Hemmed In

hummus and sushi

2010-06-07T23:54:00.003-05:00

i promise i'm trying to blog. i just can't seem to sit still long enough to do it.

and i am distracted. all i can think about it hummus and sushi.
but not together. just separate, and equally amazing. today it's spicy, brown rice cali roll....and white bean hummus.

tomorrow may be different. i'll let you know.

also, my friend is out of town, and i miss her.

airplane thoughts coming soon.

oh just a lil nugget

2010-05-25T13:52:00.006-05:00

So I moved this past week. Not houses, but just rooms within our house. I know. Weird. I have now lived in 3 of the 4 bedrooms in our house. I feel accomplished. ;)

One of my goals in moving rooms was that I didn't want to take anything into my new room, that I didn't LOVE. I have been on a mission to simplify my life as far as material things are concerned, and this gave me a major opportunity to chunk the junk. And, I am proud to say, minus a few items (mainly in my closet) that I convinced myself to keep, I genuinely love the space I live in. And that makes me happy.

While cleaning out a rubbermaid storage bin, I found a whole stack of cds that appeared blank. I popped a couple in my computer only to find that they were not blank, but filled with old treasures in the form of dated music and other downloaded items. And then I found a cd labeled "word docs". I assumed it was something with all of my college papers from UNC, but I stuck it in anyways. I found some nuggets and bits from my time in Chapel Hill, but they were not at all the research papers and ridiculous book reports as I had thought. Instead, it was all of my own personal writings I had thrown my emotions into, during my "spare" time ...aka the time you say, "Forget it. I'm sick of this. I don't care if I fail my ancient cities history exam. I'm doing something fun." ...and to me, writing was fun.

I don't have a blog post ready and this was already written....so here's a little nugget from a moment of extra-curricular exam-studying stalling. Like it. Don't like it. It's really all ok, because for the moment I was writing it, all the ancient cities were far far away and not bugging me with their statue replicas and paintings of hillsides that looked just like the ones in my backyard.
Sooooo, I win. (Except for the part where I failed the exam.)

It doesn't have a title, so you can't make one up if you want. Smile.
(And sorry if I'm totally ruining the moment for putting part of it on Facebook. Just pretend we're not friends on there and you've never seen it.)
Kbye.

With just a word the darkness you erased
Like an artist with a muse began to paint
Competitors can imitate- or cast an effort to defeat
But the created can’t contend with what he sees

(Unending are the reasons I adore you
Limitless perfection flows from your every phrase
Remembering each heart with every sunrise
Amazing grace displayed in a thousand shades)

Beauty without boundary or border
In every newborn’s face- intently captured
Each horizon sings a melody of praise
Original in fact, no two the same

(Unending are the reasons I adore you
Limitless perfection flows from your every phrase
Remembering each heart with every sunrise
Amazing grace displayed in a thousand shades)

One image still remains to be desired
A soul that demonstrates a higher power
One who’s given up their own design
For what a sacred artist had in mind

LAMENT

2010-05-14T02:03:00.000-05:00

selfish you, or selfish me

2010-05-02T23:14:00.011-05:00

i have absolutely no idea how this is gonna come out. i'm just chewing on stuff and i'm gonna spit it out and hope it looks better in person than on the inside.

i have been on the receiving side of some selfish behavior lately. it has taught me a lot, and not, shockingly, that the owner of the said behavior is a moron. grin. because they are not. this person actually is quite a lovely human being, with a very generous spirit, who just happens to turn inward a little too often for my liking. i will say, the majority of this person's actions have been minimally thought-out, and have occurred at seemingly (by the tone of their voice) frustrating times in their day (at least i pray so for my sanity). nevertheless, the world does not revolve around their comfort and happiness, and it is not my job to ensure that it does. (ps i love the word nevertheless. it's like somebody just got bored and decided to mash 3 words together, crossed their fingers, and somehow it worked.)

before i cause you to become disinterested with my negative and complaining self, i'll enlighten you to my current thoughts on the topic, which are slightly less woe-is-me, and slightly more productive.

recently, i had a new friend enter my life. we'll call her loretta. (grin.) loretta is the most generous, non-judgmental, warm-hearted, and welcoming person i have met in a long, long time. i'm not sure i've ever met someone whom i loved and adored every detail of while, in the same instance, learned her face and name for the first time. she entered my life completely unannounced, and has rendered me speechless on many occasions with her talent, encouragement, and vigor for all things honest. i was dumping a dose of negativity and frustration on her one day, and she said something to me that has been so profound since then in my attempts to find peaceful ground during my unbridled moments of irritation and annoyance:

"....you know you're not actually frustrated at [selfish acting person] right? you're frustrated at yourself because you are not where you want to be, and in some ways you've chosen to allow yourself to stay there. [person's] behavior hasn't changed as long as you've known [person], so if it didn't bother you before, why would it bother you now? maybe it's good that you're frustrated because you know it means it is time to move on."

dern. loretta got my toes. and my heart. are any of us entitled to act in a way that is demeaning or attempts to be hierarchical over another human being? no. does it happen? yes. this particular person has no idea that i have been offended in any way by things said or done pointing in my general direction. mainly because i'm too chicken to say so. but loretta is on to something. why is it, if this person has always been who they are for the amount of time i've known them, would it just now be bothering me years later? the mere musing of their behavior brings a stirring in my heart over it. and not just an "i'm annoyed" stirring. it's an unsettling feeling. that something isn't right.....inside of ME.

God is calling me to move forward on some things that scare me. things that thrill me, but things that scare me. and that affects every other thought that passes through my heart. i am in an uncomfortable place. but we can be blessed by uncomfortable (wink) if we will allow God to have some space. aka: stepping outside of MY own selfishness, and being concerned with MY wants and perceived needs. my reacting selfishly (whether only done secretly in my thought-life or through gossiping to others about it) does nothing but make me seem hypocritical for being upset about the very behavior that kidnapped my emotions to begin with. are we called to be doormats? no. but we are called to be servants. maybe if i was less concerned with my feelings of how inconvenienced i feel by being treated poorly, and more concerned with keeping the eyes of my heart focused on where God was calling me, i would stop feeling entitled to be angry about their behavior. it's not about figuring out who or what is right in a fleeting moment of poorly weaved emotions. we are all on our own path, and it's what we allow God to do through us while on it that matters.

comic relief: for instance, like the fact that i am trying to be upset that our internet isn't working, when in fact, we cancelled our cable and internet months ago, and just so happen to be close enough to the neighbors to pick up their signal. it's not my fault they gave us the password and permission to use it. it is my fault that i act FIVE about it when it doesn't work.

my mind is tiring.....am i excusing every selfish act done or word spoken by another person towards you or i? no. sometimes people act like morons and you just call a spade a spade. but what i am saying, as is with most things, it is your reaction that determines the effectual product that will be seen in your life because of it.

i've been mulling over lots of things recently...two of them being hypocrisy and pride-what causes them, and how they affect us. so i'll leave you with the last thoughts i had about them today as i was brainstorming and writing in the rain.
i love ya'll..nashville is a mess. hope you're staying dry.

[It’s the height of hypocrisy
This mountain where our sorrow sleeps
Awakened by the mourning of our own mediocrity
We come crashing to the valley on our weakened knees
Searching for pieces of regret among our selfish debris
Grace reassembles gently, our muddled sense of hope
As we all travel on the narrow road home]

confessions and color strokes

2010-04-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

[ok, first let me say, my big face is plastered in my header. i'm aware, and i'm sure it's just a phase. so just go with it.]

i was thinking today about blogging, and immediately had the urge to change my background, bloggy-accessories, etc., and then i started thinking about this pattern i have. i have been a bad blogger. i am the first to admit it. it wasn't always this way, but at least for the last year (ahem, 2 years) i have shamelessly worn the banner of "oh yeah that's abby, she is a blogger, well, sort of". no "awww honey" 's necessary...i know it, and i claim it. grin. (and it's totally fine and in reality i have no bad feelings about not blogging, but it goes with my post so just hush. mmm hmm.)

every time i try to come back, repent of my horrible non-blogging tendencies, recommit myself to the blogging community, and promise to write more often than i wash my hair (which if you know me shouldn't be a hard thing because you know it is not often), i feel the need to re-vamp and give my blog a background makeover. why is that? when most of the time the one i have will suffice for a blogger with mediocrity at the forefront of my online attendance patterns. (wow i worked so hard to used "mediocrity" right in that sentence.)

**i also feel the need to add that i am typing this while listening to Taio Cruz/Ludacris-Break Your Heart. "i'm only gonna break break your break break your heart." how fitting. cracking self up.**

while pondering this tendency of having to make everything new and start over, i realized this same pattern in another area of my life-journaling. again, if you know me, you know i'm a huge journal keeper with a large addiction to buying new ones--a habit that my wallet contents mourn over almost weekly. i am thrilled by the prospect of the thoughts and musings i will one day record on the pages of every new rectangle journey-keeper (that made me think of trapper-keepers, holla). and for the sake of creativity, i will gladly remain poor for the opportunity to discover something new about myself when my pen hits the pages of a freshly cracked paper spine. rarely do i actually finish an entire journal cover to cover because i can't stand the thought of the blankness calling to me from the (at least) 5 blank-ones i have stocked on my shelf in any given moment or season.

so the point. i have this need to "fix" things. i've always been a fixer. i'd call it a curse for the guilt it causes me when i can't fix the highlighted task in front of me (be it mine or for someone else), but it is also often the trait in me that spurs me on to help others when i see something that i know i can help with. so i'll claim it and pray for peace when it's not mine to fix. whenever i start over with a new season, or just a new out-look on something in general, i tend to feel like i have to erase or cover-up the past by re-writing the present. revamping the current, to make up for inconsistencies in my previous stride. i feel like if i completely start over (new journal, new blog page) it's as if the former never existed. the problem with that?

every bit of who i am is a direct correlation of where i've been. the step i was just on. the issue i just dealt with, (or am currently dealing with). it is ALL a part of me. and the fact that the bumps are allowed, helps me perceive that they can be intentional points of learning, possibly moments of changing direction, but mainly exist to strengthen and grow me from my present point into a future purpose or position, hopefully with more depth and meaning than the last.

to erase everything that was, is to discredit the work it took to get you there. and by george, life is hard enough not to give credit where credit is due for the things that we walk through and overcome with God's help. and this is where i insert a quote of awesomeness sent my way by this girl on a day whose timing could not have been more perfectly orchestrated.

[If your life was like a painting,the strokes that are being added to the canvas today may not make much sense when viewed alone. However, God doesn't waste any strokes...for He sees the final picture...You may think the color being used today is too gray...[but] the time will come when you will see that the meaning of the painting would be weakened if the gray strokes were not included in the exact places they appear.] ~anonymous

(and i hope she won't mind that i'm about to steal her words of encouragement to me to also share with you.) gray in one spot on a painting could look like a blob, whereas in a carefully placed spot, it adds depth and sets off something vitally important to the point of the painting. this "gray" is being carefully stroked into the exact place it needs to be, so that it brings your future - the very masterpiece of your life - to light.
(and yes, she is brilliant)

because i'm a nerd and like to say things like "in conclusion" this is where i'll end.
in conclusion, i'm in a gray spot.
and yes i started a new journal.
and yes i changed my blog. again.
but i'm learning to embrace this gray spot for all it's worth, and see the beauty in every tiny curve and bend in it's stroke.

trees and anonymity

2010-04-26T22:27:00.001-05:00

there is so much going on in my heart and mind that were i to start typing, i fear you would be sucked into "TMI" oblivion and never return. so i'll refrain, and just talk about trees.

[A century ago, a few fragile seeds fell upon rocky soil. Through drought and flood, they clung tightly to earth, stubbornly stretching toward the heavens. Today, silver maple, post oak, and black walnut trees surround our home like tall, loyal sentinels. Their intricate, mingled root systems support the round below...

...Bursting with shades of green, the leaves dance in the breeze. Winter's reduction is coming, but that does not halt the dance. Trees celebrate the moment, temporary though it is. In the spring, their new growth sings of hope. Their lush green offers peace in the summer. In the fall, their colorful collages inspire creativity. And in their emptiness, trees grace the winter with silent elegance...

...What the plenty of summer hides, the nakedness of winter reveals: infrastructure. Fullness often distracts from foundations. But in the stillness of winter, the trees' true strength is unveiled...A tree's posture is all-open, like arms ready for an embrace. So very vulnerable, yet so very strong. I find the display quieting and full of grace.

In winter, are the trees bare? yes.
In winter, are the trees barren? no.
Life still is.

...In spiritual winters, our fullness is thinned so that, undistracted by our giftings, we can focus upon our character. In the absence of anything to measure, we are left with nothing to stare at except for our foundation. Risking inspection, we begin to examine the motivations that support our deeds, the attitudes that influence our words, the ded wood otherwise hidden beneath our busyness. Then a life-changing transition occurs as we move from resistance through repentance to the place of rest. With gratitude, we simply abide...

In winter are we bare? yes.
In winter are we barren? no.
True life still is.

The Father's work in us does not sleep--though in spiritual winters he retracts all advertisement. And when he does so, he is purifying our faith, strengthening our character, conserving our energy, and preparing us for the future.
The sleep days of winter hide us so that the seductive days of summer will not ruin us.

...Hidden hopes. Hidden dreams. Hidden gifts. All of us are acquainted with chapters in life when our visible fruitfulness is pruned back, our previously praiseworthy strengths become dormant, and our abilities are unnoticed by the watching world. Like a flower whose budding glory is covered up by we leaves, we sense the weight of hiddenness in our hearts and whisper, "I have so much more to give and be."

But there is One who can see the beauty of that covered, smothered flower. And, mysteriously, His delight in that beauty is not diminished by its leafy camouflage. Neither would his pleasure be amplified by the flower's visibility...Obedience to this God who appreciates the visible and invisible equally has led many truly great souls into long seasons of anonymity. Some emerged from obscurity into eminence. Others remained relatively unknown. All agreed that God never wastes anyone's time.

Whether we enter hiddenness deliberately (as in pursuing as education or relocating with a new job) or unwillingly (as in an extended illness or in grief following the loss of a loved one), we can spend years feeling that the greatest part of us is submerged in the unseen, as though others can only see the tip of the ice-berg of who we really are.

Through chattering teeth, arctic scientists inform us that only one-eighth to one-tenth of an iceberg is visible. As much as 90% is submerged in the unseen. Because of their enormous mass, with that proportion, icebergs are virtually indestructible.

The most influential life in all of history reflected the iceberg equation. Ninety percent of his life on earth was spent in obscurity. Ten percent of his earthly life was spent in the public eye. And all of his life was, and still is. absolutely indestructible.]

taken from "Anonymous" by Alicia Britt Chole

what are you a slave to?

2010-03-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

tthoughts about some things coming soon...but for now...

Philippians 2 (The Message)

He Took on the Status of a Slave

1-4If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

9-11Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.

_________________________

what are you a slave to? if it's anything other than Christ, and His freedom, we have to surrender that bondage over to Him so we can live worthy of the calling we have received. (ephesians 4:1) we can not serve two masters. (matthew 6:24)
no Judas kiss is too much for Christ to handle. He deserves more than our betrayal, and we are worth more than our inconsistencies allow us to be. let's get free, how bout?

back soon :)

re-post: disturb me

2010-01-25T14:53:00.000-06:00

i have posted part of this before...but it has just been on my heart again.
so if you've already seen it....
......um, i guess you may leave. :)

disturb me for the one whose given up 
for the one who’s perseverance has run out 
disturb me for the heart that knows no love 
that looks everywhere else to find their worth  

disturb me for the one who lives in chains 
for the one who’s captive in the prison of their shame 
disturb me as a former prisoner of despair 
whose warden was her own jealousy and fear  

*burden me so I can see your heart 
that my hunger might be for something more 
teach me how to serve  
with words of grace and hands of love 
i long to feel the dust around your feet 
disturb me

disturb me in the places of my heart
that have hardened, become numb to life
disturb me out of comfort zones
remind me of the passion with which I once burned

disturb my happiness
that I may seek joy in you instead
disturb my busyness and noise
let your whispers be my guiding voice

*burden me so I can see your heart 
that my hunger might be for something more 
teach me how to serve  
with words of grace and hands of love 
i long to feel the dust around your feet 
disturb me  

a random hi

2009-10-14T16:50:00.000-05:00

what up. i don't have anything brilliant to say (ha, hardly ever ;) ) but i just thought i'd put up something cause i just realized it's already been a month since i posted. and i wasn't even having withdrawals. lame. worst blogger ever.

just wanted to talk for a second about the love of Jesus. i have no notes or outline in a word document (not that i ever do, *laughs nervously) so i'm just gonna type. and go with whatever comes out. i have no idea how long or how short this will be, so you're welcome to stay as long as you'd like. ;)

what a sweet and wonderful and overwhelming and heart-wrenching thing it is that we get to experience the greatest love ever known to man. and if we choose, we get to do so every. single. day. are ya'll aware (preaching to myself) that we get God's best every day? there is never a day that He wakes up tired and says, "ugh i'm so over this-you are clearly not getting it". well, first of all he never sleeps. [self-diagnosed insomniac.] i love the way that "The Shack" (not trying to open a discussion on this book. *grin.) author ponders God's perspective of us "getting it right". that He doesn't necessarily sit up there and hang His head every time we screw up (although we certainly cause Him disappointment among a flood of other emotions), but the beauty of His angle is the all-knowing power that He possesses. so while He knows we're going to screw up, and probably even exactly how, maybe He also knows the exact "day" (though He doesn't measure time in the same way we do) that will be the day we beat that addiction. the day we choose to no longer be a child of the world. the day we hear the holy spirit convicting us of something and instead of blowing it off, we actually listen. actually FLEE temptation instead of seeing how close we can get without touching it. the day we choose to live in the power He has given us-the SAME power that raised Christ from the dead, instead of relying on our own strength which will always come up short. he is in our past of screw-ups. he is in our present moment of despair and frustrations at ourself and others. but He is also in the future. waiting. anticipating our arrival in a place of complete and utter perfection. life as it was intended to be. longing for the day that His inheritance will be received-and in case no one has told you, that's you. and that's me. we are the inheritance of the KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS. of the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. the MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH. HE who brings the waves to a halt, and calls forth flowers from the ground in spring. The GOD who holds all the waters of the earth in the palm (that's just one) of His hand, yet goes out of His way to get in the details of your day to bless you. to bless me. THAT GUY wants you. HE wants me. so i guess the question is, do we want Him back?
after a weekend of being poured into, i am so aware of the poverty of my spirit that were it not for grace, i think we'd all dig our own graves. what a mess i am, and what a beautiful mess Jesus is and will make me if i let Him. i am just fascinated that God maintains His love for me right smack dab in the middle of my mistakes. the very moment i choose to be a screw-up, He still could not love me more. i love how He takes our faults, errors, inaccuracies, and conscious moments of stupidity--what would otherwise ruin us--and USES it. grows us in it. blesses others with it. and teaches us about Himself if we will stand to hear it. and when you are flat on your face with no where but "up" to look, you GLADLY stand to hear it. you humbly welcome it, and pray that something solidifies the mush of understanding we perceive life through, enough to be CHANGED by it.

Lord, have mercy. thank you for loving me. for loving me SO scandalously that there is not one thing on this earth to compare it to. for going out of your way to reshape my heart and mind to understand you. to want you. to be changed by you. Lord Jesus i pray you would make me want you more than anything. more than the touch or security of another human being-sister, mentor, friend, or romance-more than all the riches of the world. more than the life you have blessed me to live, i pray You would be my life. help me understand you better. help me take my every thought captive to you. teach me what it means to live in freedom that is not bound by any incompetence or inability on my part. may i rely on you for every bit of what i need. i know you love me. help me live like i know it. oh, to not be caged or restricted by my own insecurities and fears-but to walk humbly in the confidence of whose i am. i love you. i want to love you so much better.
i believe, Father. aware or unaware, help my unbelief.

kbye.

Cardboard Harbor

2009-09-18T16:00:00.000-05:00

So I wrote this song. Well, I wrote the lyrics to a potential song. It is currently melody-less…and might remain so forever depending on the depth of my creativity in the days to come. (Which considering the date on my last blog post--we’re not even going there—might remain pretty shallow.) Regardless, I was thinking of this unfinished ‘thing’, if you will, recently and it sort of took on a new dimension for me in relation to my spiritual life.

Lets be honest, the words were actually written in response to my emotions concerning a certain “person” --another subject we will not be getting into. Ha. The basic gist of my infrequently and annoyingly unpredictable emotions is that no matter where the blame may lie, at the conclusion of my interaction with this person, I was awakened to a reality I thought would never exist, and when it in fact did, it temporarily suffocated my every hope and thought. I found I had allowed myself to be in a place that once (and for some time) seemed so completely stable, trustworthy, and safe, that to question it at the time would have been to deny the existence of one of the greatest blessings of fellowship my heart had ever known; yet in the end, the tangible absence of such was now slowly descending and deteriorating around me, within me, and as I was humbled I found-partially because of me. I had not the eyes to recognize any part of its harmful or destructive (not abusive in any way, but more of a suppressing of myself) nature until I found myself sitting in an empty space where human arms had once held me up. I was alone. And I was quite aware of it. I am literally shuddering at the memory of those moments of realization, of what I knew I had lost, and how I thought I couldn’t survive without it.

I remember thinking my tear ducts were hooked up to some imaginary water fountain and someone really mean had turned it on “high”. I remember thinking “oh THATs what all the lyrics to those songs I always thought were so cheesy actually meant” (“how am I supposed to breathe with no air” ….hahahaha KIDDING…I did feel that way sometimes, but I’m currently just being dramatic. ☺ Humor me.) I remember not wanting to get out of bed because I thought there was no way I could be happy, void of someone who held such significance in my heart and in my ability to believe in myself and the person I wanted to become. Being an introvert, I tend to thrive on quiet moments by myself-but not when they are (or seemingly so) my only option. And despite my love for those pockets of peaceful reflection, I found myself drowning in the silence of a million words and stanzas; only, I could find not one to fully describe the depth to which I felt my foundation was sinking. How did I become SO lost within what I had found, that when it was over, I found I had in fact lost myself? Never in my life had I had issues knowing who I was. (Now, insecurity and self esteem are another story, but for this particular moment I’m not talking about my actual identity in Christ.)

