courtneysmithmusic.wordpress.com
thank you for being an encouragment and inspiration to me! :) love and blessings, court

Anonymous said...

and by the way...this entry is simply beautiful!!! I just started reading your blog and I think I am addicted haha :) ~court

Leah @ Point Ministries said...

First~~~~ "to erase everything that was, is to discredit the work it took to get you there. and by george, life is hard enough not to give credit where credit is due for the things that we walk through and overcome with God's help." LIKE!!

Second, you have plenty who love you who will walk with you through the grey AND in fact they may be going through grey too!!

Me

Melinda said...

I love you Abby Lane Hinton. Gray just might be my new favorite color.

3girlsmom said...

You are the coolest person I know.

And you said "by george."

Awesome.

HisTreasuredPossession said...

Abby, this is wonderful...and I totally get it b/c that where I've been these last 9 months myself. Only you've written more beautifully than I could even think it! thank you!!

hugs,
rachel

Mary R Snyder said...

I left you this really cool comment but it was eaten by the internet blog goblins... and yes, they do exist.

Back to my comment.

You ROCK Abby! I love that you love fresh starts, fresh journals, and do overs. You have such a heart for others and your commitment to Jesus is what makes you so wonderful and awesome.

I stand in Awe.... wait, I'm Odd, you're Awed...

Love you chick and I couldn't resist the silly pun because I love a cheap laugh... heck, I love any laugh.

Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife said...

Sister, I love you.

Love your big 'ole head in your header.

Love your honesty.

Love that I have a friend who is also obsessed with blank journals.

The filled ones are chronicles, child, and every blank page full of potential. I love watching how things that 'could be' become things that 'are'. You are both now and becoming a wonderful woman I am so blessed to call friend.

Just read back over this wording. It makes no sense but my tired brain is praying you can translate the intent.

Little Steps Of Faith said...

I am so glad that I am not the only one with the obsession to buy new journals:) I just bought a really pretty one like a month or so ago, and now I still walk in to Barnesnoble and go," Well, I could also buy that one..." Discipline.

Truthfully, I think we go through "blogging" phases, unless you have a brain that doesn't shut up unless you write...don't worry about it:)

I am quite sure your brain is never bored these days:)

So great to finally meet you BTW.

xoxo
ang

Lindsey said...

Love the look...

for the record, I totally agree on the fresh starts and do overs idea.

wonderful to have met you last weekend....looking forward to getting to know you even better through the blog world. visits to nashville soon!!

Lindsee said...

I like it when you blog. :)

Cortney said...

So I was just browsing blogs looking for one that wasn't boring when I found yours. And I have to say...I love it. (: I went back and read through some of your older posts as well so I'm not just saying nice things for the heck of it. So you have a new follower. (:

Oh and btw....grey is the best color because it's easy to change it into something awesome. I love your honesty too.(:

KatVanD said...

I stumbled across your blog after making my fresh start via a new blog. I myself have realized that I go through phases of "newness" as well. It seems like every time I watch the Devil Wear's Prada I go out and get bangs and have my hair straightened. I go six months without getting the bangs trimmed or my roots done and then one night Starz Is showing that blasted movie and the next day Fringe here, Roots gone and I feel like a new person. There are times when I feel like I have to start fresh with the people in my life too. I think at our age during this time in our lives, it's normal. Go with it. Embrace it, Plaster your beautiful face on your blog header for as long as you want.

BTW. I'm adding you to my blog list.