I never understood certain parts of the movie Runaway Bride until I realized that it now was I who didn’t know how I liked my “eggs” cooked. And I totally got it. I was in a complete frenzy of wordless speeches and halting dreams. I was humbled. Flattened. Stripped of every safety net within my reach. Left with so many questions I didn’t know how or where to begin. Sent into a desert place. AGAIN. And I was NOT happy about it. And so I began a sort of rebirth/reinventing/re-establishing of who I was, and what my purpose was. And I started taking mental notes: I DO like banana popsicles. I do NOT like Indian food. I am a jeans and a white t-shirt kind of girl. But I have cool boots and sometimes I like to wear those too. And so it began. Trivial at first, but at the heart of what was happening, I was being drawn back in to the source of my very existence. The quiet presence that gave me the strength to get up in the morning and promised me I’d have what I needed to get through THAT day. The One that promised me if I’d trust the handfuls of the broken pieces, even the secret ones I tried to put back together myself, that HE would create something, and birth something I wouldn’t believe even if HE told me (Hab. 1:5).

In the so called “chorus” of this melodically unfinished song, I talk about life as living in a harbor, and how we create (or think we are creating) a space of comfort. A place that feels homey, that we decorate with memories and pack tightly with the trust of those who have led us to such a haven of existence. But this harbor, this space that I allowed to be created in my heart and mind, and what I clung to so dearly as my security and well-being, I discovered was actually made of cardboard. A structure that appears completely capable of holding valuables and keeping them intact in their original form. But have you ever seen what happens to cardboard when it gets wet? (It stinks for one thing.) Immediately the very fibers of strength that hold together such a transportable mass become incapacitated, and depending on the weight of that which it holds, will weaken in structure—more than likely causing it’s contents to fall into a deranged mess. A cardboard harbor. (Oxymoron anyone?)

I actually looked up the word harbor before writing this post, and thanks to “dictionary.com” this is what I found:

HARBOR: “a part of a body of water along the shore deep enough for anchoring a ship….any place of SHELTER or REFUGE…(v) to conceal…hide…maintain”

Bingo. Red Flags everywhere. What exactly was I anchoring my trust, my love, my time, my energy, my thoughts, my efforts, my dreams and desires to? Something, someone who, at the end of the day, was no more secure than me. Whose character shined so bright for a time that it overshadowed a looming frailty and imperfections within that I had not the ability to heal.

I HID within the tangible feeling of someone holding me, instead of hiding in the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91:1).
My insecurity found HOPE in a vanishing opinion instead of resting in the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
I sought SECURITY for my future in a shelter made of temporary things instead of remembering that I am completely HEMMED IN to a plan made just for me (Psalm 139:5).
I tested the waters of purity and gave my whole heart to something unsure instead of sinking in to a reality that I have access to EVERY PROMISE God offers me in Christ(Psalm 145:13, 2 Corinthians 1:20, 2 Corinthians 7:1).

Being humbled HURTS. It’s embarrassing, even if only between you and the Lord your God. Initially it makes you want to hang your head. But you know what? It can also be the biggest blessing of your life. And on top of that, we are called to be humble (Ephesians 4:2), to seek humility (Zeph 2:3), and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8). God esteems the humble and blesses them with grace (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5; Isaiah 66:2).

This has been a hard season of life for me—to accept that God has allowed a gift to be given to me, and then taken away. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I would much rather learn to stay humbled before Him, completely aware of, and dependent upon his grace and goodness in my life so that He gets every stinkin’ ounce of the GLORY, and EVERY accolade for the accomplishments in my life (Isaiah 26:12).

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know WHO holds my future. (Jer 29:11)
I don’t know what circumstances I will face tomorrow, but when they come HE will give me wisdom. (Psalm 51:6; Proverbs 2:6)
I am completely incapable of living in purity and doing everything in this life “correctly”, but I know where my help comes from and the heart from which grace flows. (Psalm 121:2)
I can choose bitterness or I can daily choose to delight in my Jesus and learn to savor knowledge and understanding from Him. (Proverbs 2:6)

I pray for us all that we will choose to rely on our good God to sustain, maintain, and protect our hearts, for HE is our only TRUE source of security, and the PUREST form of LOVE we could experience. He is the only one whose heart is completely FOR us and whose work in us doesn’t just keep us intact, but if we allow it, makes us better. He who is completely capable takes our mess, and turns our worth and significance into something eternal and everlasting.
I pray that we all love Him a little more with the arrival of every sunrise.

And just for the record, I like my eggs scrambled.

Something to Hold You Over

2009-04-14T11:59:00.001-05:00

I promise I'm alive. I just haven't had the chance to breathe in the last couple of months. :) I love my job, but I think I've had a total of 2 days off since February (not counting a few Easter days). Not Cool. So of course I have a hundred million things to write about and only a hundred millionths of a second to write about them. But something new is coming. And in the meantime, you can ooo and ahhhh with me over my new nephew (first grandchild on both sides) that was born this past thursday. Precious. Haven't met him yet. Dying to. Get to in 16 days. :)

Luke Russell Hinton

No time for a bath...need pictures first. :)

Ahh, much better. :)

That's right...Carolina IS #1.

So tiny with my daddy.

So cuddly.

My favorite.

Me and mommy.

Sweet.

Happy Family :)

The Presence of Greatness

2009-02-19T01:23:00.000-06:00

{“Greatness or pre-eminence is a concept heavily dependent on a person's perspective and biases. The term can be used to emphasize perceived superiority of a person or thing.” - www.wikipedia.com}

{"Most of the trouble in this world is caused by people who want to be important." T.S. Eliot}

I have been pondering the subject of greatness for a while now.
What does it mean to be great?
Why do people strive for greatness?
Assuming we have an answer to the first question, how do you know if you even possess the qualities necessary to attempt greatness?

Because greatness, much like beauty, often lies in the eyes of the beholder, this presents a whole new set of questions.
To whom do you wish to be perceived as great?
Are those who are the object of your desired proclamation of greatness, also deemed great in other’s eyes? Or just yours?
What are you hoping to achieve when you have successfully acquired the label of “greatness” to your societal resume?

I think everybody wants to be great in some way. Most people strive to be great in at least one area—to look great, feel great, be great at their job, or work at a certain characteristic until the word in question can be applied to it as well—great listener, great servant, great teacher, great artist, great musician, etc. We even apply the word to temporary items like “that piece of cake was so great”, or “they have great coffee—the best”.
What is so appealing about the word GREAT? At some point in history this word has been applied to people in the human race in such a way that gives us a longing to also be placed in a category with a similar form of recognition. What people come to mind when you think of the word great? Martin Luther King? Abraham Lincoln? Rosa Parks? Albert Einstein? George Washington? Alexander the GREAT? Brad Pitt? HAHA. Jk…he and I are going to have words one day. With the exclusion of the last one, these people (according to my yahoo search) are all considered great people in history in some way-Inventors, presidents, those who stood up for rights, and those who just seemed to encumber the word great for nearly it’s entire meaning. (And if you are a large Brad Pitt fan, I must clarify that I, myself, am not saying that he isn’t great by someone else’s standards--movie critics? Angelina?—lol I’m stopping. He just doesn’t fit for this post….but no hard feelings. ☺ )

So what would the definition of greatness be as it pertains to each individual and their ability to achieve the essence of it, without seeking to contort themselves into something or somebody that they weren’t created to be, just to win the label of such among a group of peers or those whose opinions they desire?
In my pondering this question over the last few weeks, I have come to several conclusions. In the presence of greatness, you can't help but be inspired to be great yourself. Because greatness is not condemning or belittling, it doesn't call you out on your mistakes or try to embarrass you in front of your peers. Greatness doesn't try to one-up his friends, or intentionally make anyone jealous, because greatness understands that the very qualities that make it "great" are not natural in their mortal self, but are in fact gifted and meant to be shared for the purpose of inspiring, for building up, for expanding happiness, starting a revolution of sorts inside each individual heart. Those who are able to possess the quality of greatness do so while, in my opinion, also fully encompassing humility. Without the combined product of greatness AND humility, I would have to ask if a person who only grasped the first of those, indeed was wholly that, or if everything in his/her life that pointed to the manufacture of such a quality was lost in the absence of the second. I guess this depends on your definition of both greatness and humility, but I seem to think that without the latter, one could be perceived as somewhat of a gloat, only seeking the attention that his greatness produced rather than seeking to be great for a higher purpose and one that benefitted others above, or at least in addition to, himself.
So based on my opinions, if greatness and humility are equal parts of a whole, then the simple equation can be made that greatness=humility. In which case, there is no longer a need to struggle through history to find the best example of one such case. His name is Jesus.
I was reading some articles on Wikipedia about “great” and “heroic” men, and stumbled across an article by Thomas Carlyle. In one part of his work he was discussing a Thibeten people group and their particular beliefs about the divine and it’s relation to great men on earth. Here is a short excerpt that sort of sums up their idea:

[“They have their belief, these poor Thibet people,  that Providence sends down always an Incarnation of Himself  into every generation. At bottom some belief in a kind of  Pope! At bottom still better, belief that there is a Greatest  Man; that he is discoverable; that, once discovered, we ought  to treat him with an obedience which knows no bounds! …the ‘discoverability’ is  the only error here.”]
Well they were right about one thing. There is a Greatest Man, and He is discoverable. Where they have sadly missed out is in the “once [he is] discovered” part. Oh the many ways that even those of us who know Him, miss Him on a daily basis. But that is another day’s topic. Jesus is arguably the most accessible man on the planet, yet in our complicated and distracted minds, we make it appear as if He’s the farthest thing from us. The other interesting point that the Thibet people seem to be spot-on about is that this great man they deem discoverable, yet undiscovered in their minds, should be treated “with an obedience which knows no bounds!” They are unaware that the object of their affections already exist, yet they have a better understanding on how he is to be treated when found than most of us are able to grasp, and keep, as faithful followers of Him.

I pulled another quote from this same article that is as equally resounding to me:
[“One comfort is, that Great Men, taken up in any way, are  profitable company. We cannot look, however imperfectly,  upon a great man, without gaining something by him. He  is the living light-fountain, which it is good and pleasant to  be near. The light which enlightens, which has enlightened  the darkness of the world; and this not as a kindled lamp  only, but rather as a natural luminary shining by the gift of  Heaven; a flowing light-fountain, as I say, of native original  insight, of manhood and heroic nobleness; -- in whose  radiance all souls feel that it is well with them.”]

Though Carlyle is speaking of great men throughout history (not intending to represent Christ in his explanation), I think you can see there is quite an exact depiction of our Savior’s essence described in what was he is suggesting these “great” mortal beings somehow possess. For, if looked upon with understanding eyes (be they literal or of the heart) one cannot dismiss the qualities of Christ that we indeed gain from if we allow ourselves to be influenced by Him, simply by being the presence of our heavenly Father.
“…He is the living light-fountain….good and pleasant…light which enlightens, which has enlightened the darkness of the world…natural luminary…gift of heaven…in whose radiance all souls feel that it is well with them.”

Let’s look back to some of our original questions:
What does it mean to be great?
Why do people strive for greatness?
Assuming we have an answer to the first question, how do you know if you even possess the qualities necessary to attempt greatness?

By worldly standards, there are all manner of opinions about what greatness is and represents and how we are to go about obtaining those qualities to achieve such a status. But for those of us who know Christ personally, maybe the longing inside us to be great is that of our spirit wanting to know and be connected more deeply to the light of Christ. To grow, to learn, to be drawn in closer to Him and told the secrets of heaven. We are urged by Paul in 1 Peter 2:12 as aliens and strangers in the world to live our lives in a way that others “may see your good deeds and glorify God”. Most of us have a natural, normal desire to be successful in worldly terms-in our human bodies-because everybody likes an accolade or a good pat on the back. And we should support and encourage each other in our attempts to grow as people in the world. The trick is to not let our normal desire to find acceptance, love, and praise in others, overshadow our very purposeful desire to be closer, know more deeply, and point others toward God. To continue being, as you’ve probably heard 100 times over, IN the world but not OF it. We have been blessed with gifts far exceeding what any of us deserve--gifts meant to edify the body as a whole unit, so the unit can work with one purpose. The better we each are at our gifts, the better the body works, and the better we are at accomplishing the work of God’s kingdom together. [“There is one body and one spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” Ephesians 4:4-6]

Feeling like you don’t possess what it takes to be great? If you are a child of God, we are told in scripture that when we receive Christ and are adopted into the family of God, we receive the power and the marking of the Holy Spirit who then lives in us [1 Corinthians 6:19, Ephesians 1:13]. And furthermore, unlike biblical times, God no longer dwells behind the walls of a temple building, but takes up residence in your heart [1 John 4:12,15-16, Ephesians 2:22]. In other words, you have 2/3 of the trinity inside of you. 2/3 OF THE TRINITY!!!! We are great because of what—WHO-- is in us. The mere presence of God in us deems us HOLY, WORTHY, and VALUABLE. But it is up to us to allow God to do His thing in us. Aka: get out of the way. Decrease. Seek humility in all things. Seek the character of Christ, who both fully human and fully divine, pointed others to the Father above all else. [“Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set our minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2]

If we wish to know Christ’s thoughts on greatness and being great, we need look no farther than the first gospel, Matthew.
[“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?...whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” 18:1-4]

So here’s to humility. Putting others first. Learning how to be servants of the MOST HIGH God. [1 Peter 2:16] Embracing our greatness not because of who we are or what we’ve done, but because He who is in us is inherently great, and His very essence calls forth the same response of character out of us.
It is a blast loving Jesus with you.

{ok i can't leave without being honest and saying that this entire post about GREATNESS came to me while at a concert a few weeks ago. the artist would be CELINE DION. need i say more? :)}

web article: (Carlyle, Thomas. On Heroes, Hero-Worship and the Heroic in History, Fredrick A. Stokes & Brother, New York, 1888. p. 2.)

A Jesus Year

2009-01-02T02:28:00.001-06:00

[(It's now officially Jan 2, but this post was started on the 1st. Honest. :)]

I am having one of those days (weeks). One of those days where you are fully aware of your brokenness. Fully aware of your stupidity. Your mistakes. Mess-ups. Your straight up JUNK. ever have one of those days?! And it doesn't help that I just saw the movie "Doubt" in the theater. Haha...virtually no correlation with the story line but I think there are some overarching themes that everyone could tap into in some way in their life. Anyways, that has nothing to do with the price of tea in China, but the movie was good so if you like good movies maybe you should go see it. :) Meryl Streep rocks. As usual. And Amy Adams was quite awesome as well I thought. Ah, sorry this is not a movie review blog.

Ok, back to my self-loathing (while I eat a brownie...always helpful in that department. Ha.) I don't know, maybe it's an attack of the enemy around this time of year when things are happy and we are to "be of good cheer". Maybe it's the attitude of everyone getting serious and pondering their goals for the new year, and which ones not to attempt again from years past that are sure to end promptly by the 12th day of the year or so...like trying to cut out CHOCOLATE or something. PUH-LEASE. Just eat the darker stuff. Taste awesome. Less Sugar. More Antioxidants. Don't make me go all former-Rocky-Mountain-Chocolate-Factory-shift-manager on you and whip out my excuses for my occasional tiny (HUGE) piece (BAG) of heaven. Stalling. Again.

Today I am 2 years old. ("No you're not you're 24 and in complete denial. You've been babysitting too much.") Ha. No, today is my spiritual birthday. :) (If you want to know more about this you can read my long winded commentary on it here ; or also on the first few posts i ever wrote "an internal battle", "breaking free or tightening the chains", and "and now I'm free")
What a great day for that to happen to land on, huh? January 1. Talk about a New Year's Resolution. I have decided that JESUS is my new year's resolution. I was reading a blog recently where the writer said "I want a Jesus year, don't you?" I remember answering her audibly, as if she sat in the same room with me sharing my cup of 1/2 vanilla nut, 1/2 Swiss almond chocolate coffee (yes, it is divine), but in a whisper saying, "yes, I do." To hear it I think would have sounded like I was pondering my response. Not like a questioned, doubted response, but like "how do i get one of those....a Jesus year." I don't mean He hasn't been around for the last 24 years of my life, the last 13 years since I got baptized, or the last 2 years since I feel like I first met Him face to face. But how do I find Him, no--let Him in to the mistake-prone, sin-driven, straight up ugly areas in me so that I can be changed.

Not changed like the first time you believe and begin to understand what it means to live with Christ as your Lord and Savior. But the step after that. Changed in such a way that I stop allowing my laundry list of wish-I-could-redo's to affect my present self which doesn't allow me to see God's best for me, and know how to perceive what that is, based on the truth of God's word--not what any 3rd-party source tries to convince me of or way it tries to hinder the passions of my heart that are the very thing that makes it tick. I hate feeling like some intangible force be it fear or doubt, worry or criticism, opinion or expectation is what speaks the loudest to the outcome of my decisions. [I don't mean ignoring those whispers of wisdom that I believe are meant to protect or warn us (be it your "still small voice" or your "conscience"); I think those little inklings are placed in us for a reason and should be acknowledged like that of a guiding hand of a mentor or otherwise noteworthy voice of reason in our lives.] But I fear that I have spent much of my time the last 2 years listening more to the song of the incapable, than learning how to write my own melody with the tools my Creator has given me.

So maybe this reassessment of self-perception that I began this post with, which previously would have birthed itself into indifference, irresponsibility, and driving myself to numbness of thought, will, and has, projected my heart's thoughts into the world, and so has lost it's power as in intangible force in the form of one or more of the above mentioned emotions. An ending to a season of question frustration, and uncertainty, and a promise of present and future beauty, grace, hope and security in something (someone) who at first glance appears intangible as well, but perhaps is the very definition of the opposite-quite tangible-the WORD MADE FLESH. An uncoiling, unraveling, and undoing of myself to find that I in fact am hand-crafted and hemmed in to God's master plan. (Thus, my new blog header :) )

I want a Jesus year. A year of asking HIM to be my provider in ALL areas, and then LETTING HIM. A year of asking to be humbled, and graciously receiving the opportunity when it happens. A year of chances--of letting God show me how powerful He can be through me, instead of estimating that factor in my head and reassessing my prayers based on what I think He might be able to handle. A year to ask the one who created me who I am, and then BELIEVE HIM when He tells me. A year of being pro-active about sharing my passions with other people, and telling them about the love that makes my heart beat with such purpose. (And for good measure, we'll throw in a year of more exercise and eating green. :) )

With my Jesus year I have also committed myself to memorizing scripture more intentionally. Partially a personal goal already in progress, and partially because of the accountability found here by a group of women who are also in the same life race, seeking to be wiser, and more in love with their Savior. So I wanted to leave you with the verse I chose for my first memorization task.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland." [Isaiah 43:18-19]

God is doing a new thing. In each of us. Let's not miss it. The Creator of the universe who creates streams of water out of dry ground--that's who I want to know and be loved by. Let's have a Jesus kind of year. And let's have a blast doing it.
Love you to pieces.

Be Still My Soul

2008-12-11T20:00:00.000-06:00

Be still my soul
The Lord is on your side
Bear patiently
The cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God
To order and provide
In every change
He faithful will remain.

Be still my soul
Thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through stormy ways
Leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul
The waves and winds still know
Still know
His voice who ruled them
While he dwelt below.

Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOus45dorPU&feature=related

STAY IN YOUR LANE

2008-11-19T23:10:00.000-06:00

hi :)
it's getting a little late, and i just drove 6 hours to my parents house for a birthday/early thanksgiving weekend cause i will be with my other family on the actually holiday...(complete with my favorite 2 year old buddy. :) )...so i'm gonna try to type fast but not miss anything. a few weeks ago i was out nannying for this person and i was so blessed to be able to sit in on a devotion by this person. i only say that because i want to give credit where credit is due, and the below thoughts and ideas are mostly his (with a few words of my own...and i do mean FEW)...and I want to point you to the rightful owner of them should they help you too, then you will know who to thank God for. :) ya'll, i can't tell you how many times A DAY i think about this devotion and how much it has helped me to stay on track and begin to weed out the nonsense in my life that is not from the Lord.
i'm sleepy so i'm just going to jump right in :) ....

hebrews 12:1 "therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

we are all in the "race" of life. imagine we are all on a track, and each person has his/her own lane. each lane is specifically marked with boundary lines so that you know the path that your specific lane takes as the road curves and changes. the person to the right of your lane and the person to your left are each in the race with you, as are the others on either side of them, etc. you have one focus, one goal: run the race, in your lane, learning and doing your specific purpose that is unique and specifically designed for you. that lane was made for YOU, and YOU for the purpose in it. when you begin to have feelings of jealousy, envy, coveting, INSECURITIES of any kind, you have crossed over into someone else's lane. you are trying to do the purpose specifically designed for SOMEONE ELSE. STAY IN YOUR LANE. when you cross over into someone else's lane, not only do you attempt a purpose that was NOT designed for you, but you also take your focus off the task that has been gifted specifically to YOU. and if YOU aren't running the race in your lane (because you're trying to be in someone else's), there is NO ONE ELSE to run in your lane for you, so YOUR purpose and design isn't being fulfilled and completed, because you're waisting time trying to be someone else. STAY IN YOUR LANE. allow God to be the one to show you your pace, and how to deal with obstacles (be they distractions, literally something blocking your way, or a pot hole that catches you off guard) in the road when they appear. when we all stay in our respective lanes, we create a bigger picture of God's purpose and plan and how it is designed to work together. when we don't, we are trying to recreate a plan that we don't have the blueprints for.

GIRLS. S.T.A.Y. I.N. Y.O.U.R L.A.N.E God made you beautiful. smart. valuable. lovable. special. unique. holy to Him. we are the WORST at stepping into each others lanes/lives and being catty (sp?), jealous, gossip-y (yes i made that word up), backstabbers to each other when really our actions stem from our own insecurities or cracks in our knowledge of the truth, who God is to us and what that means about our own worth. (more about that in another post.) and not to mention the horrible example we become to our teenagers about how to be solid women of faith and the word when we succumb to any one of the above.
so let's ENCOURAGE instead of laugh at. SUPPORT instead of tear down. cheer each other on instead of hoping the other one falls so we don't feel so bad about our own mistakes.

my best friend and i have started a new habit of asking each other "are you staying in your lane?" i can't tell you what a world of difference this illustration has meant to me. maybe some of you visual learners like myself will benefit from it as well. i hope you are blessed and encouraged today, and homegirl don't forget....

STAY IN YOUR LANE.

On the road again...

2008-10-16T14:35:00.000-05:00

what is up. geeze i don't even know where i am. hold on let me look at the sign on the bus...

ok we're in route to Missouri for most of the weekend. last Friday i showed up at my job at 6:00am. we left shortly after for the airport where we boarded a plane around 8 for Los Angeles, California. first time i've ever been to L.A. (well other than the fact that i grew up there..but that would be LA as in "Lenoir Area" ;) (for those of you still lost, that is the name of my very small hometown in North Carolina where i met my best, and most dear friend (who was also my music teacher *grin*), learned to love Jesus, became the Chubby Bunny champ of my middle school spring fling, learned to drive my first car--a red '88 jeep cherokee that belonged to 3 other family members before me, fell in love with the mountains and fall, and spent many summer days walking to the TCBY just down from my house. awww, memories.
so anyways, i had my first for real L.A. trip (well sort of--we were really in Anaheim for a conference) followed by a small detour to MALIBU for 3.5 days to suffer through beautiful sunrises and sunsets, fall asleep to our very own sound machine known as THE OCEAN, eat grilled-cheese poundcake (explain later--sounds gross, but it's HEAVEN), and get a free pedicure walking in the sand. not too shabby for a nanny job, huh?
so yesterday morning i woke up in California (i won't even talk about the 4 hour plane ride with one unhappy twin), spent about 6 hours last night in Nashville, and today i woke up in Springfield. we will head to St. Louis for the weekend sometime much later in the night. then add a drop down to Texas on Sunday and i'll be back in my bed by the beginning of next week. which will be slightly short-lived as we leave again next Friday morning for Sacramento, CA.
things will calm down a tad for a few weeks...although i'm still traveling every weekend, 2 of the next 3 are for personal trips--one home for a wedding, and the other to lead worship at a retreat with 2 of the most amazing girls. (more on that later:))

i have about 5 post that are almost all done that involve things other than my fame and fortune (minus the latter) for my coffee shop photography, and my travel schedule. God is really having a time with me right now which normally would indicate that His child (me) is being bratty and pushing buttons. but this is more of a growing, stretching, learning to trust sort of time that is really hard, and really hurts, but i know will bring a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time when we remain faithful (col 2:9-10). He is faithful to do His part even when we stink at life. speak the truth girls. even when you don't feel like it or maybe even don't believe it for that moment. speak the truth and cling to Him. He is our hope and security.

love you all. dirty diapers are calling..
(malibu pictures coming soon...)
ps...call your local radio stations (ALL OF THEM) and tell them they need to play a song called "Wonder" by Melissa Greene. DO.IT. don't make me come over there. ;)

THAT girl

2008-10-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

currently sitting at my computer writing a new post (not this one--one with much more depth and a little less narcissism :) )

i just came to a new coffee shop (well i guess it's new...new to me) in town because they have free wi-fi. um, YES PLEASE. i am all about getting free stuff--especially when it comes to the WORLD WIDE WEB which i can not access from my apartment because the forces that be hate me and my computer.
moving on. before i stumbled into this shop, i went to barnes & noble cause i wanted to buy some new books to keep me occupied in my free time (wait, what is free time?) and while i was there i thought i would just go ahead and make a coffee purchase so i could swipe my credit card ONCE (instead of a second time at THIS coffee shop) and save my cash for my gas tank which is currently on "E". no. big. deal.
until i walk in and sit down with my FREE internet and the barista boy (yes BOY...i looks about the age of some of my nanny children. ok, that's maybe a stretch) comes over and proceeds to try and persuade me to let him make me the same product that i am proudly displaying right beside my computer in my STARBUCKS cup (oops...haha) to prove to me that i should have made my coffee purchase HERE instead of THERE. i didn't feel like explaining to him my brilliant (yet now FLOPPED) plan of only swiping my card once to minimize the amount of purchases on my VISA BILL (does he even know what it means to PAY BILLS?) so i proceeded to explain to him the short version that since i was already THERE buying books, i just went ahead and made my coffee purchase. he was not impressed by my innocently motivated plan and continued to badger me to know what my choice of drink was so that he could humble me with his brilliant plan of convincing me that this hole in the wall shop--which is only open til 8:00--(i'm sorry, is this a coffee shop or a day care? the average night coffee date happens between the hours of 7-10pm...they are losing major 'first date' numbers...pah-lease) is going to somehow be better than my PUMPKIN SPICE YUMMYNESS that is acting as the only source of saneness for this HORMONAL, and quite PMS-y 23 year old woman.
I. THINK. NOT.

he then took it upon himself to walk back to the counter and pretend like he won the battle and talk about me to his co-workers cause apparently we live in a sound-proof vortex where only people with coffee beans in their back pocket can hear the communicating sounds of one human to another. that's ok, i'll be THAT GIRL that brought Starbucks to the local shop. i'll tell the people in the drive-thru that it tastes better too. :) (wow, i'm in a mood.)

*UPDATE* i was just tapped on the shoulder and informed that the (creepy) man who had been taking promo-shots around the shop, apparently shot a really awesome picture of me through the window in my coffee-shopness with my computer, headphones and totally cool hoodie that i got at target like half a lifetime ago...and wanted to know if he could use it on the WORLD WIDE WEB and other promotional things for the barista boy's coffee shop. THAT'S RIGHT barista boy. I MADE THE PROMO MATERIAL. N.O.T. Y.O.U. i dare you to offer me another second-rate latte.

oh, and yes, i did turn down the FREE CHOCOLATE COOKIE the photo man offered me for my cooperation with his use of my rockstar photo. THAT is the definition of self control, all you hormonal beings out there.

excuse me, background color?

2008-09-30T10:51:00.000-05:00

i don't even like pink. i'll get over it soon.

God and Man

2008-09-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

[Dietrich Bonhoeffer; Ethics]

"Man at his origin knows only one thing: God. It is only in the unity of his knowledge of God that he knows of other men, of things, and of himself. He knows all things only in God, and God in all things. The knowledge of good and evil shows that he is no longer at one with this origin. In the knowledge of good and evil man does not understand himself in the reality of the destiny appointed in his origin, but rather in his own possibilities, his possibility of being good or evil. He knows himself now as something apart from God, outside God, and this means that he now knows only himself and no longer knows God at all; for he can know God only if he knows only God. The knowledge of good and evil is therefore separation from God. Only against God can man know good and evil…

...It is only with extreme reserve that even the Bible indicates to us that God is the One who knows of good and evil. It is the first indication of the mystery of predestination, the mystery of an eternal dichotomy which has its origin in the eternally One, the mystery of an eternal choice and election by him in whom there is no darkness but only light. To know good and evil is to know oneself as the origin of good and evil, as the origin of an eternal choice and election…

...Instead of knowing himself solely in the reality of being chosen and loved by God, he must now know himself in the possibility of choosing and of being the origin of good and evil. He has become like God, but against God. Herein lies the serpent’s deceit. Man knows good and evil, but because he is not the origin, because he acquires this knowledge only at the price of estrangement from the origin, the good and evil that he knows are not the good and evil of God but good and evil against God. They are good and evil of man’s own choosing, in opposition to the eternal election of God. In becoming like God man has become a god against God…

...Man knows good and evil, against God, against his origin, god-lessly and of his own choice, understanding himself according to his own contrary possibilities; and he is cut off from the unifying, reconciling life in God, and is delivered over to death. The secret which man has stolen from God is bringing about man’s downfall. Man’s life is now disunion with God, with men, with things, and with himself."

enter JESUS: savior of the world.

Desert Song

2008-09-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

This is my prayer in the desert
When all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise Ill stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know Im filled to be emptied again
The seed Ive received I will sow

"pps" from last post ;)

2008-09-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

Excuses, Excuses

2008-09-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

so i have 3 post under the "draft" category cause i can't seem to be in one place long enough to actually sit and type the whole dern things out. on top of that..i still don't have a working computer, and the one my roommate so graciously let me borrow has now temporarily gone to be with Jesus as well. we are pitiful! i am writing a lot but it's all in my big black journal and i am anxiously awaiting a time when i can transfer all my goofy thoughts to internet land. so basically, i just need to become really good friends with the public library and make a weekly treck over to catch you up. (frankly i'm just really picky about my writing so it takes me forever to edit what i want to say.)
lots of things have happened since i wrote a for real post about something other than my lack of writing. some of you know of some of my distractions (*grin*) other than my lack of internet...but most recently i've just been a busy working girl! i'm still reading ya'lls blogs, even though my lack of commenting may make it appear otherwise. those of you that i got to meet in texas...oh.my.word. so many emotions all in one moment at the registration table. it's funny how you just feel like you know everybody already and the only thing missing is the sound of their voice and a 3-D body. :)

wait. pause. i need to check something out. OH MY GOODNESS...THERE IS AN ICE CREAM TRUCK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!! oh that just made me so happy. ice cream trucks need to make a comeback. for real life. i'm petitioning. (and in the petition i will include the ever so important need of an updated song for repetition throughout all ice cream rounds. i mean really...how many 5 year olds know Fur Elise?

back to texas. i do have a few pictures to post, but they are on my roommate's computer so until it decides to quit playing possum (is there an "o" at the front of that word?), there will be much mourning and gnashing of teeth in our anticipation (and hostility towards the technology monster in our apartment) of the possibility of retrieving those dear photos. most of them you have already seen on other people's blogs and facebook accounts, but alas i will add in my duplicates from other angles. :)
you ladies are a hoot.

ps...keep THIS GIRL on your radar...she and Jesus are doin big things. ;) (click link)

pps...i'll try to post a picture of distraction #1 soon...sneaky sneaky :)

Quiet Entrance

2008-07-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

i am alive. i am to ashamed of my lack of writing to look at you. so my eyes are blindfolded. (or i'm just being dramatic.) i'm writing to say, that a post is coming. but not tonight. it is late, and again, i'm ashamed. (hehe i like being dramatic.) i will be taking a bubble bath (which is still on my list of favorite things that i think everyone should do once a week) and going to sleep. and when i awake, i shall begin writing. and we will not discuss my time away. it's too heartbreaking to think about all i've missed out on. and there is no use mentioning my absence since we are clearly all aware of it. and it is too painful to relive. (seriously, drama queen award, where do i sign.) talk soon. and remember, we won't mention the brief (if by 'brief' you mean 'extremely long') break from blog world that has just occurred. no condemnation in Christ Jesus. true even in blogworld. ;)

love you. mean it.

FOR BENJAMIN GREENE

2008-05-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

(To be read as if singing "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus.)

I can’t stop thinking of you
and I'm sorry to say
I haven’t introduced my blog friends
to your name
I knew you felt quite left out
when you mentioned again
That I hurt you, my friend Benjamin.

You've got a way of showing
when something’s not right
I feel like I broke your heart
by not putting you online
'Cause I saw this awful sadness
when you looked in my eyes
So sorry I hurt you, my friend Benjamin.

The last time I kept Hutch
Didn’t talk to you much
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm writin’ bout’
Felt like I couldn't lie
You said that you might cry
Your wife Melissa said
Oh he’s just the jealous type
The next time I long on
I will redeem myself
Whenever I write again
Oo oh Oo Oh I, I want ya’ll to meet, my friend Benjamin.

Can’t shake this awful feeling
down deep inside
How I let you down by not
putting you on my site
I'm not a mind reader
but I'm reading the signs
That I hurt you, my friend Benjamin.

The last time I kept Hutch
Didn’t talk to you much
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm writin’ bout’
Felt like I couldn't lie
You said that you might cry
Your wife Melissa said
Oh he’s just the jealous type
The next time I long on
I will redeem myself
Whenever I write again
Oo oh Oo Oh I, I want ya’ll to meet, my friend Benjamin.

I wrote a post just for you
I hope it makes you smile

The last time I kept Hutch
Didn’t talk to you much
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm writin’ bout’
Felt like I couldn't lie
You said that you might cry
Your wife Melissa said
Oh he’s just the jealous type
The next time I long on
I will redeem myself
Whenever I write again
Oo oh Oo Oh I, I want ya’ll to meet, my friend Benjamin.
What an awesome guy...my friend Benjamin.

Noodle Maddness

2008-04-29T00:52:00.000-05:00

YA'LL. Pyzam has a RAMEN NOODLE blogger layout.
Did anybody's day just get better? (Or at least involve an unexpected smile?)
10 packs for a dollar...I mean you've GOT to love that. (Or think it's gross and eat it cause you can't afford easy mac.)

http://www.pyzam.com/bloggertemplates/preview/ramen-

I promise I'm doing more with my life than being giddy about noodles. I will update with something meatier soon.
[Oh, and M.G. if you're reading...have your son say noodle. Last time I fed him spaghetti I made him say it like 5 times...it's almost cuter than guacamole. :) ]

Go Green

2008-04-20T00:34:00.000-05:00

No, the blog change has nothing to do with me wanting to help the environment (although I do, and I will try hard to)...I am just in a green-lovin' mood. :) I'm thinkin' it's the whole SPRING TIME thing. Coming with a post soon...but for now check out these lyrics by my fav.

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only see by keeping score
Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

Cause if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum

(Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser)
What a peaceful thought...let God be your SUM today. Have a happy Sunday!
Love ya'll :)

The Created vs. The Uncreative

2008-04-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

The enemy is not creative. Sometimes it is tempting to give him some kind of credit for coming up with the awful schemes and tricks that he does. We think, wow...good one...you really outdid yourself there. And yes, he is awful, and yes he causes much destruction in our lives. But really when you think about it...he just takes what the Creator has made and perverts it. Distorts it. Destroys it. Tries to mess it up. To steal it from you. Crush it. Kill it. Make you turn your back on it. On HIM.

I've been awakened recently to some such areas--places in my heart and life that I let him sneak in and steal the paint brush. I gave him room to stick his foot in the door and stink up the place. No more. So here's to reclaiming my surrendered ground. To taking back what was never meant to be his in the first place. To recognizing the work of the Creator and working to preserve it in it's purest form. There are cracks and holes in the road, sure. Places and moments where I'm deceived. But HE will get the glory. For the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Because the good is born of Him
The bad can be made great in Him
and the ugly is flawless in the light of Christ.

New Post Below

2008-04-08T03:48:00.000-05:00

So i'm a dork and messed up something with the posting.
A new post can be found below Brooke Fraser video...titled "Rose Colored Lenses".

Love ya'll! :)

C.S. Lewis Song (Brooke Fraser)

2008-04-04T13:39:00.000-05:00

Hey ya'll!! A couple of you had asked about hearing the music that went with the song I posted the lyrics for in my last post. Here is a video of the song and footage of Brooke Fraser singing/playing. Hope you enjoy! She is my fav! (And the "hope is coming for me" part rocks my face off)

[PS...don't forget to "pause" the music player on the right side of my blog otherwise the song will sound awful. Hehe :)]
[pps...changing some things...picture temporary...sorry to scare the children with my big head.]

Rose Colored Lenses

2008-03-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

[New look...I'm indecisive. It's late so I'll have to finish adding nick-nacks and updating in the morning...]

I had sort of a lazy day today. Normally that would sort of bug me, but I've been traveling a lot lately, and just got in from a trip home last night, so I just embraced the laziness for most of the day. :) I had to get my car inspected back in NC, and I wasn't expecting to have the amazing time that I did. Lots of meaningful conversations and deep friendships made deeper. God is good.

Recently I've been reading a lot in Exodus (no this isn't that other post being resurrected quite yet) and something in chapter 14 reminded me of a concept that my bible study leader last semester, Kelly Minter, brought up in her book that we studied titled No Other Gods. I have this strange feeling that I'm going to butcher this post, so I trust the Lord to do with it what He may in someone's day, because I guarantee you if you get anything from it, it did not come from my checked-out brain.
I know a few of you are familiar with this study (NOGS) either from my previous post or other bloggers, and some of you have done it or are currently. If it makes any difference to those of you thinking of looking into doing it, NOGS was extremely helpful and one of the most timely studies I've ever done. All 5 of us girls that were in the study are all in about the same season of life, and we all got something different from it because it is so specific to each individual and digging into your own walk with the Lord and the idols specific to you. Sorry I'm rambling...ok I like the study. Moving on. :)

Exodus 14. Moses is high-tailing it out of Egypt with the Israelites who are anxiously awaiting their every move. This is the famous parting of the red sea (or tomato soup if you're Bruce Almighty) chapter, but the part I wanted to tell you about is right before that Campbells miracle.

(v10-14)
"As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone. Let us serve the Egyptians? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians that to die in the desert."

Anybody ever asked for a death wish in thinking that it would be better to go back to a past that was more destructive than it's worth? Maybe not intentionally (and I don't mean death wish as harsh as that came out), but I'm sure we've all been there. Wishing for days that we just knew would make us happy again, maybe because they were more comfortable. "I'm tired of waiting...just take me back there where I knew how to 'do life'." A harmful or abusive relationship. A life with addictions of any kind. A place that seems easier to sink into and grow "numb" in, rather than pick yourself up and walk out of. We like to conveniently forget all those moments of pain and loss, of hurt and sorrow, and only remember the very few, if any, pleasant moments--as if those handful of smiles would be enough to carry us through a lifetime of regret. (I think that was a run-on.) I've been dealing with this in an area of my own here recently. Longing for a time when a superficial blanket of security, draped on by others opinions and acceptance, sustained my belief in myself and God's ability to use me. So much wrong in that sentence I'm not sure I could tackle it in one post if I wanted. Doubt. Self Loathing. Wallowing. Self-destruction. Lies. Insecurity. Loneliness. Fear. So much fear.

Why on earth with a description list like that would I voluntarily choose to think about taking a trip down memory lane? Because a part of me, no matter how twisted and destructive the rest of me was, liked who people thought I was. Happy. Together. Confident. Not at all struggling with the Lord. Sure of my purpose. I, however, was none of those things. I now find myself in much more of an honest place--secure in who I am because of Christ--and humbled by the ways He is using me despite the corner of the blanket I still try to utilize from time to time. So why the need to go back through an old role of film? Because I'm being challenged. I am out of my comfort zone and it is scary not to know what the future holds. I've been led to a new place and told to wait on some things. Waiting is hard. Really hard. Especially when the world around you promises a million replacements for your prize if you'll just allow yourself the distraction of a temporary pleasure fix. Something to make you feel ok about yourself in the meantime. And then it happens. You look over your shoulder to a time when the temporary at least felt secure, and the ugly fades away. Rose Colored Lenses.

The Israelites are needing some assurance that where they are going is better than where they've been. And so far, they are not convinced. "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the dessert!" (14:12) They are somehow sure that abandonment is around the corner, not willing to trust the lighted step that is under their feet. They would rather live in slavery than trust the One that is leading them to freedom. I love the next part. "Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (14:13-14)

So much in these two verses..
**Do not be afraid. God is not out to get you. He is goodness. And He will prevail.
**Stand firm--If we keep our face set upon the Lord (Isaiah 50:7) we will not be put to shame.
**Deliverance. If you notice, when the Lord promises to bring the people OUT, it is matched by His invitation to come IN. He will not bring you out and leave you. But He won't make you follow the rest of the way. It is your choice. Hold tight long enough for Him to do His thing.
**And did you read the rest?

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I'll not comment on that last verse let it speak to you how it may. Cause it shouted at me.

Some goodbyes are meant to be a good thing. When God moves you on from something that is holding you captive, that is a good goodbye. Don't fall into the deception that you are missing out on something that was once there. If you say goodbye externally, make sure your heart doesn't remain attached to a memory that will prove empty or deceitful once you cross the red sea. Don't waste your grief and sadness over things that don't need to be mourned. Girlfriend, practice your princess wave and walk into newness with delight. Reclaim that ground that was taken from you and embrace your freedom with confidence and a dose of humility.

God is good, all the time. And all the time...GOD IS GOOD. :o)

The Misfit Returns

2008-03-23T22:08:00.000-05:00

So I’ve sort of had a blog fast for a while. My bad. But honestly, it has done me some good. Quite a lot has happened while I’ve been away. Here’s a quick recap before we get too serious. :)
(1) Dropped my phone in my coffee cup. Dead. Got old phone reactivated.
(2) Almost got eaten by a camel. Will post picture later.
(3) Spilled coffee in my white purse. Now borrowing roommates until I can afford another something to carry my wallet…and 135000 other unnecessary things.
(4) Watched a lot of bad performances on American Idol, and some even worse group singing. Very happy they are in the top 12 now. (Or however many there are left.)
(5) Saw Carrie Underwood at Walgreens last Wednesday night. So random. Yes, she really is that pretty. Hate her. (Ok I don’t.)
(6) Remembered my love of banana flavored things. Weird.
(7) Bought a card at Hallmark for my husband-to-be. No, I’m not engaged, dating anyone, or even close to any of those things. That makes the 3rd card I have bought him. Yep, I have a ‘him’ box.
(8) Almost bought a Dora the Explorer coloring book. For myself.
(9) Gotten reacquainted with my Pilates DVDs. Sort of.

(Sorry I can’t think of a 10th.)

Ever go through those seasons where you fee like so much is being thrown at you and you only have so many arms to play catch? I don’t mean experiencing multiple tragedies or being kicked when you’re already down. (Although we’ve all been there, done that, and don’t wish to repeat.) I just mean…lessons, enlightenment, realizations, the rebirth of gratitude, being stretched, understanding…PEACE. Lately I’ve been in one such season. Most days that I sit down to write a post, I don’t do it all at one time. I’ll write some, go do something, come back and read through what I wrote, maybe add a little more…you get the idea. But with everything I’ve been taking in recently, I’ve found it hard to even complete a thought. (Then when I do, Blogger erases it and it takes me 2 more weeks to post. Grrr.) Every time I get a part of something down, I decide to write about something else instead. (Clearly this is a masterpiece already…oh geeze.)

When I was in college a girl friend of mine and I would have coffee dates often just to talk about life and be REAL for a bit. It’s funny you think people get out of all that silly trying-to-be-someone-you’re-not stuff after high school, and you go on with life and there it still is. This friend and I had a way of keeping one another on the ground and intentionally dealing with and talking through issues that we had. One time in particular she looked at me and said,

“Abby, do you feel like you fit in here?...
(Long pause…me trying to figure out if she was about to break the news to me that I didn’t because I was weird or something…)
….Cause I don’t feel like I do.”

And something about the look on her face made me know exactly what she meant without her saying another word.

“I know what you mean…and I don’t either.”

That was the first time that with the words of both our hearts, we sort of understood that Christian phrase often used, “we were not made for here.” I never really got what that meant when I was younger. I knew that I was going to live in heaven one day, but I couldn’t really grasp the idea around the rest of it.

I’m starting to get it. We were not made for here. Not for the violence, the hatred…the sin, the shame, the guilt…the crimes, the murders, the stealing…the sadness, the separation, the darkness...We were not made for here. Something that I have been blown away by these last 8 months is the GOODNESS of God’s character. God is good. Not just God acts good, or God does good…He IS goodness. He IS love. The very definition of. For a lot of people, their current circumstance tends to determine the beauty and attractiveness of their character in another’s eyes. (I mean, we all have our days.) But His character is always good…and constantly better as we grow deeper and learn to perceive Him in new ways and through an experienced, more seasoned eye.

Simple as it is, one of my most favorite things I’ve ever heard said is, “God isn’t just a big us.” He’s not just some over-sized human sitting up there playing boss. He isn’t messed up. He doesn’t have a dark side, and He is not out to get us. We were meant to live in perfection with Christ. And things took an ugly turn a while back right around a certain apple-producing tree. We were not created with the intention of being manipulated and tortured by life, though that is the reality that much of the world finds itself in now—a place we’ve all felt on certain days. A few such instances have really hit home to me here recently.

The first was the death of Eve Carson, the student body president at UNC-Chapel Hill, where I graduated from last May. Eve’s car was hijacked, and she was shot multiple times; her lifeless body left on the side of the road to die. Innocence stolen from the very ground I walked on for 4 years. That could have been me. Why, is the only word that comes to mind in situations like that. Why did those men need that car so bad to have to steal it from a girl who had a lifetime of plans ahead of her. And even if they took the car, why did they have to kill her? What harm was she to their world?

The second story that would have knocked me to the ground had I not already been sitting when my roommate told me, was that of a young 20-something girl who attends Belmont University. Not two weeks ago, this young woman received a phone call that would change her life forever. There was a fire in her house back home and everything she owned is now a pile of ashes. All that is hers is what is with her at school. And what is worse…the second part of that conversation where she found out that her parents were home at the time of the fire, and they didn’t make it out. Thankfully her younger sister, about to finish her senior year of high school, wasn’t home at the time. But can you imagine that phone call? Just gone to a friends house, and the next thing you know literally all you have in the world are the clothes on your back.

There are countless others. People who are killed by cancer, and other diseases. Children orphaned by their parents choice. Drug and alcohol addictions that twist and shred minds and bodies daily. Kidnappings. Thieves. Child abusers. And a multitude of other horrible, unimaginable things happening to people all over the world. Everything can be fine, and then like a really bad magician, the table cloth gets pulled out from under you and everything in your world appears shattered.

How in the world do we get up in the morning? Because of this weekend. Because of today. Because the one thing that could have separated us from a loved one for eternity was conquered by Jesus Christ. “The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said.” (Matthew 28:6) Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. We grieve lost ones, as we absolutely should. But we grieve with hope, because we know their story isn’t over.
HE. IS. ALIVE. And He is coming back for us. That truth has never been made more real to me than in the last few weeks. Those days when I struggle to understand the foreign images of violence and hatred around me, it is nearly all I cling to stay afloat. I am daily learning to embrace my “misfit” feelings and allow them to serve as a constant reminder of my purpose on this earth. Ultimately, our citizenship is in heaven, and I can not wait to get there. But we are also called right here, right NOW—to live in the world, but not be a product of it. You are His, and not a thing in this world can keep you from Him, except yourself. This is only the beginning. We’ve an eternity of praise ahead of us, and I have found that in the moments I am struggling most, if I’ve the strength to raise my eyes and gaze at His…love has never looked more beautiful.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics to a song by one of my most favorite artist, inspired by part of a C.S. Lewis quote. Keep clinging to Him…and hope you’re having a marvelous Easter. :)

“The C.S. Lewis Song” (Brooke Fraser)
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for Hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found on the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for Hope to come for me

We are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming...

False Alarm

2008-03-08T17:22:00.000-06:00

I just spent the last 2 days writing a 3-page, single-spaced post/word doc that I was actually quite proud of...that blogger is now saying does not exist.

I'm sorry...WHAT.
Oh. My. Goodness. Upset much? Understatement of the century.
I shall return when the color in my face isn't red and silently screaming angry words at the computer screen.

(And no...it wasn't saved as a word document on my computer so my enormous supply [more like a thought or two] of documented knowledge on the first 9 chapters of Exodus is now lost in internet land forever. If I have the patience later, I'll shall try once more to enlighten you with my two syllable words and over-use of parenthesis...But I will not be happy about it.)

I do miss you.

"I'll Be Back"

2008-02-19T16:06:00.000-06:00

Somehow I think Arnold sounds much cooler than me when he says that phrase...

But alas, "I'll be back" either tonight or tomorrow to post a little something that I've been reading about and that has been on my heart, but I just wanted to ask ya'll to pray for some friends of mine who are leaving the country tomorrow! They will be gone until this weekend, so maybe if you happen to think of them between now and then just pray for...
*safe travel there and back
*a HAPPY few days for their children and family who are staying home
*that they will have a blast
*and that God just blows their socks off!! :)

Thanks so much!! Back in a bit...
(sorry for any typos...no time to check!)

Sponge Coffee and Camp Preachers

2008-02-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

(This post was a lot more coherent in my head before I started…so you have been fair-warned of any boredness or confusion that may occur. :) )
Thursday afternoon I decided to make some coffee. (Please see parenthesis at end of entry for a quite serious confessional of sorts.) We hadn’t cleaned out the filter from the last time we used it, so I went to dump it out and ended up spilling its contents all over the handle sponge that was in the sink. (…which, I must add, was surrounded by dirty dishes even though the dish washer, sitting just 2 feet to the right, was completely empty and more than ready to accept a new day’s load. DON’T get me started.)
I decided to go ahead and finish getting the coffee ready (priorities people) and then I would clean up the sponge mess. I have to tell you that this isn’t just a regular square sponge with a scrubby side and a squishy side. (Sorry for the wildly technical terms.) This is one of those that the sponge material is really thin and attached to a handle that you can put soap in that comes out the bottom into the sponge. Plenty of little tiny spots for little tiny ground up coffee beans to get stuck. Dern.

I don’t know if it was the holy ghost moment I was about to have praising the Lord for CARAMEL TRUFFLE COFFEE, that I was thinking about a Beth Moore video I had watched recently, or the fact that I almost had to ask for forgiveness for the dirty word that was nearing my brain due to the misfortune of my kitchen appliance...but suddenly I had an uber-spiritual thought about our coffee-spotted dish scrubber.

“I should be more like this sponge.” (Give me a minute, I’ll get there.)
At that moment, there was no way I was getting those coffee grounds out of their new green squishy home. No matter what I did, they weren’t budging…they sort of moved around inside the sponge as I ran water over it, and most just got lodged farther inside. Then came the slightly creepy, but real to me, thought I had about wanting to change my physical make-up to that of the Sponge-Bob breed.
What if the Jesus in me was like the coffee grounds in this sponge. (And no I’m not saying that the Savior of the world came from a bean grown in Guatemala--although it does have a heavenly scent…ha, ha.—sorry.)
What if I allowed Him to be so stuck on and in me that no matter what came my way, no matter what spell the enemy tried to brain-wash over me, no matter what others thought of me, no matter how I felt, no matter what my worries, doubts, or fears were…my reaction, my answer, my hope, my home was simply JESUS. What if I actually let the Savior of the world inhabit my being the way that was intended?

Last summer at camp, one of our Bible study days was spent leading the campers through an extremely scaled-down model of the temple in the OT. We talked about the way they used to sacrifice animals, bring their offerings to the Lord, how one priest would enter the Holy of Holies on the Day of Atonement, and how the people would bring their prayer request to the priest that they might be brought before the Lord. (I must say this all came about because we have discovered that the current generation growing up in the world has never been more spiritually hungry, but unfortunately they (self included) are equally biblically illiterate. We had one student summer before last ask us how they got the ark from Noah to fit in the Holy of Holies…he was referring to the ark of the covenant…yeah, wow.)
One night at evening worship, our speaker brought up something related to the temple Bible study that I will never forget. He asked the students to think about those that lived in the days where God’s presence dwelt in the Holy of Holies and the questions they will one day have for those of us privileged enough to have His very presence dwell in our hearts. “What was that like to have the creator of the universe live inside of you?”

Can you imagine the wonder with which they will ask that question? Most of them never having been able to get past the first few temple levels just to have the chance to think about speaking to God…and now we don’t have to move an inch. Don’t have to roll out of bed. Don’t have to shut off the car. Don’t have to wait until the trash is out. Don’t have to finish washing the dishes. And we certainly don’t have to keep quiet until Sunday. Oh, how I take the presence of the Lord for granted! He chose to live in ME!

(By the way, I have no idea how to tie this back into the coffee sponge from which I started so I’ll just not try.) I have recently been reminded of the deep poverty of my spirit and its desperate need to be daily restored by the only someone fully able to perform such a task. As a growing Christian I think it’s one of those things you subconsciously know--“I need help”. But when you actually start investigating through a scriptural lens the degree to which you need it, there are sure to be some sore toes, and consequently, sore knees. What I am finding is that I don’t know the half of what my God is capable of…and mostly because I don’t give Him the chance to show me.

I am all the time trying to do what Jesus would do because it’s what Jesus would do, inevitably missing the point of the heart of love behind it. A few weeks ago the pastor of a church I attend frequently was doing a sermon on the church as a whole and characteristics of biblical ministry. One of his points was this, “When Jesus is reduced to just an example, that is a false gospel…because He is so much more than that.” For example, when we feed the hungry (or insert any other outreach ministry opportunity) just because once fed, they will listen to the gospel, we betray the teaching of Christ and His character. Yes, by all means we want to share the gospel whenever given the opportunity, but not at the expense of portraying Christ heart in the pure and genuine form that we are privileged to experience daily at the throne of grace.

Annnnnnnnnd I’m out of things to say. :)
(PS. I think I have a major addiction…I LOVE COFFEE. This is a serious situation. Let’s just say, if coffee was alcohol, I can’t remember the last time I was sober. Yeah. It’s THAT bad. Prayers appreciated.)

Honorary Backstreet Boy

2008-02-05T13:50:00.000-06:00

It is necessary that you watch the head banging at the end :)

Cleaning Mask

2008-01-29T23:42:00.000-06:00

I realized something about myself today. I was babysitting for a family this afternoon, and one child was in her cozy crib taking a nap, and the other decided that she wanted to watch Curious George instead of playing a game with me. (Bummer. Loss of cool points from army captain night) So I did what I always do when all children are occupied and for the moment don't need me...I cleaned. What is that? Most people would probably pull up a seat and hang with the monkey, but no, I grab the dish rag and start scrubbing. At first I used to think it was just because I was a nice person (humor me) and I just wanted to help other people out with some light straightening up because I'm pretty good at it and can do it rather fast. Which is true...I do love to clean other people's houses, and I love doing extra work for families I'm with if there is down time. But today I started sort of thinking about my weeks and weekends and what I do at home and I started realizing a pattern.

I think about a lot of things in my car when I'm on the way home from work. I pray random thoughts, or for people in my life that come to mind...and a lot of times I end up realizing some area(s...there is usually more than one) that I need to work on or improve in my walk with the Lord, or in my study habits, or prayer life, or serving attitude, etc. So then I make a point in my mind to go straight in the house and journal about whatever I have just discovered needs some tweaking, or do a Bible study lesson, or just sit and talk to Jesus for a while. And then I walk in the house and see a million things that need to be done (dishes to wash, bed to make, floor to vacuum...and put-off my spiritual moment until things are all in order. Then normally by the time I get finished cleaning everything in site, I'm tired, so I justify my reward of relaxing (eating) and watching tv after working so hard, and say well, I'll just have that spiritual moment right before bed...then I can sleep on it. Right. And then the next morning when I wake up late because I didn't want to get out of my warm bed to give myself enough time to shower AND talk to Jesus about that thing (that I have now reminded HIM of like 3 times as if HE was going to forget)...I say well, I have to shower for work, so we'll talk right after I get home. (Go back to beginning of paragraph and repeat.)

So I'm cleaning the dishes while Curious George gets locked in the zoo after-hours, and I realize that I have a stalling mechanism that masquerades as a really great housekeeper. Whenever I have something serious to do with Jesus, I avoid it like the plague. I mean, I'm sure we all have our ways of putting off dealing with our junk...but when the free time is there, I have no excuse. I just walk around looking for things to clean so I don't have to sit still and really face what I need to fix. I do my regular devotion, and then pray as I normally do, but I always skip whatever that thing is that I need to fix.

So tomorrow. My room will be just as messy as it is now, but I'm not going to touch it until the real mess is cleaned up. I'm dealing with my junk. Honest.

There...I'm out of the closet, I've confessed, so now you can hold me to it.
What is your 'secret' stalling trick?

Elch.

2008-01-25T17:20:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick. Especially when you get that blah feeling where you just don't care about anything...not even your hair. Which considering the new do, is rather sad that I don't have the energy to fix it. It's currently in a static-pony tail and I'm sure if you looked hard enough, you would find traces of kleenex and napkins from the car. Yum.

I have been doing a bunch of random temp. jobs while Melissa is out of town and not needing me which have worn me to my last shred of energy, but suddenly became great once I saw the gas bill and realized where my extra money from this week would be going. You don't even want to know. (And are we ticked off because we've been freezing our behinds off trying to keep the heat down, and our bills is still MORE than last month? YES. Thoroughly.)

I have been reading and learning some cool Jesus stuff, and sadly I don't even have the energy to tell you about it...except that HE is AWESOME. He has taken care of my every need and then some. After I get some sleep tonight and tomorrow I do want to tell you about something we talked about at Kairos a few weeks ago on the subject of name calling. But not the kind you think. :)

OOOooo my roommate is back with medicine and a movie. :D So it is required of me to retreat to my nap chair and not get up until bedtime. By the way...I'm SO SICK of drinking hot tea...if I died today (and I believed in reincarnation) I would no doubt come back as somebody's soothing throat-coat tea bag and leave them just as unhappy as I am. Hey moms, any suggestions for a sore throat?

Reporting for Duty

2008-01-20T01:31:00.000-06:00

When I showed up to babysit for little Austin tonight (and by little I mean 8 years old) I wasn't expecting to wear a uniform for most of the night. I was really excited to be working this weekend (I kept Hutch last night and then Austin tonight) because I just got my hair cut on Thursday and hadn't had the chance to really go anywhere with it. :) (PTL for friends who know how to cut hair...and do it for FREE) So I did my hair all up (not to impress anyone...but just cause I had a new do (sp?)to do) and wore a cute outfit to match my cute hair. And then I messed the whole evening up. I asked Austin what he wanted to play and my hair nearly wilted at his words. "Can we play army?" I have a new appreciation for moms of multiple army-playing boys.

I got the back-pack, I got the army gun, I got the bullet boxes (aka: 2 empty, old new balance shoe boxes), I got the stuffed black lab, named Abby as well, and I got the captain hat. I thought I would have gotten a cool green helmet like his, but instead mine was white and made of cloth...I could have run my own shrimp boat with that thing. And, yeah, I said HAT. Forget the cute hair...we had exactly 260 men to kill downstairs in the pool(table) room, and only 3 hours until bedtime to do it. [Between re-loading for the next round of action, we let the real dog out...ALSO named Abby (what?) and had some left-over pizza.] I don't know how we managed to kill them all cause I had a hard time finding them...but he assured me, as I radioed in the pilot to come pick our injured selves up and take us to the BED-plane, that we in fact had won--in spite of me having three bullets in my leg, and Austin with his abdomen count of 2. After a night of hard-core violence (and a near identity crisis with all those Abby's running around), we settled in and read a few Disney books...cause that's what you do after you kill a fleet of armed soldiers...and tucked tough man into bed.

And suddenly I miss Hutch throwing potatoes at me...

Potential Let-Down...But Not Really :)

2008-01-17T17:48:00.001-06:00

So I keep mentioning this day that is so special to me and that I am so excited about, and then I keep not writing about it. I am a lame friend. Ok not really. :) I hope I didn't hype it up too much that this won't seem like the big deal that it actually was/is...and if so, I'll bake you some cookies or something to make up for it. :p

I started this blog last year (I think in February) about a month after returning from Passion '07 in Atlanta Georgia. For those of you that don't know, Passion is a large ministry started by Louie Giglio and his wife and a small team of individuals incredibly devoted to seeing the name of Jesus spread like wildfire. It is rooted in Isaiah 26:8: “Yes Lord, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You, for Your name and renown are the desire of our souls.”
(From their website): Passion exists to glorify God-uniting students in worship and prayer for spiritual awakening in this generation.

Passion seeks to gather college and university students across the nation and around the world to seek the face of God, asking Him to ignite in our souls a passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ and a desire to spread His fame to everyone on earth.

We believe God is calling out a generation of college students committed to the glory of His name in all things. God longs to bring awakening to every campus, mobilizing the students of today to finish the task of global evangelization in this generation. God is calling us out for this purpose, in this moment, for His renown."

They are also the people responsible for sixstepsrecords, which has brought us artist such as Chris Tomlin, David Crowder Band, Charlie Hall, and many others. In my one week experience with the Passion '07 Conference and all those involved with it, my jaw still drops and heart still beams at the thought of the amazing work that the Lord does through these adults He has called to be leaders to my generation in helping us get off our behinds and tell the world about the Savior that is waiting for them with open arms. Oooo I just get chills thinking about how wonderful they are. Please check out the website if you've never heard of this group...there is music to buy, sermons to download, conference information, etc. and it's all amazing!
Go here--> www.268generation.com

Oh goodness half-way through a novel and I haven't said IT yet. I will save some time by saying if you need more details about the actual experience I had with the Lord during my week in Atlanta, you can read about some of it in my first 4 or 5 blog entries...I'll not repeat it all here...after all, this isn't a Harry Potter book...I don't have that much space.

January 1, 2007, somewhere between 8 and 9 pm, I made the most important decision of my life. I grew up in a wonderful Christian home where going go church wasn't just something we did to check off our social list. It was valued, it meant something, and it was like a second home to me--a safe place, a place of security, and a place of love. When I was 11 years old and in the 5th grade, I remember my dad saying to me, "I think Dr. Smith might have some good sermons for kids your age, why don't we set up a time for you to go meet with him." I thought, um, ok...I like my preacher...why not. :) (Ps. my dad was the minister of music and youth so I already knew the preacher quite well...us staff kids sort of just grow up together like we were all one family...we still do Christmas Eve dinner and exchange presents together almost 20 years later. *Grin*) So I went and talked to my preacher, but to be honest I don't really remember anything that we talked about. I was more concerned with looking around his office at his books and the stuff on the wall, and trying to see if I could find his sermon for Sunday sitting out anywhere so I could see how far he had gotten. At the end of the conversation (and prayer) I remember Him saying, "I look forward to seeing you walk down this Sunday." I didn't say so, but I remember thinking, "Oh........what?" And then, "Ok, right, that's what people do when they want to get baptized. They walk down the aisle and do the awkward stand-in-front-of-the-congregation thing. Oh, is this what that was for? Did I say I wanted to do that?" Somewhere along the conversation, while searching for the sermon of course, I must have answered all the questions right because that's exactly what was about to happen.

Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't want to get baptized, but I think I just didn't realize exactly what I was doing. I mean, clearly I believed in God and Jesus and knew what happened to Christ and why (and had no problem telling my church that)...I hadn't known anything different since I popped out 11 years before. But I think that's sort of what I mean...I knew the answers like the back of my hand because I had heard them my whole life. But knowing them and understanding them, are two very different things. (I mean please, how much 'BS' information did I memorize for college exams--enough to 'know it for the test'. And I'm NOT saying Jesus information is BS...I'm just saying, you can know something and at the same time not know the first thing about it.) So the next Sunday I walked down (on the LAST verse of the song...I had witnessed many a person go down too early, and I wasn't about to stand there for 3 more verses). And then a few months later that spring, I got baptized.

I never was a 'bad' kid in middle/high school. In fact, I was called a 'goody-two-shoes' just about as much as my name was said. I always did well in school, and I for whatever reason I was just never tempted to try drugs or alcohol, or sleep around with boys...I was just uninterested and indifferent to all of those things. But have no fear, the devil knew where to tempt me instead (again that info is more in my first entries and some others I've written about along the way so I won't repeat here). My parents were awesome, and we just knew right from wrong and didn't really see a point in dangling over the line. In fact (forgive me cause we totally meant this in a joking way) when we used to leave the house to hang out with friends mom would ask where we were going and we would say "we're going to smoke pot" and she'd always say something like "ok, have fun honey" because she knew the chances of were over somebody's dead body, when pigs learned to fly, or when a very hot place opposite heaven was to freeze over.

In college I went to church every Sunday, participated in Bible Studies, and even worked at a Christian summer camp that I grew up going to every year since birth. Minus some internal battles I was dealing with, I thought I was doing alright. I was very legalistic about my religion at the time though. Checking off 'Jesus things' became necessity for my spiritual tank to feel like I had worked hard enough to earn my spot in heaven for the day. (WOW, I knew nothing.) After taking a new testament class, and attending a few other 'faith' events I just started having this nagging question in my head. "How do you know if you're going to heaven or not." What? Abby, you were baptized when you were 11...check it off your list, you're fine." Still, it didn't let up. I was haunted day and night..."Am I going to heaven? What if I'm not..how do I know FOR SURE...but everybody thinks I am because I did the aisle thing, and I'm a minister's kid, and a nice person...(rattle brain, rattle brain)" Absolute torture. I wouldn't dare ask somebody about my question...after all, I was one of the ones who told other people how to get to heaven...through Jesus. I knew that...again with the "knowing the answers" thing.

So January 1, 2007 in an auditorium of over 20,000 college kids just like me, I finally got my answer. I fear this is too much already, so I won't give you a play by play, but that night I met Jesus face to face for the first time in my 22 years of life. That was the night that I realized I had BELIEVED IN GOD my whole life...like I said before, I didn't know any different from birth. But I had never BELIEVED GOD before. Believed what He said about me. That Christ really hung there FOR ME. I wasn't the exception to the gospel...I was part of the reason for it. Those that know me would probably still say that I was saved when I got baptized that spring of my 5th grade year. But I know different. My heart knows different. It was January 1, 2007. The greatest day of my life. And the day that I will claim as my new birthday until Jesus himself comes back to take me home. Because now I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW...I AM HIS.

I used to be scared to tell people about my story. After all, I was a ministers kid 'lost' to her heart's home for 22 years. I was sort of embarrassed. And then I said, "well what a fruit cake you are". (Seriously. I hate fruit cake.) JESUS CHRIST SAVED ME. What is there to be embarrassed about?!?!?! PRAISE THE LORD!!! HALLELUJAH!!! GLORY TO HIS NAME!!! I AM A FRIEND OF GOD!!!!!

I love you girls...I really do. Thanks for letting me be me and that be ok. :) The dirt in my room is beckoning me to deal with it. I could supply your family with a complete place setting for everyone with the dishes I have in here. Bless my heart. So I'm gonna go clean. Go get some eye drops for your dried-out eyes if you are still reading. And maybe some coffee and dark chocolate...just because they rock. :D

Oh, and Ephesians also rocks. :)

this and that and no caps

2008-01-10T18:06:00.000-06:00

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, long time no "read" (hehe) which means i have lots to say and lots of blogs to visit myself!! which also means no time for capital letters. sometimes i think the shift key is over-rated anyhow...unless pushing two buttons at one time burns more calories...in that case i would be all over it!! speaking of calories, i am currently chowing down on some special k cereal...the new kind with the chocolate pieces in it. have you tried it? good stuff. (i would capitalize that for emphasis, but that would defeat my shift-key fast.)

so i still don't have a computer (thank goodness for roommates) but i can't complain too much because my parents are being super sweet and purchasing some extra memory for my ice-age machine that i got when i started at carolina. apparently my computer only has 1/4 of the memory that any bottom-end/cheap computer on the market comes with now-a-days so we've got to get mine caught up! to be honest, it has been nice not having it...sort of like a detox thing. it makes me a little less stressed not to feel the need to check my email every hour, or that i have to respond to any messages within 5 minutes of receiving them for fear the world will be lost without me or my input. (ha.)

enough about that. so when i got back to town, hutch had grown a mile and a half. i promise he is the smartest 17 mo. old on the planet. he can sing his abc's (even the "now i know my abc's..." part at the end), twinkle-twinkle little star, the b-i-b-l-e, jesus loves me, count to ten in english and spanish (what?!), pick up the walkie on his jeep that he got for christmas and say "breaker, breaker" like a pro...and he knows how to steal the heart of his 23 year old nanny. i love him.

so bills came in last month (as they do every month) and the nunnery (nickname for our house because we live on "convent place") has decided we are in emergency mode. our house and all those in it are now living under "operation simplicity". we are going back to the dark ages (literally with the lights) to save money, and have adopted the following new policies.

*natural light is awesome. electric lights are out. candles are in.
*heat. what is that? blankets, long pants, sweatshirts and socks were created for a reason.
*cable tv. is this really necessary? honestly. i own all 10 seasons of friends, and we have countless movies on dvd. when are we even home to watch much else? (don't comment much on this one...i'm still trying to convince myself that i'll survive without a play by play of mcdreamy and meredith's relationship status every thursday night. and am i the only one that doesn't like izzy and george together?) (ps..we haven't made a decision on dropping the cable, but it's in the possibility corner.)
*taking hot showers is awesome. and will continue to be awesome. because we don't pay the water bill. :) (well...ok it's probably in the rent somewhere...but humor me.)

so far we've been pretty successful...so we'll see how this thing goes...

i added a few things to my routine in the new year. one of them is taking a bubble bath once a week. there are few things more relaxing. hot water, candles, hot tea (with honey!) and any one of my favorite speakers in my ipod. currently i'm listening to beth moore's series on jonah. i bought the audio from her website and did it a few years ago in college and loved it. i have a really cool jonah story about me and one of my roommates that i'll have to tell you later. anyways, i'll be on week 2 tonight. i'm going to try to do this bubble bath thing like once a week. it is just much more fun to get clean this way than just a quick shower. :) (it's the little things that make me excited!)

i'm still reading the ragamuffin gospel (i have to read stuff like that really slow because there is just so much there) and i also just started beth's 90-day daniel study. it is a really awesome format and one that's easy to keep consistent with because it's not too much for one day, but the stuff that is there will really make you think and challenge you, and it's just been a cool journey so far. i'm a little ocd (obsessive compulsive) about certain things, and it just tickles me so that i started the study on jan. 1st so my days match up with the calendar date. i.e. today is january 10th, and i am on day 10. :) when it gets to february i'm sure i'll have a small panic attack (kidding.) when the dates go back down to 1 an i keep going, but i'll survive. has anybody done the 90-day 'jesus the one and only'? i've heard it's awesome too so maybe that will be next...

if i could get you gals to pray for something that would be awesome. i keep having this particular thought about investing my time in doing something, but i'm not sure if it's something i'm just coming up with in my own head, or if it's something that i think the Lord really wants me to do and i've just now started listening to Him about it. i hate to be so vague, but if it does end up happening down the road, i don't have a clue how to even go about it or where to start...so i just don't want to say too much in case it does happen, i want it to be led by Him and not my own influences. kay enough confusing you there...just pray about it if you feel like it. :D thanks.

so i know that some of you are curious about my special day last week because i mentioned it right fast in that other post. it was a doosy (sp?) of a day...in a good way and some not...but mostly awesome. and i'm about to be the jerk of blog-land, because i'm about to leave and not talk about it again...ahh!! :) forgive me! i promise you will understand why this day was/is so important to me when i actually write about it, but it deserves it's own post, so i'm going to wait maybe just one more time. i am sort of in the middle of journaling about some things that have gone on in the last year and i want to complete my thought there before trying to explain things in blogworld. you know how when you write and you stop in the middle of it, it's hard to get back to that mindset of being in that moment...so i just want to go there and finish, and then i'll spill all the beans.

well my cereal is gone now and i'm still hungry, so i'm going to head back to the kitchen. i knew i should have gone on that walk today. looking forward to catching up with you girls. hopefully i'll be back tonight to read all about what ya'll have been up to. i have missed you!!! we are so blessed...don't forget to tell jesus thanks today...he is so wonderful :)

ps...read psalm 40 and let it rock your socks off :D

Happy New Year!!

2007-12-31T22:27:00.000-06:00

Hey beautiful girls!!! I don't have but just a second but I wanted to pop in before 2008! Tomorrow is a really special day for me which I'll have much to say about later, but it will be a novel, so for those that may pop in before then, I'll save you from 2 books back to back. :) I left my computer in North Carolina by accident, so my fab parents are sending it later this week. (Thanks to my bud Daniel for letting me borrow his.)

So my phone died yesterday on the way back to Nashville, and I was panicking cause this day and age what do you do when you are without both the internet AND a phone?! We don't have a house line, so of course I'm thinking the world is going to end...(not really, but just work with the dramatic scene here)
But have no fear, I was at the Verizon store this morning when it opened and got a brand new phone for free!! I walked in with a pink phone (my sweet dad got a little confused when he got our phones...we'll just say PINK was not on my list of favorite phone colors...but it was free for me, and I was a happy daughter at the time) ..and I walked out of the store with a RED phone--the color I actually wanted when we bought new ones...so maybe Jesus thought He'd give me a surprise, last-minute Christmas present. :) I sort of wish He had done it without the 6 hour freak-out session on the way back to town, but oh well...I guess His sense of humor is still in tact. :D

Anywho...I'm sitting here with my Banana Hot Cocoa (oh yeah...we have some rockin' gas station cappuccino [sp?] machines in town), new guitar strings (thanks again, Daniel) and a new red phone about to watch Dick Clark. Hope ya'll have an awesome last night in '07...special things to share later this week...love ya'll..

PS...if you haven't read Daniel lately (not my friend mentioned above...the Old Testament book...hahaha) you should check it out again...it's AWESOME. :)

My First Christmas as an Only Child

2007-12-23T22:50:00.000-06:00

I have one older brother. Already the title of this entry sounds a little odd. I have a wonderful older brother named Aaron who is 25 and lives on Oak Island…a small place off the coast of North Carolina about 45 minutes from Wilmington. And up until tomorrow (I know…bad grammar) we have spent every Christmas (well, every holiday really) at home with our parents in Lenoir, North Carolina. (Apparently we have a thing for small towns.) But this year is different. Aaron got married to the best girl in the world (see side-bar for sister-in-law love)…Downey. I love her and she could not fit into our family more. Really, it’s scary how much she is like us. I guess my brother just loved me so much he wanted to marry somebody that talked just like me. HaHa. I am one of those that is able to take any one syllable word and immediately increase it’s grammatical status to at least 3 or more. (I blame Martina McBride, Tracey Lawrence, Teri Clark, and John Michael Montgomery…my first country loves.)

Anyways, back to my point. This is my very first Christmas as an only child. Last year Aaron and Downey were engaged, but not yet married, so they still spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at their own houses. We still got up between 9 and 10 (yes moms, there is hope for a day when your children will sleep past 6 Christmas morning…and believe me, we have to MAKE ourselves get up at that time), did our presents while eating (my favorite) cinnamon rolls with the orange icing and drinking hot chocolate (Aaron and dad) coffee (mom and me), then had a big Christmas lunch (that was actually breakfast food), and spent the rest of the day ooing and ahhing over our new stuff and watching the cheesiest lifetime movies we could find. All family traditions still in tact through Christmas ’06.

Now it’s Christmas ’07. I am sitting in the living room surrounded by Santas we have collected over the years, our 12 foot tree (that is artificial for the first time in my life…OH, that is another story with a soap box in itself), Love Actually is playing on the TV, and I just finished some apple cider that was a little too watered down to bring out my holiday spirit. Dang it. My brother is in Boiling Springs (again with the small towns) with his bride and her family where they will wake up on Christmas morning. My brother will not be here on Christmas morning. (I know, I just said that twice.) Not to be TOO sappy, cause please, he is my brother and we do still get on each other’s nerves from time to time...but its just not going to be the same! We are messing up the present system for Pete’s sake! Kid 1, parent 1, kid 2, parent 2 (repeat). It was so perfect! The sad part is, I won’t even get to SEE my brother on Christmas day! We won’t see him until the afternoon/night of the 26th. I know people do this all the time, and most of you won’t see your siblings n whatnot actually on Christmas day (and if you do, maybe just don’t tell me now…you can send me a “ps” after new years) but this is the first time our family traditions are going through a major change!

Aaron and I always sit together at the Christmas Eve service at our church. Dad's a minister, and mom is either in the choir or playing the piano, or both…so that just left us kids.

Aaron and I always sit together at the “kid table” at our pastor’s house after the Christmas Eve service…even though all of the “kids” at our table are college graduates except 1 who is just 2 years away. We’ve been our little Christmas gang away from the ‘adults’ since I was in Middle School! (Oh, the homely years. *Shudder*)

Aaron and I always watch Christmas Vacation with our parents every Christmas Eve, after the service, after the dinner, after our PJs are on.

Aaron and I always wait til Christmas morning and scurry around trying to find bags and bows to wrap our presents in. (He used to just open the presents from my parents and then go upstairs and use the bags they gave him to put their gifts in...yes, please laugh.)

Aaron always had to knock on my door to wake me up because I insisted we have Christmas morning actually IN the morning (a revolutionary idea, I know)...but I was always the last one in the bed.

Aaron and I always got at least one 'toy' that was the same. One year it was a giant stereo, one year a game boy, once a digital camera, there was the ipod year, and the next was the room speaker for the ipod. And the list goes on.

Aaron and I always made fun of my dad because we couldn't touch a present until his Mannheim Steamroller CD was full steam ahead in the CD player.

And after the presents were done, Aaron and I always gawked at how blessed we were and how much our parents had outdone themselves that year. Every year.

We will still have the Christmas Eve service, we will still go to Janis and David's afterwards for dinner, I will still sit at the kid table with Jon and Christopher (minus the two married couples), we will still watch Christmas Vacation (or sleep through it...mom) before we go to bed tomorrow night, Santa will still come and bring my presents...he knows where Aaron will be ;), I will still eat my orange-icing cinnamon rolls (GLORY) and coffee, we will still have our big Christmas breakfast/lunch, and my mom will still cry at at least one present that she gets...happens every year.

Sigh. OK, life will go on. And more importantly, Jesus will still be praised. The last thing I do after watching Christmas Vacation every year is go up to my cozy bed and read the Christmas story in the quietness of my own little space. And almost every year, I sit and bawl at the newness I find in that story. This year I will think about my little Hutch and how I can't keep my hands off of his sweet face. And then I'll think if Hutch is THIS cute, can you imagine the effect the Savior of the WORLD..of MY heart..had on those around him? Talk about cute. I bet He was the definition of it. And the greatest love Mary's heart, mine, or yours would or will ever know. What in the world? God loves us so much!!!!

So here's to new beginnings...with our same sweet Jesus.
I love you girls!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! :)

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Beautiful Jesus,
Happy Birthday to you

Quick Hi :)

2007-12-18T18:03:00.000-06:00

Hey girlies!!! I don't have much time because I'm running out the door, but I wanted to just stop in and tell you all how much I appreciate you and your blog friendship!! I think it was thinking about the Siestaville Blog-a-versary that got me in this grateful mood!! Knowing that 98% of us have never met and you still continue to lavish your love, support, and Jesus-wisdom on me for the decisions, successes and struggles in my life means more than you could ever know! The Lord has definitely used your prayers and words of encouragement more than a time or two this fall to carry me through a trial or two..(or 10) So I just wanted to say THANK YOU, and for your bloggity-randomness enjoyment...a top 10 list with absolutely no point :)

#10. I have only bought 1/2 of my Christmas presents.. (the men in my family stump me every year!)
#9. We have a silver tensile (sp?) Christmas tree (picture to come later) because we are poor 20-somethings...but it has brought us much joy :D
#8. I found these GREAT candles at Pier 1 today for like 2 bucks..want He more praise?!?!
#7. Tonight is the last Kairos service...I'm ready to get my praise on!!!
#6. We have substitute mistletoe in our living room=HOT PINK JINGLE BELLS :D :D
#5. I have a secret obsession with dragonflies :)
#4. I bought myself a present for Christmas...a sparkly ornament :D
#3. The peanut butter balls are almost gone...'Abby's pants, we have a problem'
#2. My roommate brought me a Cinnamon Toast Crunch bagel from Panera tonight...GLORY
#1.(and definitely most important) My Best Friend just got engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!! (she will kill me when she sees this...so it's been great knowin' ya'll..)

News and Food

2007-12-14T19:07:00.000-06:00

Well we finally have cold weather in Nashville!! It has been so back and forth I was getting frustrated. Last week I showed up to Hutch's house with a long-sleeved shirt, sweater, and a REALLY thick scarf to see his grandma waiting for me in a t-shirt. (FYI: She was dressed appropriately for that days weather.) I was so determined to make it winter (I mean it WAS the middle of DECEMBER for Pete's sake), that I stood my ground and suffocated my way through the whole day. Oh well, it was winter in my heart. (Awww...hahaha)

So I changed my blog because I wanted something different, but I'm not sure this is what I want either. So be prepared for more changes. I'm feeling indecisive today.

My new favorite coffee (other than anything at STARBUCKS)...Caramel Truffle Coffee. I used to be in an a capella group at Carolina (Go Tar Heels!) and we while on a retreat to the beach one September we found this lovely treat. It makes your house smell heavenly and taste just as good! :) Blue and gold bag on the coffee aisle. ;)

I am tired of watching the news. I don't do it often and one night last week I was reminded of why. There was not one positive or uplifting story in sight. NOT ONE. Everything I heard (not so much watched because I was playing SNOOD on my computer) was about somebody that got killed, somebody that was in jail for killing the somebody that got killed, school-shootings, missing children, sex-offender trials, scandals in politics, and a handful of other depressing topics. Normally there is at least one story about a cute kid winning an art contest whose work is now displayed in some building in the city, or a thing or two about bringing "holiday cheer" to others. (Don't get me started on people not being able to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" anymore...) But there just wasn't anything to smile about. At first I was just mad at the news anchors (like they have anything to do with what they read off the paper). And then I was just mad at everybody. Why is it that nobody seems to care enough about the positive stuff to report it on national television?

My heart was marked the day they played the Invisible Children Documentary (click the name for the website if you are unfamiliar with this) at a very small showing at Carolina during the initial college tour of this video. I have been amazed at the ripple effect of efforts that those 3 boys started just out of a curiosity they had to see what was really going on in Uganda. I have always had a soft spot for Africa because my parents were missionaries there for 2 years before I was born. I have always known that I would go there someday, and I will be on the plane the day that the Lord says "Go". Please check this story out if you have no idea what I am talking about. It is pretty amazing what these college-aged boys were able to do with a little video camera and a lot of heart.

Speaking of Africa, I have a sponsor child named Lizzy that lives in Tanzania (an amazing story because she lives in the EXACT SAME TOWN that my parents used to live in...coincidence? I think not!) I think about her more this time of year and wonder what kind of Christmas they have at her house. I always send her extra money so that those who take care of her family's Christmas can make sure she has what she needs (and wants, if possible) and it just makes me wonder why we stress so much over buying each other presents. $18 dollars is all that this organization asks to provide for each child for Christmas. EIGHTEEN DOLLARS. That's 1/2 a gas tank for my Honda. And yet here I sit fretting over whether or not I have enough money left after bills to give my family the gifts they want. We need nothing and yet we spend until we're in debt during this time of year because somewhere along the way it became more about what you GOT for Christmas than the reason we even call it CHRISTmas. I am making a commitment right now to change the attitude in my heart about Christmas and QUIT stressing over what I am able to give to people. God gave us everything in that little baby Jesus and if that isn't enough for every heart, then nothing my money could buy ever will be.

I sponsor Lizzy through Compassion International, and there are lots of other amazing organizations like World Vision (which Avalon and numerous other artist and groups) represent). I really encourage you to think about sponsoring a child if you've never considered it. Just getting to read Lizzy's letters is more than enough in return for the $30 a month (that's only a handful of trips to Starbucks...or ONE night out to eat if you're buying for a small family) I pay for her to eat and go to school. I think the girl knows more about the Bible than I do, and she is only 10 years old.

Ok, so I made peanut butter balls last night (I won't even tell you what is in them) and now I'm thinking that it was a big mistake. Why you ask? Because 2 of my 4 roommates have already left for the holidays, which means that leaves Laura and I with a HUGE container of a-heart-attack-waiting-to-happen to eat ourselves. (Not to mention the reindeer cookies and white-trash goodies we also made.)
Another random though: I LOVE drinking sparkling grape juice this time of year. The funniest thing is when the person at the check-out counter asks for your ID only to be met with a funny look as you say "um, it's grape juice".

I have been sickly the last few days, and am now stocked up on Airborne. (I think I just spelled that wrong.) Which won't help my chronic allergies/asthma but it makes me feel better like I tried. It will have to suffice until I get my prescriptions refilled. They have a new kind out that you put in hot water to dissolve and it's supposed to taste like Apple Cider. What a let-down. We have the real stuff here left over from a party my roommate had a few weeks ago, so I was able regain my trust in the real thing.

And my last random tidbit for the day...I have been reading 1 Peter for a couple of days and just felt the need to post part of one of the chapters that keeps coming up in my week in conversations and sermons and Bible studies...I figured if I really needed to be reminded of this, then maybe someone else would be blessed by it as well. Happy Friday :)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." (1 Pet. 2:9-10)

'Disturb Me'

2007-12-10T15:43:00.000-06:00

Disturb me for the one whose given up
For the one who’s perseverance has run out
Disturb me for the heart that knows no love
That looks everywhere else to find their worth

..I'm still amazed
At how you've changed, me..

Disturb me for the one who lives in chains
For the one who’s captive in the prison of their shame
Disturb me as a former prisoner of despair
Whose warden was her own jealousy and fear

*Burden me so I can see your heart
That my hunger might be for something more
Teach me how to serve
With words of grace and hands of love
I long to feel the dust around your feet
Disturb me

It shakes me to my roots
That people might have turned from you
Because of what they’ve seen inside of me
Or didn't see...

*Burden me so I can see your heart
That my hunger might be for something more
Teach me how to serve
With words of grace and hands of love
I long to feel the dust around your feet
Disturb me...

Sorry, I can't stand it....He is TOO CUTE not to share :)

2007-12-05T20:38:00.001-06:00

REAL post coming soon...I PROMISE!! :)

No More Secrets

2007-12-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

So it's been a while...again. Haha...but I have been out of town since late Friday night...and I'm about to tell you why.

Ok, I don't like keeping secrets from you guys, and it's been hard to talk about my amazing job--and my precious little boy--without saying names...especially his!!! And I also can't easily write about my weekend without saying names. That just gets to confusing with to use "my boss" and "her son" and "her singing buddies" (1, 2, and 3) and "singing buddies 1 and 2's children" and "singing buddy's children's nanny" ....you get the idea. So if you go here, my mystery boss will be revealed. (She is the second girl, on the right.)

Her name is Melissa Greene, and she is the most humble, sweet, and beautiful girl you've ever met. I am just loving every minute that the Lord allows me to serve her and Ben by keeping their son, HUTCH!!!! ..You know him as the love of my life. :) Her singing companions are Janna Long (the last original Avalon member) whose solo site you can also look at here (I'm sure you know her big hit "Greater is He" that plays when her website comes up), Greg Long (who is married to Janna) website here (his list of successes under "bio" is quite impressive!) and the newest member (who has taken Jody McBrayer's spot as the tenor of the group) Jeremi Richardson. Jeremi has just joined the group this fall after spending the last five years as a member of the Voices of Liberty at Disney World! :) You can read some about him here.

Melissa also has a solo ministry (as do the other members), but has just signed with a new label and will have a CD in stores and songs on the radio in the first quarter of 08! Ya'll...the girl can SING. She has a site here, but I will let you know when the new site and CD and all of that are ready.

So this was my first weekend on the road!! I got to the bus Friday around 9:15 or so and Melissa showed me my bunk and explained where everything was, and then I met everyone! :) The total bus group was Melissa, Hutch, myself, Jeremi, Janna, Greg, their daughters Lilian and Julia, their nanny Kristy, Keely (World Vision rep.), Heath (road manager), and Dale (bus driver). And I loved every one of them!

This weekend the group had shows in Kentucky on Saturday night and Illinois on Sunday night (Chicago...BURRRRRRRRRRR). It was their first round of Christmas shows, and they have a few more coming up, so be sure to check and see if they are coming somewhere near you! You Texas gals, I know they have some shows out your way at the end of the week, so check it out if it's close! They should also be posting tour dates for their big spring tour with the new cd coming out...you can check out a preview of it here (and buy the EP on itunes!)

Well, we just got back this morning around 8:00. Which means....... it's NAP TIME for me, and I will have to tell details later!! :) (But I will say, the Chicago deep-dish pizza that was delivered to the bus after the show last night was good enough to make even the strictest dieter DIG IN.)

Seriously?

2007-11-26T12:01:00.001-06:00

This past Friday we had pictures made for the new church directory--THANK GOODNESS because the last family picture that we had I was very much still coming out of my 'homely' stage. (EW.) My brother Aaron is now married (as of last May) so he did not get to take part in this lovely family affair (lucky thing) as he now lives on Oak Island with his wife, Downey (what a great name!...and yes, she is as country as that sounds!). So we all four packed up Friday afternoon to head to the church for pictures. Yes I said four. Mom, Dad, Me, and Nellie. OUR GREAT DANE. Are you kidding me. This, in a nut shell, explains my dad. I haven't talked much about my parents, but the fact that our great dane just had professional pictures made at the church pretty much sums up his craziness. [And I just need to add that the great dane had more pictures made than I (a HUMAN, and HIS DAUGHTER) did. But that was mostly the photographer's doing so I won't blame that solely on my father--who, by the way, is the minister of music and youth of the church.] ...I told him he should put Nellie's picture beside his staff picture.
So, here are some boring pictures from our time with the awkward photographer. Real post about Thanksgiving later...

The fam...

Mom thinks this one is cheesy...

Mmmhmmm...

Nellie Hinton

Can you tell who I look like? :)

Oh, and I forgot to mention...as a thank you for my dad helping the picture people (he had to let them in and out of the church and whatnot) the photographer gave my dad an 8X11 re-touched picture.....OF THE GREAT DANE.

Embracing Accusation

2007-11-18T22:43:00.000-06:00

Okay, I officially stink at blogging. :) But that's alright...I've accepted it, and I'm moving on...
I have so much I want to write about and normally that means I just wimp out and don't write anything because I am THE most indecisive person on the planet. I've been that way since I was little. I used to apologize to my stuffed animals that didn't sleep with me (because clearly only so many could fit in the bed without suffocating me) and I always had the hardest time deciding which ones would be so privileged to be sweated (word?) and drooled on, and always felt the need to HUG the rejects one more time before hitting the sack. :) What in the world...

Anyways, I was inspired to share my current favorite song (haha...as if there was just one) with you after seeing a commercial for Oprah's Favorite Things show (ps..Julia Roberts is on tomorrow--Monday, that is--for any fans) and just had to share this song because I think I have listened to it every day for like 2 weeks now. It is by Shane Bernard and Shane Everette...also known as Shane&Shane...and it's called Embracing Accusations. The words are amazing, but I would encourage you to go to their myspace page and actually listen to the song (maybe while you read if you'd like) because it is one POWERFUL thing to hear these two AMAZINGLY talented individuals sing together. I'm including the link for their page at the bottom...so please take advantage of it if you have a few minutes to listen. I'll be back tomorrow or Tuesday to write about what's been going on with life! Love ya'll!!

Embracing Accusation
The Father of lies
Coming to steal kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

He’s right, hallelujah, he’s right
The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of
God to me tonight?
That if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

He’s right, hallelujah, he’s right
The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation

The devil’s singing over me an age-old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He’s forgotten the refrain.
JESUS SAVES!!!

website link... here

GRACE

2007-11-12T17:16:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately!! I have enjoyed catching up on some of your blogs, even though I haven’t been posting much! (Haha..i just typed “poasting” instead of p-o-s-t…probably cause I was thinking about making TOAST…goodness…am I ever NOT hungry?!) Anyways…the Lord has been teaching me a lot in the last week or so, but the one thing that has been shouted (beautifully) in my direction far more times than I can count is the subject of grace. GRACE. The most beautiful word. :)

I just started reading “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning yesterday, and I don’t think it was just a coincidence that I picked up a book during such a week where this reoccurring subject was etched so closely to the forefront of my mind. Grace, that is. (I just love saying that word.) So I just wanted to share some of my favorite thoughts written in this book by someone much more well-versed than I. Maybe someone else needs to see these today, or maybe this visual-kinesthetic learner just needs to type them out to see them again herself. Regardless, I hope these words bless your day…in whatever way your heart may need. (Sorry this may be long...REALLY LONG...just read as you have time)

“On a blustery October night in a church outside Minneapolis, several hundred believers had gathered for a three-day seminar. I began with a one-hour presentation on the gospel of grace and the reality of salvation. Using Scripture, story, symbolism, and personal experience, I focused on the total sufficiency of the redeeming work of Jesus Christ on Calvary. The service ended with a song and a prayer.
Leaving the church by a side door, the pastor turned to his associate and fumed, “Humph, that airhead didn’t say one thing about what we have to do to earn out salvation!”
Something is radically wrong.
The bending of the mind by the powers of this world has twisted the gospel of grace into religious bondage and distorted the image of God into an eternal, small-minded bookkeeper. The Christian community resembles a Wall Street exchange of works wherein the elite are honored and the ordinary ignored. Love is stifled, freedom shackled, and self-righteousness fastened. The institutional church has become wounder of the healers rather than a healer of the wounded.
Put bluntly, the American church today accepts grace in theory but denies it in practice. We say we believe that the fundamental structure of reality is grace, not works—but our lives refute our faith. By and large, the gospel of grace is neither proclaimed, understood, nor lived.

…Though the Scriptures insist on God’s initiative in the work of salvation—that by grace we are saved, that the Tremendous Lover has taken to the chase—our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-grooved golf swing. In the penitential seasons we focus on overcoming our weakness, getting rid of our hang-ups, and reaching Christian maturity…Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if only personal discipline and self-denial will mold the perfect me.

…Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace…

…[God] is not moody or capricious; He knows no seasons of change. He has a single relentless stance toward us; He loves us. He is the only god man has ever heard of who loves sinners. False gods—the gods of human manufacturing—despise sinners, but the Father of Jesus loves all, no matter what they do…Through no merit of ours, but by His mercy, we have been restored to a right relationship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of His beloved Son. This is the Good News, the gospel of grace.

Matthew 9:13 “Mercy is what pleases me, not sacrifice. And indeed I came to call not the upright, but sinners.”

…[Jesus is] fully aware that His table fellowship with sinners will raise the eyebrows of religious bureaucrats who hold up the robes and insignia of their authority to justify their condemnation of the truth and their rejection of the gospel of grace.

…Jesus says the kingdom of His Father is not a subdivision for the self-righteous nor for those who feel they possess the state secret of salvation. The kingdom is not an exclusive, well-trimmed suburb with snobbish rules about who can live there. No, it is for larger, homelier, less self-conscious caste of people who understand they are sinners because they have experience the yaw and pitch of moral struggle.

…God not only loves me as I am, but also knows me as I am. Because of this I don’t need to apply spiritual cosmetics to make myself presentable to Him. I can accept ownership of my poverty and powerlessness and neediness.

…We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to cope where others despair, to love where others hurt…My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.

Ephesians 2:8-9 “Because it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith; not by anything of your own, but by a gift from God; not by anything that you have done, so that nobody can claim the credit.”

(quote by Paul Tillich from The Shaking of the Foundations)
“Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life…It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: ‘You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.’ If that happens, to us, we experience grace.”

…Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you really are accepted.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is enough for you; my power is at its best in weakness. So I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me.”

Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white roes and holding palms in their hands (see Revelation 7:9), I shall see the prostitute from the Kit-Kat Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, who tearfully told me she could find no other employment to support her two-year-old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she could faced with grueling alternatives; the businessman besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his last “trick,” whispers the name of the unknown God he learned about in Sunday school; the deathbed convert who for decades had his cake and ate it, broke every law of God and man, wallowed in lust, and raped the earth.
“But how? we ask.
Then the voice says, “The have washed their robes and made them while in the blood of the Lamb.”
There they are. There we are—the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life’s tribulations, but through it all clung to the faith.
My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace." :)

Breaking the Rules :) Wordless Wednesday early ...WORDLESS MONDAY

2007-11-05T18:51:00.001-06:00

(Sorry for the bad quality...I lost my camera cord, so these are pictures, of pictures, taken on my phone and sent to my email...and please forgive the use of words on Wordless Monday.) ;)

Why Does Aunt Flow Have to Bring so Much Food?

2007-11-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

If you are one of the 3 or so males that read my blog (hello camp friends...) maybe this isn't the entry for you. So enjoy the day off from reading your sister-in-Christ's insights about life and do yourself a favor by saving us both the embarrassment of knowing that you have read what is about to follow.

I just wanted to share with you blog siestas those things that have completely taken over my body in the last 2 days. It seems my ovaries have an appetite that the rest of me can not control round about this time and frankly all self-control goes out the window. (And we won't even mention the mood swings...let's just say my prayer life seems to pick up during this certain week every month.) After laying in the bed for half the day yesterday trying to perfect the fetal position while my insides ripped out (lovely)...I went for a walk (which helped a little) and then like any PMS'n woman incapable of controlling herself, I headed for the kitchen. I'm sure I'll be looking up Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers in the phone book next week (who am I kidding...that thought will pass before I go to sleep) but frankly I have come to a conclusion. Calories just don't count when Aunt Flow visits. I mean, she always brings way more food than one person can handle, and just has a way of taking any care about the way you look for those 3-7 days (SEVEN...all the way...EVERY TIME...) and throwing it out with the trash. So as I ate my second dinner last night, I turned to my roommate and said, "Calories don't count right now do they?" and felt entirely vindicated and justified when she IMMEDIATELY and ENTHUSIASTICALLY responded with "Oh absolutely not!!" Praise the Lord...I knew He was watching out for me when He brought these girls together.

So anyway...this entry is completely mindless and poorly written...but I just felt like sharing my indulgences from the last two days. What do you guys pig-out on when your aunt comes?

(ps...for copy-right reasons let me just say that I did not take any of these pictures, nor am I taking credit for them. They can all be found by searching Google Images!!)

What's so Great About Bread??

2007-10-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, before you shoot me with that title, let me assure you that 90% of my life I have been on a carb diet (and by diet I mean, I EAT THEM ALL). There has only been one time in my life that I didn't eat bread or carbs, but that was during a very sick time...both physically and mentally, and PRAISE THE LORD He freed me from that awful bondage of a life and my thighs were quickly re-introduced to the joys of white starches and chocolate again!! :)

(By the way...I'm watching a CSI re-run while I write this, so if at any point I use a big medical word that makes no sense, forgive me...right now they are looking for someone that has killed 5 women already and they thought the killer was a woman driving a meat-packing ice truck, but have just figured out that it was the guy who is with her and she was just his helper to lure the women in with an emotional story about locking her kid in the car......uggg what trashy topics for my brain...why do I watch these mystery shows?! I'm scared of the dark!!! Let alone a serial killer!)

I wanted to share with ya'll today was what we talked about at Kairos (the Tuesday night worship service I go to) tonight. I first have to say that this service has become God's weekly way of speaking directly to my heart for exactly what I need in the next 6 days until returning to that place the following week. Sure, He speaks to me outside of that hour or two in different ways, but there He generally feels ok about getting all up in my face about things because He knows I won't be getting up out of my seat to walk through the maze of tables to the back door to avoid Him. Somehow I can always manage to find the exit of distraction when I'm at home or the coffee shop spending time with Him, but at Kairos it's different. I don't want to take my eyes off of Him. He moves in that place...and over the last 2 months of Tuesday nights, I've realized just how big a dude He is...cause no matter where I sit, He finds me and catches my gaze until I can't help but stare back. It always reminds me of that verse in Isaiah (50:7) that I often pray for Him to set my face like flint--trusting His power over my mistakes.

So when I arrived tonight in the very cool setting that is the Kairos worship service (coffee/tea bar, snacks, dim lighting, tables with candles and Bibles, a prayer station lit by artsy-looking floor lamps, and a stage where some of the most talented and humble musicians play and sing) I went over to my usual sitting area up front (otherwise I'm completely ADD with all the people in front of me) and begin journaling. I like to get there about 20-30 minutes before it starts and sort of collect my thoughts, leave distractions at the door, and just write whatever I need to get out in the open with the Lord that I haven't taken the time to do already that day...or sometimes unfortunately, that week. Sadly, this was one of those weeks where I had more to write than I would have liked to admit. I specifically wrote down some things about my quiet times that I know He has been asking me to change and add-to that I haven't done, and that I needed Him to speak to me tonight in such a specific way that I wouldn't be able to ignore Him and that it would be different. Different in a way that I couldn't not change. Can't wait to change. And don't want to wait.

Well, boy did He speak. Yell. Wave His arms wildly and say, "yes, I am talking to YOU!" And it was the sweetest thing. I just felt like I was sitting in His lap and He was answering every question, concern, and hidden desire that I brought to the table. The most awesome part of it for me was the way He allowed me to speak to Him through song. The songs that were chosen for us to sing echoed exactly my prayer to Him in the journal that I had just written. The words that I wrote were the specific cry of my heart and I was able to then again offer them in song as a genuine and honest plea of where I was with the Lord and what I needed. Amazing. That someone listened to the Lord's plan for that service and what they needed to prepare to play, and He helped me to be honest enough before the service to be straight out with Him about where I was...and then the two connected and served as my vessel for worship straight from my heart to His.

Then Mr. Mike came up and spoke, and the Lord SHOWED UP. We have been breaking apart the Lord's Prayer as found in Luke 11:1-4.

“One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, ‘Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.’
He said to them, ‘When you pray, say:

‘Father,
Hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come.
Give us each day our daily bread.
Forgive us our sings,
For we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
And lead us not into temptation.’”

This week we were down to “Give us each day our daily bread”.
Give us: This phrase implies 2 things.
1—We don’t have it.
2—We can’t get it ourselves.
We must be dependant upon the Lord to give it to us, and humble enough to know that everything that we have is just that—given/a GIFT from God—and we can not take credit for any of it because we don’t deserve it. This is the way that we should live—in gratitude. GRATITUDE. Because nothing we have is because of how we’ve earned it, but because it was given to us by God to enjoy. Material things, yes…but our breath, every heartbeat, the weather, intangible things that we take for granted and forget about. All given to us to enjoy life.

Mr. Mike brought up a very cool point from Luke 17 and the story of the 10 healed of leprosy. As I’m sure you are familiar with the story, only 1 man came back to say thank you to Jesus…and Jesus tells him to go return home, and that his faith has made him whole. (KJV & ASV use the word “whole” …most others say “well”.) There is a difference between being healed, and being whole. The other 9 were healed. But this man left whole. Whole because he was full of gratitude for what he had been given.

In Exodus 16, we have the story about the Lord giving the people daily portions of manna that they needed, and how they received specific instructions to take what they needed for the day. But some of them saved enough for morning…just in case they weren’t provided for, they wanted to be prepared. (Is this not like us?!?!?! Saying one thing to the Lord and then hanging on to our worries like He won’t actually take care of them!! We are silly! Does He not see every sparrow that falls from the sky! How much more does He watch and take care of us, His prized possessions!) God promised to provide for His people, daily. DAILY. He said trust ME, I WILL provide for you. And they hoarded their manna anyway because they just weren’t sure it would be there tomorrow. And HELLO…their manna spoiled. Nasty, moldy, maggot-filled manna. MMMMMMMMMM. TASTY. (not.) Anybody seeing this connection yet?

You get what you need from the Lord daily. DAILY. And nothing less than what you need—He will never leave you short-handed. But also nothing more…because He knows you’ll let it spoil.

When you go to the super market, do you just buy bread? No. You don’t see people pushing around shopping carts just full of bread and nothing else. Why? Because we desire more. We have to have stuff to put ON the bread. Meat. Turkey. Ham. Cheese. Peanut Butter. Jelly. Honey. (Dang I’m hungry.) Because we aren’t satisfied with just bread, we buy other things…and if we’re not careful, those things start to own us, instead of us owning them. We work over-time to be able to pay for those things we think we “need” so that we can enjoy life. But the thing is, we don’t enjoy the gifts that we already have. In case you didn’t noticed, YOU WOKE UP TODAY. Gift #1. Are you still breathing? Heart beating? Need I say more?

Give us each day, our daily bread. God gives us what we need for today. Lord, give us what your heart desires of us. Help us to live in gratitude that we may be made WHOLE, and not just settle for being healed.

Jesus said, “I am the bread of life. Your forefathers ate the manna in the desert, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which a man may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.”
(John 6:48-51)

HE is your daily bread. Take. Eat. And be made WHOLE.

I Should Get An Award...

2007-10-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

...for the worst blogger this week!!! I can't believe I haven't sat down to catch ya'll up!! And unfortunately, this will not be the moment that I do that...I've still got to pack for yet another trip (one that includes a stop at my parents house and the church I grew up in!!) and take a shower in the worst way. You know when your skin practically grows arms and legs cause it wants to run away from you...I feel THAT kind of gross. I will catch you up on the retreat from last weekend soon, along with some really cool stuff I've learned in Bible study this week, and some more ranting and raving (in a good way) about how much I love being a nanny to this little boy. (OH MY GOODNESS!!!! *big cheesy smile*) Since I've been gone...the short version...I have bought more decorating things for my room--most of which were completely unnecessary, spent other money on deals that really weren't that great, consumed waaaaaay too much Starbucks (which will be stopping per my bank statement from this month...frown), cleaned my room, messed it up again, watched some of my favorite girly movies (The Wedding Planner, You've Got Mail...oh, and caught up on DCC episodes that I missed the last 2 weekends), failed to do laundry for yet another week, fell more in love with my Jesus as I heard a very special woman in my life sing at a worship service last Tuesday, and took a million and one videos on my phone of my little nannying buddy because he is just THAT cute. As soon as I get to the store to get batteries, and FIND my camera cord to upload photos I will bore you with an albums worth of that little guy. :)

And I'll leave you with this for now...a new fav of mine...there are so many things I could comment on...but I'll save my thought for now and let you make your own. It may be Sunday before I'm back again...and then hopefully I'll be back on schedule for a few weeks so I can catch up on all of your lives as well!!! Til then...

Colossians 3:1-17

"1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way."

SO GOOD. :)

Father of Lies

2007-10-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

What in the world, I have been so slack with blogging this week! I hate not "talking" to you girls! I have just been so tired since I got back from last weekend...it has taken me a few days to get up and running again. Retreats are great, but when leading them, most off the time you feel like you need a retreat after it's over! Here is a picture of Laura, Katie and I, my two best girls that I sang and taught Bible study with. LOVE THEM.

And I started me new job yesterday!!!!! Ok, I know that most of you reading have children, as I hope to one day, but I must say, my nannying child is THE CUTEST little boy I have EVER seen in my life. And that includes one of my best friends who has 3 children that I couldn't love more if they were my own. But this little one definitely takes the cake on that one. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I could just cry thinking about him because I miss him already!! I'll try to put up some pictures soon...once I get my act together and buy some batteries for my camera...

I'm leaving in the morning for another retreat that I got asked to help with last minute, and because my nanny-boss doesn't need me for a few days I graciously said yes! Another opportunity to pour out to young girls...I would be silly to pass that up!! So I will be gone for another few days, and not sure I'll have access to the internet til I get back. (Your prayers would be appreciated...I was just informed that I'll be teaching middle school this time. Nuff said.)

But for now, I wanted to share something that stuck out to me from one of our Bible study days last week. I mean, a lot of stuff sticks out to me, but because of my past struggles, this one in particular hit home.
For 10 years I struggled with self esteem issues. I am only 22, so as you can imagine this started at a pretty early age...around 12 (about the time middle school hit, DUH.) I won't get into all of the issues I had (I think I wrote about them back when I first started the blog if you're interested...in the first couple of entries) but long story short, the devil got a hold of my mind and very quickly began manipulating my every thought through his filter of false information and lies of darkness.
So much of this Bible study has helped me with the bondage that I was freed from. What I'm finding is that yes, I most definitely was delivered from all of that stuff January 1, 2007, (Praise the Lord! I don't ever want to forget that day!). But I'm still very much in a healing process from it. I let Satan have TOO MUCH and the Lord is slowly filling in the cracks...every time I get to share my story with a girl or group of girls (like last weekend), a little part of that past is redeemed (oh I could just cry right now) and made into something beautiful, and the Lord is doing the very same thing through this study. Every time something strikes at the core of how those days affected me, I stand a little taller and stronger, with another weapon and snippet of truth to replace all those lies I once believed. One of the scriptures on the last day of last week really stuck out to me.

(Just before this, Jesus is talking to 'the Jews who had believed Him' and said to them "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." v31-32 and that if they really were children of God like they proclaimed, then they would love Him [Jesus] instead of trying to kill Him.)
John 8:43-44 "Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murdered from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for his is a liar and the father of lies."

That in itself was awesome just to punch Satan in the face by being reminded and saying OUT LOUD that there is NO truth in him. That he IS a LIAR and the FATHER OF LIES. But the thing that got me good was the next verse.

v45 "Yet because I [Jesus] tell the truth, you do not believe me!"

Oh, how MESSED UP I was!!!!Because that was me!!! I remember days and days of reading the Bible knowing how God's love and those words applied to other people, but wondering where I fit in, because I was letting my heart and soul bow down to a crock and a phony. I was so turned around that exactly as this verse says, when I heard, saw, read, or spoke the truth of God I didn't believe it for myself. As (embarrassing is not the word...) but foolish as I felt when I realized that was me, HOW MUCH MORE glory I can give him now from bringing me out of such a dark world. There was a quote from one of Kelly's missionary friend's in china and it ended with this...

"...a healed relationship or person can reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness."

Not that God wants us to go through mess, but we do...and when He allows us to get so far that we realize He was the ONLY ONE who could have pulled us out, how much MORE glory He receives, which is the whole point of everything!! It makes me sick to my stomach to think about where I've been mentally and with the way I treated myself physical speaking, but every day I choose to proclaim freedom in Christ from all of that, and make it known that He is the KING of my heart, every bit of that pain and junk is redeemed in His name.

I'm sure you and I have had very different stories in the last few years, and I can't help but think how much beautiful and stronger our relationships with the Lord are because of the MESS He allowed us to endure. Most of my 10 year struggle was completely hidden and an internal battle...a secret world I wouldn't have dared shared with anyone then. They were some of the darkest days I can remember. And I can only imagine some of the things some of you have dealt with that some of us will never know. But what peace and joy we can have at the thought that because we experienced brokenness in different ways, and allowed God to be the one to do the restoring, we know TRUTH and the author of it in ways we would have never imagined (or probably asked for if we knew what it would take us through).

God is so good. SO GOOD. And I have never been more in love with Him than I am right now. Stephanie (Ocean Mommy) wrote about something on her blog the other day that I just loved. (Check it out if you have a sec) But she was talking about how she was glad that she didn't love her husband as much as she did the day she married him. She loves him so much more now. Isn't that the way we should be with the Lord?! Yes the love that we feel for Him when we initially come to know Him is like nothing we've ever experienced. But think if it stayed there. I wouldn't want to go back to the days of those 10 years if you paid me all the money in the world. But I also wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. My prince of peace and the author of my salvation saved my scrawny (well, no it's not so scrawny...hahaha) butt from the meanest enemy you and I will ever know, and delivered me into the greatest love relationship of my life.

And by-george I'll be danged if the devil ever gets a piece of my heart again.

Home Sweet Home

2007-10-16T12:35:00.000-05:00

Hey girls!! We had an AWESOME weekend on our retreat at Caswell in North Carolina. Awesome, but tiring...seen in the fact that I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping or being lazy!! So sorry I didn't catch you up before, but it would have looked at lot like "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" had I tried to write anything Sunday night or yesterday during the day. Even now, two days later, I am struggling to keep my eyes open! I have a very cool thing the Lord showed me from one of our Bible study days this past week, but I'll catch you up on the weekend and then write about that next.

Daniel and I left early Friday morning to board our flight to Raleigh. I was so excited cause we got 2 packs of peanuts!! (It's the little things...)We were a little bummed on the way when we heard that our numbers were not the usual 700-800 (which is typical for our fall retreats) but instead we were resting somewhere below the 300 mark. But we just trusted that those were the exact students and adults that needed to be there, and that the Lord didn't have any less of a plan of showing up than He did before. One of these days we'll learn not to put Him in a box, and in the mean time, He'll keep blowing our socks off!!

The theme of these retreats that we do is "Reach Up" from Acts 17:27 ("God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.") The whole thing is focused around empowering teenagers and helping them to realize the POWER that they have in Christ when they reach up to HIM to find what they need, instead of reaching to the things of the world to be satisfied. There is also an element of 'sharing Jesus without fear' where we continue to teach them ways to talk to their friends about Christ as they live them out themselves.

(PAUSE......Ok sorry my roommate made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing...WHAT?!?!?! :) and I NEEDED one)

I had the great privilege of teaching the high school girls bible study with two of my very best friends, Laura and Katie. (Laura is my roommate here in Nashville, and all 3 of us worked together at Caswell summer '06. Laura and I worked together 3 years, and Katie and I for 2 years.) We had about 50 girls all together and it was just SO great. At the end of the Saturday morning session, we had them all write out questions they had about life--left it completely open to WHATEVER topic or issue they wanted to ask about. We have found over the summers that their youth group and leaders back home are sadly NOT the people they feel comfortable to go to to ask questions and so they just walk around aimlessly with all these unanswered thoughts about what's ok and what's not...and then look to the wrong things for validation. So we just threw out the last bible study session and just had a question-answer time where we answered what they asked about and gave them a chance to just be REAL and DEAL with stuff. We didn't want to just 'church-it-up' and make things watered down because unfortunately they get enough of that at home. We just flat out told them like it was on a lot of issues they had questions about, and made sure that they knew it was not us yelling or lecturing at them, but that it was from the most humble place because we have BEEN THERE and don't want them to have to go through junk like we have if possible. We also told them we wanted to be that real because chances are if they had the courage to honestly ask about it, then they are probably struggling with it. You could tell by the look on their faces that a lot of them were asking with a hopeful conscious that we were about to give them some justification about their past and tell them certain screw-ups were ok because we had done them too. NOT HAPPENING! I was blown away by the amount of girls in that room who at such a young age had either 'gone to far' with their boyfriends, had experimented with cutting, eating and self-esteem issues, had horrible family situations, and the list goes on.

At the end we ran out of time and sort of briefly explained what each of our testimonies were and told them if there was anyone that needed to stay after to ask us questions about more specific things that we would most definitely stay. All three of us had about 7-8 girls stay after to talk, so we sort of had a mini-bible study in 3 different corners of the room and each got to be even more personal to certain situations and hearts that needed more attention with these issues. That was such a blessing to be able to pour into these girls at this stage in their life, hoping we could save them some heartache by the time they are our age.

The other parts of the retreat were pretty awesome as well. Laura, Katie and I, along with 5 others made up the worship band, and then we also had a speaker--Tony Nolan--and if you've never heard him, you should...he's fabulous. He is funny, wise, real, and personal...and he wears really cool artsy shirts. :)

I LOVE Caswell. LOVE IT. It has been my home away from home for over 22 years now. My dad is the youth minister at the church where I grew up (he has been there for about 18 years now) so my brother and I always got to go on trips with the youth group...and to summer camp every year. There has not been a summer of my life that I haven't spent at least a portion of it at Caswell. And when the summer comes that I don't step foot through those gates, it will probably be a little hard to comprehend. For 22 years (including the summer I was in my mothers womb) Caswell has been a place of peace, restoration, joy, love, refuge, and some very monumental memories that have marked me for life. It was the place that the Lord let me know it was ok to follow my dreams, and showed me the beginning of my plan to move to TN. Back in the day (before technology started coming out of our eyeballs) they used to have this HUGE black speaker box in Hatch (the building where we have worship services) right above the stage in the middle of everything. In my early years, I could have bet my life that God lived in that box. (Maybe that's why I try to keep Him in it?!) I just knew Caswell had to be His favorite place on earth...all those kids who came to know Him by the hundreds and thousands every summer...and the genuine worship I experienced there was like no other. My body lived in Lenoir, but my heart stayed on that island inside those gates, waiting for me to come back every summer and meet back up with it. It just refused to leave.

This weekend WAS wonderful, but I'll tell you what, there was nothing like flying into Nashville at night and seeing the lights over the city. Absolutely beautiful. When we were in the van about to leave camp, I looked at Laura and said, "I'm ready to go home." And she said, "Yeah, me too."
When I came to visit Nashville for the first time last April to apartment hunt, I called Laura about 30 minutes into my trip and said, "The weirdest thing just happened. I just left my house, but I feel like I'm driving home." It was a very scary thing, but so exciting at the same time...and peaceful. To KNOW that God has appointed me to live here in exactly this time and place...and now not even my favorite place in the world could keep me from coming back here. God's way is always the best, and His blessings are just out of this world. Thank y'all for helping me to love Him more...

More on the Bible study thing later...

Late-Night Story Time

2007-10-12T00:55:00.000-05:00

So it's late, and I need to sleep because I'm getting on a plane for NC in 8 hours (that would include sleeping and the airport madness somewhere in there) but I wanted to at least share one story from last week before I leave blog-world for a few days(*tear*). After having a couple of rough days (if you are lost...see previous posts from last week) the Lord so blessed me with a multitude of different things, but one day in particular that I wanted to tell you about. As I sit here typing I am still just amazed at the way He has completely changed my life in just a week. I will not tell everything because I do need to rest (I am RUN DOWN from keeping quite a rambunctious 4 year old for the past 4 days as a temp. job) but this is too good to pass up on the up-coming 3-day hiatus from my computer.

So last week, let's just be honest, I was STRUGGLING with some things. The waiting. The confusion. The doubt. The worry. Etc. And just about the time I was ready to make some hasty decisions for myself because I was afraid there would be a lack of provision if I didn't have plans for everything...and CONTROL of everything. (Like the Lord has ever given me a reason to doubt whether or not He would show up. Ha.) So I'm on the brink of just "settling" for a family because I desperately needed an income, and just some other decisions that I was ready to jump the gun on (but that was the main one)...and then the Lord straight up rocked my world with one of the lessons from our Bible study ("No Other Gods"). The reading for this particular day was from Exodus 24:12-18. I'll just type it for you because my paraphrasing abilities end around midnight. So this is when Moses is about to go up on the mountain with the Lord where He will receive the 10 commandments, etc...and he is about to leave.

"The Lord said to Moses, "Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you the tablets of stone, with the law and commands I have written for their instruction."
Then Moses set out with Joshua his aide, and Moses went up on the mountain of God. He said to the elders, "Wait here for us until we come back to you. Aaron and Hur are with you, and anyone involved in a dispute can go to them."
When Moses went up on the mountain, the cloud covered it, and the glory of the Lord settled on Mount Sinai. For six days the cloud covered the mountain, and on the seventh day the Lord called to Moses from within the cloud. To the Israelites the glory of the Lord looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain. Then Moses entered the cloud as he went on up the mountain. And he stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights."

If you fast forward to chapter 32, you see that the people get ancy waiting on Moses to come back that they ask Aaron to "Come, make us gods" (v1) because they don't know what is up with Moses and are afraid they have been abandoned, and so feel the need to make other gods rather than wait on Moses and his God. When the Lord see this, he says to Moses in verse 7 "They have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them..." There is more to that verse, but when I read that, my entire day changed. You know when you watch cartoons and a character realizes something and they do the light bulb free-frame for a second so you know they got it. Yep. One of those moments. 40 days was an eternity for these people to wait. They thought he was taking FOREVER on that mountain, and because they hadn't heard from him they decided to take matters into their own hands. But when you read the Lord's reaction? 40 days is NOTHING to Him!!! Obviously He knows that we operate on time because we are human, but in the large scheme of things, even our entire life existence in comparison with eternity is nothing. So how much less is 40 days in the eyes of the one who holds the master plan.

So Moses went on up to the mountain for 40 days and 40 nights. The people waited for 40 days and 40 nights. They don't know what has happened to Moses. They got anxious and turned away. God saw this and said they were QUICK to turn away. The Lord calls Abby to move to Nashville. (This part not in the Bible ;) ..) Abby moves to Nashville. Abby starts to struggle. To doubt. To wonder where the Lord's voice is; what she is supposed to do with her life; how she is going to pay the bills; why is she not getting answers. She decides to take matters into her own hands and try to "make plans" herself since she's not getting the help she thinks she needs. Then she does this Bible study. And she has a thought. "Hmm...these people waited for 40 days, to God 40 days was nothing...I wonder how long I've been in Nashville?"

Y'ALL. I am crying again just thinking about it. 40 DAYS. 40 DAYS. THE DAY I started struggling so bad, I had been in Nashville for 40 DAYS. I can't even tell you the humility and joy and peace and embarrassment and laughter and gracious heart that came over me all at once that morning. You never want to admit when you feel like God has left you, because you KNOW that He hasn't. But you don't always feel that He hasn't. (Thank goodness our relationship with Him can be based on what we KNOW about Him and not how we FEEL...I am so emotional sometimes I would have broken up and gotten back together with Him 12 times in one day. Anybody else there sometimes?) But if I'm being honest, that week was one of those times where I FELT like I had been left. Like He was withholding information about my life from me. Like He had brought me here to this new life and then forgotten about me. (Oh, the vain imaginations I can come up with!!) And that day He gave me the biggest hug I've ever felt from Him. I praised Him for His silence. I praised Him for the not-knowing. I praised Him for the chance to rely on Him more instead of my silly plans for how to map out my days in order to pay the bills. He just held me and said, just WAIT. Just a little longer. I'm here. I KNOW. And I've got a plan.

One of the larger parts of my struggling came with needing a job. Y'all I interviewed with 4 families for full-time nanny positions in the last few weeks. All of them great families. None of them are currently paying me a salary. Every time I left a house I just had this thought of "No I need to wait". I didn't know why, but I just didn't feel at peace with any of them. Never once did I stop and think that maybe it was the Lord saying wait because He had something better. I just chalked it up to it not being "meant to be". Well this past Tuesday I got my answer. Monday was my deadline to get back to my boss about this last family, and had I taken it, I would have made double what I needed every month, and had plenty to save for some things in the future. But again, it didn't seem right. Then Tuesday night I met with a woman who I have been in the process of talking to about a nanny job. I realize this doesn't sound any more exciting than the other 4 families I just mentioned, but just trust me on this. This is a woman that I met at the worship service that I go to on Tuesdays, and about 4 weeks ago, the Lord totally directed out conversation in a matter of minutes to her knowing that I was looking for a nanny job, and me knowing that she was looking for a nanny. In fact neither one of us told each other until this week, but in that moment we both had that stir in our hearts that just said "this is a God thing". I think the reminder of that in the back of my mind was why I haven't been able to commit to any other family, because something just told me this other possibility needed to be a priority in keeping my schedule open.

So Tuesday I made it official with this woman and her husband, and I will begin working for her this next week. It is my dream nanny job. NO JOKE. I wish I could describe in detail for you what it is I will be doing, because I know all of this sounds kind of vague and there isn't a way for me a this point to tell you exactly why this job is so distinct for me and different from the others. Because of the person I am working for, I feel like I don't need to go parading that information around, and in the next bit I will be praying about how to share why this excites me so much...but I just don't want to ever sound "braggy" about it or mention this family or their child just for the sake of saying "I work for ____". But let me just say I have NEVER been more excited about a job, or more honored that my Jesus would let me have it...and that this had been in his plan all along.

I'm still in a whirlwind of emotions--all of them amazing--and just completely humbled at how the Lord has SHOWED OFF for me in the last few days. As if He even needed to...but He has done it anyway, and I am on-my-face-grateful for it. He has provided my rent for 2 months now without a full time job, and just so gone out of His way to tell me that He loves me and knows my heart. I feel like I'm totally rambling and I hope some of this made sense. But just know that your prayers were answered, my prayers were answered, the Lord is blowing me away with his provision, and showing me sides of His character I've never seen before--and they are all beautiful.

If 40 days in the wilderness will bring me this kind of joy and adoration for my Jesus, He can send me there anytime. Love you...and see you back here Sunday.

Random Fours

2007-10-10T22:22:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Ladies, I have had THE MOST AMAZING last few days, and when I can get coherent thoughts together I can't wait to tell you how the Lord has showed off for me concerning the worries and silly (but real) struggles that I was having recently. Y'all, He is so good. SO GOOD.
But for now, I've been tagged by both Jackie and Patty to do this meme, so here it goes!! :)

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Housekeeper at Summer Camp
2. Singer/Keyboards/Bible Study Leader at Summer Camp
3. Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (and yes, it was as good as it sounds)
4. Nanny :)

Four movies I can watch over and over and over:
1. You’ve Got Mail
2. The Parent Trap (newer version…but I think the mom in the old version is the definition of beautiful!! So pretty!!)
3. The Preacher’s Wife
4. While You Were Sleeping
(I have another one…The Devil Wears Prada…I am strangely obsessed with this movie.)

Four tv shows I like to watch:
1. F*R*I*E*N*D*S (yes, I DO own all 10 seasons )
2. Grey’s Anatomy
3. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (why did I have to start watching this?!?! TOTALLY addicted)
4. Everybody Loves Raymond

Four places I have vacationed:
1. Virgin Islands (St. Johns)
2. Grand Canyon
3. New York
4. Outer Banks

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pineapple Casserole (my moms is THE BEST)
2. Chicken Casserole (hello, I’m from the south, and I grew up in a Baptist church…of course the casseroles would dominate this list) …oooo fried chicken too
3. Stir-fry (sp?)
4. Salmon anything

Four websites i visit daily:
1. My blog
2. Facebook
3. Hotmail (email)
4. Friend’s Blogs

Four places i would rather be:
1. Reynosa Mexico (at an orphanage we went to on a mission trip)
2. In my best friend’s kitchen, sitting on her bar stool...just talking and telling her how great she is :)
3. Africa
4. I don’t know...I don’t want to leave Nashville!!!

Who am I tagging?! Anyone who has time and wants to invite us to some random facts about their life! Let me know if you do it so I can come visit and see!! :)
I love all of my siesta sisters, aunts, and moms! Y'all are the greatest!

My first real heartbreak. Brace yourself.

2007-10-08T21:58:00.000-05:00

[I have some awesome things to say about the weekend...later.]

I was having a pleasant Sunday afternoon walking the mall...notice I said WALKING, not so much SHOPPING...you have to have money to do that. Needless to say, invisible jobs don't pay well. So now let me back up.

Contrary to our air-conditioner's thinking, it is not the middle of winter. But you would think so by the way it insist on blowing out HEAT during these lovely October sweat-fests. The air is set on COOL, somewhere in the upper 60s, yet we get HEAT blown through our vents. The simple solution would seem to be just to cut it OFF. You would think. But the dern blasted thing won't cut off. IT WON'T CUT OFF. We are stewing in our own filth. (Which has the potential to make my friend Katherine gag if she ever reads this because she can't even stand the thought of taking baths and sitting in the dirty water.)
So after church I opted not to take a trip to the burning nunnery (we live on convent ave...it's ok, laugh it up ;) we've decided just to own the hilarity of that) and to spend it in the air conditioning some place where I would have plenty to look at and a place to sit and read for a while. So I happened upon the Mall at Green Hills which conveniently has both. :) My afternoon was full of looking at lovely dress pants and jeans 3 times as expensive as the ones I had on, shirts that wouldn't cover my BIG TOE, and way cute cards at the Papyrus store I have recently fallen in love with. Cutest cards ever. I refrained. And my wallet thanked me. (Until I went to Starbucks of course...I would hope that would just be an understood given though.) Life was good and cool...I was killing time...(ran into 2 of my 3 roommates who were undoubtedly avoiding the same thing I was)...my feet hurt, but I didn't care (I had Starbucks to walk off)...

And then IT happened.

I went to Panera. (Again, choosing to stay out of the house for dinner prolonged another work-out sized sweat job just to pour a bowl of cereal.)
I walked up to the counter.
I asked for a cinnamon crunch bagel. And the unthinkable came out of that sweet girl's mouth.
"I'm sorry we're out".
Politely I tilted my head toward her and said "Hmmm?" (I could not have heard her right.)

"We're out...of cinnamon crunch bagels."

Restrain yourself Abby. It is not her fault. Was the Lord telling me not to eat a bagel? Save my hips the trouble? Surely not.
But this was the day I learned trying to substitute a phony for the real thing is never a good idea. The Lord can not be replaced, and neither can cinnamon crunch bagels.
Mocha-chip is just NOT the same.

I'll take an Isaac please

2007-10-06T01:58:00.000-05:00

"Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar so she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her."
Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.
When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me."
"Your servant is in your hands," Abram said. "Do with her whatever you think best." Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.
The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?"
"I'm running away from my mistress Sarai," she answered.
The the angel of the LORD told her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to her." The angel added, "I will so increase your descendants that they will be too numerous to count."
The angel of the LORD also said to her:
"You are now with child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael [which means "God hears"], for the LORD as heard of your misery. He will be a wild donkey of a man' his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers."
She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [which means "well of the Living One who sees me"]; it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered.
So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael." (Genesis 16:1-15)

This was part of the scripture reading for my Bible Study today in talking about idols. At first I was having a hard time figuring out how it was going to relate. And then I got me a word from Miss Kelly Minter. Ever get one of those NOW kinda words that you just KNOW is for you. If it's ok, I think I'll just add in what she had to say about this instead of trying to re-word it all myself.

-->After the hundreds of times I've read this passage, never in my life have I considered Hagar an idol of Sarah's. Until tonight. Until I read the simple phrase, "perhaps I can build a family through her" (v2). In those days it might as well have read, "Perhaps I can build a life through her." [During this time the ability to bear children was essential and viewed as a "need". If you weren't married and couldn't have children, you were basically seen as worthless in society. Your identity was through your family.]
In a way, this is staggering to me. Sarah was looking to an Egyptian slave girl to save her life. She was depending on someone she ended up hating. Just a passing thought--isn't it interesting that our false gods can even be things we hate?
Sarah's dependence on Hagar leads me to ask the obvious question: Other than God, who or what am I trying to build my life through?<--

(...This took me through some major thinking today...and the identification of a few other idols that need to be unveiled.)

Then we read Genesis 21:1-3...
"Now the LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said and the LORD did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him."
(it was supposed to be v.1-6 but I think we get the point without discussing the circumcised word. ;) does that give anybody else the hebejeebes?)

(Back to Kelly)
-->Here we get the end of the story--God's way. We saw what happened when Sarah tried to build her family through Hagar her own way. It was disastrous. Everyone was hurt in the process, not just Sarah. But here in Gen 21 we see the fulfillment of God's plan. and this was going to happen with or without Hagar; with or without Ishmael; with or without Sarah's manipulation; with or without Abram's passiveness. But how nice if the story had simply been Isaac, without all the baggage.<--

When will we (I) ever learn? It seems like more often than not I forget that I can't do things on my own. I mean, sure I can try, and there is the illusion of things going right, but typically speaking, it ends up in a disaster. God's will, WILL be done. So why on earth do we add in the extra heartache by trying to do it our way first?
I'm sorry I keep talking about the same things...it just happens to be where I am right now, so I hope it's not boring you to death. Your comments yesterday blessed me so...I just can't even tell you. (Although some of you need to get in the bed a little earlier--I worry about you up commenting at 3:00am!! Your sleep schedule sounds like mine!) Coupled with your prayers and mine, and a lot of good words that were brought my way, my heart feels a little more at ease tonight than it did last night. I was waiting. I'm still waiting. And I've been given a good reminder of why. His way is always better. It may not make sense at the time...or even until you're at the end and can look back to see how the process itself was a blessing because of where you are now with Him verses where you began. But a blessing it will be, if we wait on Him. (I know these things...but sometimes I need to say them "out loud"..which translates to "typing" in this case.)

I am praying for each one of us that the Lord would help us keep to the "Isaacs" of our lives--and that we wouldn't be lured into trying to create our own "Ishmaels".

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~Ps. 27:14

"If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful
for he cannot disown himself."
~2 Tim. 2:11-13

His character can not be compromised, and He will never fail. Love y'all. Mean it.

ps...please don't name your children Hagar.

Warning: Complete Rambling of Thoughts Ahead

2007-10-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

So I’m in a new season of life. A new one that involves me not knowing a lot of things, which normally would completely freak me out because I like to know the order of things—I’m a detail person if there’s ever been one—but now there’s no way of knowing. And for the first time it’s ok that I don’t know.
For those who maybe don’t know, I just graduated from Carolina (that’s North Carolina—go tarheels!) with my degree in Elementary Education, and a scholarship/loan that binds me to teaching in the state of North Carolina for 4 years as a way to pay back the amount of $26,000 that was granted upon my entrance into the Teaching Fellows Program. All of this is great, except that about a year and a half ago my heart started breaking…and not for the students in my class. Don’t get me wrong—I LOVE CHILDREN. (Otherwise I wouldn’t be working as nanny now! And just for the record, I want about 100 of them myself one day when that time comes.) But as I got further into my major, I realized that teaching was not a passion of mine. Sure I could do it, and I was sort of naturally good at it which made it harder to conceptualize that what I had just spent the last 3 years working towards, was not only something I didn’t want to do, or something I really felt called to do, but I also wasn’t reaching my full potential doing it. So what began as an 18 year old happy to accept a scholarship covering 1/2 of her tuition for college, had now turned into a 21 year old scared to death because she knew she not only had to tell her parents that in a few short years after graduation we might owe the state $26,000, but for the first time she was going to have to not only say she was trusting God with her life, but also DO IT.

So a year and a half later, here I sit. Graduated. Not in North Carolina, but in Tennessee. Nashville, TN. With a degree I don't feel called to use right now. And to be honest, scared out of my mind. Maybe scared isn’t the right word…but whatever the opposite of confident is. That’s what I am. Well, that’s what I’m feeling at the moment anyways.
Back in May, I went to a Beth Moore conference in Boone, NC and the Lord made it SO VERY CLEAR that I was headed the right place, and that this town was exactly where He wanted me for right now. And I had never felt more at peace without a plan. I still do because He has daily reminders and confirmations that I am in the place He has called me to. This is a season of growth and a clinic in trusting Him. But let me just be honest. It’s hard. And at times a bit lonely. I do have 3 roommates, but they are all in school—and we all remember how busy college is—the season of never-ending assignments and papers due at the most inopportune times. So sometimes I feel like I live in this huge house (that was a total God-send to us because the rent is unreal just one house in either direction, and for the size of this place, ours makes no sense…except to say GOD DID IT) alone because as of right now, almost 2 months after moving, I’m STILL job-searching. I am employed by the Nannies of Green Hills, but I’m still interviewing with families to find the one that’s right for me. I really feel like this could be a great opportunity to pour into a family and really make a difference in some kids’ lives, and so I don’t want to just take the first job that offers the most money. In the meantime, the Lord has totally provided with random temp. jobs and belated graduation money that showed up out of nowhere (today actually! PTL!)…but it just works on your heart to feel like you’re not moving forward.

Uh…sorry I feel like I’m rambling, I guess I have just needed to be honest and get out some things that I don’t feel like I can share with many people here. It’s hard to feel like you’re not moving forward, even if you are in the destination you’re supposed to be. My roommate gave me a piece of paper with a scripture on it the first week I moved here, and today I pulled it off the wall beside my bed to look at it again. This is what it said:

“But those who live to please the SPIRIT will harvest EVERLASTING LIFE from the spirit. So don’t get tired of doing what is good.. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for He WILL REAP A HARVEST of BLESSING at the APPROPRIATE TIME.” ~Galatians 6:8-9

I couldn’t help but think of this today as I was pretending to be pitiful watching Grey’s Anatomy on my bed. (ps…tv in my bedroom was probably the worst idea I ever had…between that, my computer, my books, and my ipod I could potentially never leave this room…much less the house) This scripture was a timely reminder for me today. DON’T GET DISCOURAGED AND GIVE UP, for HE WILL REAP A HARVEST OF BLESSING. I know the Lord is going to open doors and pave the way and show me exactly where and what to do. The part I always forget to cling to is the Last phrase… “He will reap a harvest AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME.” Appropriate time. Not when I think a “God-blessing” would fit well into my day, not the day that I’m feeling the worst or least confident, and not at all because of anything I will miraculously do to deserve it. In the mean time I’ve got to learn how to be better in the small things. Faithful in the valley…confident in my Jesus because He is worth me believing Him. He has never broken a promise to me, and I know He’s not going to start.
I am most definitely in a period of WAITING. And even now as I sit here typing, I’m reminded of the NIV version of the Psalm I just put up a few days ago…”I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. WAIT for the Lord; be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord.” (v 13-14)

Other places that I’ve received a timely blessing today…
“So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward. For you need endurance in order to do God’s will and so receive what is promised…we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” ~Hebrews 10:35-36; 39

“But you, keep your head…endure hardship, do the work…discharge all the duties of your ministry.” ~2 Timothy 4:5

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” ~2 Peter 1:3

I know the passions that the Lord has placed on my heart to use for Him. I know them and I love them, and I am so excited for Him to continue to mold my passions to match His heart. But in a town like this where everybody is good at their gifts and talents (and I mean GOOD), is it hard to be sure of your own. But I know what the Lord has given me is to be used for Him, and when I get up from here I am pledging to stop being silly and trust His timing for the development of those things in me. One of my dearest friends sent me a card in the mail today (again, I don’t think a coincidence with all I’m thinking through tonight) with this quote on the front..

“To find your talents and nurture them, to imagine your dreams and live them, these are among life’s most precious gifts…Always remember that you are unique in your talents and abilities—so never be shy about the gifts you bring to a welcoming world.”

I’ve always been scared to be confident about the things I’m good at—worried that others will see it as cocky or showing off or something. But in a recent conversation with a friend of mine we concluded that if we are being HUMBLE and OBEDIENT to that which Christ has called us to, and we don’t use what we’ve been given to our fullest potential, we are selling ourselves and God short. He GAVE you your gifts and me mine, and by shying away from the very things we were meant to bless others with is with-holding that blessing that was meant to be given, and the joy of serving Christ that is meant to be ours.

I was again blessed by a portion of the Nashville commissioning that I needed to speak over myself (and I’m praying over each one of you as well)…so I’ll leave you with that. Sorry for writing so much…guess I needed an outlet more than I realized…and thanks to anyone who made it this far and is still “listening”. I love y’all…I really do.

“…No matter what awaits you
Or who doesn't believe you
You are at a crossroad
Don't miss God for the world!
Move past your offense
Forsake every stronghold
And go with God.
You are dearly loved
Completely forgiven
Deeply called
And thoroughly equipped
When you study God's Word!...”

Stay with God

2007-10-03T13:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there's just no need to add your own two cents...

"...with Him on my side I'm fearless,
afraid of no one and nothing...

...I'm asking God for one thing,
only one thing;
To live with Him in his house
my whole life long.
I'll contemplate His beauty;
I'll study at His feet.
That's the only quiet, secure place in a noisy world,
The perfect getaway,
far from the buzz of traffic.

God holds me head and shoulders
above all who try to pull me down.
I'm headed for His place to offer anthems
that will raise the roof!
Already I'm singing God-songs;
I'm making music to God...

...Point me down your highway, God;
direct me along a well-lighted street;
show my enemies whose side you're on...

...I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with GOD."
from Psalm 27, The Message

You precious gals have a great day.
...contemplate His beauty...study at His feet...take a few minutes and "get away" with God...let's stay with HIM today. :)

The Love of My Life

2007-10-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

(And no it's not my Boaz!!! yet...)

I am SO excited right now!!!! Why?!?! Because as of 6 minutes ago (my time) (maybe longer once I actually get this posted...and don't look at the post time cause it's messed up) and an hour and 6 minutes ago (her time...she's in North Carolina) it officially became October 2nd!!!!!!! My BEST FRIEND in the whole world's BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Y'all...THIS WOMAN...you just have NO IDEA. What a thing the Lord did when He brought us together. If I have an ounce of the Jesus that she does when I die I'll be doing alright. She is the spitting image of an angel, and everything a Godly woman should be.
You may recognize her as the other girl from my profile picture.)May I present to you....

Kathy Jean Cottrell Johnson :)

From my heart to yours: Top 25 reasons why I Love You

1) You were my elementary school music teacher...duh, that's just awesome. :D
2) You taught me how to forgive...and then lived it out yourself.
3) We laugh about things no one else would even care about.
4) Prayer partners, and our "I love you a million..."s
5) Your first ever lunch order at Davenport...over 5 years ago: Subway. Tuna on whole wheat. Plain. Water to drink. Baked Lays. (I still have your stationary paper that you wrote it on.)
6) Talking in the car for hours.
7) When you ask me how I am, I know you really want to know the answer.
8) You are SO stinkin' talented on the piano. SO STINKIN TALENTED.
9) And there might not be a piano-playing Travis Cottrell were it not for your crazy-awesome lesson-teaching skills. Such a sweet big (but younger) sister you are...[I mean, the Lord MIGHT have worked something out for the miracle boy had you not been there...maybe.] ;)
10) You're allergic to dairy, and you ate a cheese pizza last week anyway ;) (even though it made you sick.) ...that's a girl with priorities :D
11) Your heart is THE most precious thing I've ever experienced, and I will commit a homicide on the next person who messes with it. [Or just throw rocks at them];)
12) Your nickname and favorite color are the same word.
13) You taught me how to eat barley powder...and LIKE IT.
14) You always know exactly what scripture to text me, and when.
15) You like to drive the car crazy when we ride together.
16) Late-night emails that make me laugh so hard I'd wake the neighbors.
17) You are twice my age [we'll keep that between us], twice as beautiful, and you make me want to love the Lord twice as hard.
18) We don't even have to explain...we just KNOW.
19) CHOCOLATE...as much as we eat, it just needs it's own number.
20) You have played/sung at a BREATHING man's funeral.
21) You have a tooth-man...and I love him ;)
22) Kathy J. Beth M. Abby H.
23) You've seen my heart at it's ugliest and you love it anyway.
24) WULL..... (oh, what does Webster know anyway)
25) You are my Jesus with skin on.

Happy Birthday Orange!! I love you a million jumps in the parking lot of Wild Oats...

Naomi

2007-09-30T01:10:00.000-05:00

So I just finished reading through the book of Ruth (mmm good stuff..wondering where my Boaz is...*winkwink*) :) One thing that stuck out to me was Naomi's character at the onset of tragedy. Towards the end of chapter one, she returns from Moab to Bethlehem with her daughter-in-law Ruth, having lost her husband, and both sons to death. Now don't get me wrong, this is PAIN, this is LOSS, this is TRAGEDY at it's best. But her reaction to people when they returned was what caught my attention.
In verse 20 of chapter one she exclaims, "Don't call me Naomi...call me Mara [which means bitter] because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empy. Whey call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."

How many times has that been me? Hard times hit, and I start pointing fingers...up. How in the world, after all He's brought me through, could He be both the One I PRAISE when life is good, and BLAME when it's not. I know that God is LOVE, and TRUTH, and GOODNESS, and every amazing thing that has even thought about happening to me has come from Him. So why would I for a second, thing He would in any way want to hurt me or cause me pain? I wouldn't...except that's exactly how I act when things don't go my way--Bitter because He didn't bless my disobedience. Angry because life took something or someone away from me that really mattered. Accusing Him of deserting me, when actually, He's the only one that's still fully there. Dang it. I AM Naomi.

I sing, but don't claim to be much of a songwriter (I'm working on it) but I just wanted to share something I wrote in response to this part of the book of Ruth. If I ever get around to recording things (which is in the near future plan...and if I do, I'll post it so you can hear!) then maybe a melody will come out of it..but for now it's just my thoughts...[for you music people, the starred (sp?) part would be the repeated chorus]

Naomi

Blessed with a family
Then struck by tragedy
She started on her way back home

Widowed, and in mourning
She left to find provision
But the damage had been done
Naomi

*Are we like she
Bitter and empty
Blaming the Lord
Cause we wanted more
If we could open our eyes
And see the prize
Is the One who sustains
Through the joy and the pain
Maybe we could breathe
Exchange our disbelief
For peace

“Don’t call me by my name
For the Lord has turned away
Misfortune has consumed me”

Her wounds will remain
Unhealed just the same
Until access to her heart He attains
Naomi

False and Functional gods

2007-09-27T13:50:00.001-05:00

So, last post I mentioned that my roommate and I are in a Bible Study with 3 other amazing girls (well maybe I didn't say they were amazing before, but they ARE). We are in our first week of "NO OTHER GODS: confronting our modern-day idols" (by Kelly Minter), and I just wanted to share something that was from one of the first days. Obviously we all "know" what an idol is. But this definition threw me flat-faced at the thought of those things I know have taken priority where they shouldn't.

"Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people...In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set out heart on (Luke 12:29; 11 Cor. 10:9), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4:5), that masters and rules us (Ps. 119:133; Eph 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isa. 42:17; Matt 6:24; Luke 12:4-5)...An idol can also be referred to as a "false god" or a functional god."
{Ken Sande}

Just soak all of those different idol possibilities in for a minute. Wow...I've got some things to add to my list. I wish I could say that everything I do is from 'pure' motivation, but let's face it, we are human and selfish and that is NOT always the case. Often we have things that we know are idols in our life--our 'professed' gods, if you will. But then we have 'functional' gods that actually operate as our gods. Those are sometimes the ones that sneak in on us because they are more subtle, but we are nonetheless serving them. For instance, I wouldn't automatically think of "fear" as an idol, until I consider that if it is what motivates my decision or action in a certain circumstance, then I am serving that FEAR as a (functional) god. The tricky thing about idols (especially those less noticed or realized) is that they are often inherently good and right, but they have become detrimental simply because we desire them TOO much.

I have spent some time meditating on what motivates me and takes up more of my heart and mind than should be, and it has been pretty eye-opening. Scary at first, but then beautiful as you realize what an even greater need you have for the Lord to work in you--more than you knew before. Again my thoughts were taken back to Gen. 35:4 (see previous post) where we are reminded to BURY our false gods...not ignore or suppress them (which we often see as burial, but we are really just kidding ourselves--pretending to deal with things)...but call up the funeral home and make it a done deal. Good news: you don't even have to waste time buying flowers. ;)

Digging Graves; and the Owner of the House

2007-09-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

There are some amazing churches in Nashville. AMAZING. Which is why it will take me the better part of my life to choose one to call my home. (A great problem to have.) While my search continues around the area every week, there is one church that has already become a treasure. It is literally 5 doors up from my house so we can walk--which by the way, I'm totally counting as my "exercise" for the weekend. It is a church called The Village Chapel, and they have services in the morning, and also one at 6. Normally I church hop week to week on Sunday mornings to catch all the different styles and speakers, but I have gotten in the habit of going to VC every Sunday night...a bit of consistency that has calmed my heart in this search for the right place for me and Jesus.

The VC reads/studies straight through books of the Bible, and right now we are on Genesis. We are up to chapter 35 now, studying the life of Jacob. Two things stuck out from this weeks message that I wanted to share. So basically in this chapter, God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and build an altar to the Lord because this is the place where the Lord appeared to Jacob when he was fleeing from his brother. Before leaving, Jacob had his household and those with him 1)get rid of the foreign gods they had 2)purify themselves and 3)change their clothes and explained the reason for this journey to Bethel (35:1-3). The preacher paused on verse 4 for just a second, but the Lord knew I needed a WORD from that verse, because it caught the eyes of my heart long before he stopped reading. "So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem."(v4)

Did y'all see that? He BURIED their foreign gods. Not hid them under a blanket to be picked back up later....but buried them. As in, dead. 6-feet under.
I don't find it a coincidence that My roommate and I just started a Bible study with 3 other girls led by Kelly Minter, the author of the book we are doing called "NO OTHER GODS: confronting our modern-day idols" (and I'm sure I'll have lots of post to share from this book as we get started). We are called to BURY our idols. To get rid of them for good. We serve a God who is entirely deserving of our undivided attention and unashamed love. What is it that you spend more time thinking about, more time invested in, more time loving after than your precious time with the Lord. I KNOW what mine are. And by-george it hurts to even think about them and how they've taken place of things that they shouldn't. And if I'm being honest, it's hard to think about burying some of those things because when something takes a position in your heart that it shouldn't, you obviously get attached. I think that's why that word BURY is so important. Don't just stick it in a drawer, minimize it on your computer, or put it on the to-do list tomorrow when you'll have more time to afford to put it a little lower on the priority list. Just straight up bury it, and don't look back.

The next zinger for me came in verse 7. I'll write 6 too so you get the whole setting. "Jacob and all the people with him came to Luz (that is, Bethel) in the land of Canaan. There he built an altar, and he called the place El Bethel, because it was there that God revealed himself to him when he was fleeing from his brother." In order to understand the point that the preacher made we have to first know that "El" means 'God', and "Bethel" means 'house of God'. So the phrase "El Bethel" would mean the 'God of the house of God'. With the addition of "El" in the phrase, the emphasis is shifted from the place "Bethel" (house of God), to the actual occupier/owner/boss man "El" the GOD of the house of God. How often do we miss that? How often do we go to the HOUSE of God, rather than the GOD of the house? As we see at the end of verse 7, Jacob named it this because it was at this place that God revealed HIMSELF to him. GOD is what we should be seeking, praising, loving. Obviously this isn't saying to not be in the house of God--this is an important part of anybody's walk with Christ. But when we are there, let's stay focused on the One we're there for. Praise Him for the things we have yes, but praise HIM, not them.

Hope that made as much sense to someone as it did me. My notes are everywhere. And the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders reality show in the background didn't help either. ;)

StarWHAT?

2007-09-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

My roommate Laura has to watch STARWARS (I don't even know if that is one word or two) for her online class. Not just 1 of them....but ALL 6. I hate Starwars. Laura hates Starwars. We are about to have the most awful roommate-bonding experience ever because of this completely lame movie. I am SO sorry if you are a Starwars lover, but I for one don't understand it, and don't want to...and I hope our friendship (blogship) will not be too hindered by this fact. Oh heavens...there are some guy friends of hers over here watching with us (so much for roommate bonding...j/k i like them) and one of them is explaining something about Jet-eyes? Jedis? Jedies? (Clearly, I'm a fan.) I mean, I don't know, if someone else has to explain every scene because others in the room are THAT confused just seconds after the previews, what is the point?!

Ok. Venting done. Pretend smile, on. Wishing there were invisible i-pod headphones somewhere because I am craving some Brooke Fraser. Home girl can take Princess Lea (Leah? Lay-AH?) any day. (Is she even in this movie?)

Things That Make Me Smile :)

2007-09-18T14:49:00.000-05:00

*clothes right out of the dryer
*the pictures of my friends up around my room
*yankee candles
*prayer...and knowing HE hears me
*you've got mail (the movie)
*hallmark cards
*yoplait yogurt (key lime pie and apple turnover)
*being a worship leader for camp and retreats
*chocolate...any shape, size, packaging, and flavor
*F*R*I*E*N*D*S dvds
*blue eyes
*my scripture cards
*buy 2, get 1 free sales (even though you rarely need 3)
*artsy barnes & noble mugs :)
*journals, journals, journals
*black and white photography
*my red (with white polka-dot) shoes
*willow tree angels
*marathons on tv
*my ipod
*pumpkin spice lattes (thank you fall!!)
*knowing i am made COMPLETE in HIM
*lemon scented cleaning products
*sunsets
*the "pray hard" ring on my ring finger
*ice cream
*shelly e. bland ;)
*new nashville friends
*staying in my pjs all day
*brooke fraser (check her out!!)
*emptying the dishwasher (yeah, i know)
*panera
*being cozy under a blanket
*big bead necklaces
*Psalm 90:2 (the Message)
"...from 'once upon a time' to 'kingdom come' YOU ARE GOD."

You Go, Boys!

2007-09-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

I just spent the weekend in North Carolina leading at a youth retreat near Asheville (at Ridgecrest for those of you who are familiar with the area). As an extension of my summer camp job, we have a few events in the fall that are much smaller and more personal for groups to come and really dig in fast to the Word and God's heart for a little less than 2 days. Our speaker for this retreat was Stuart Hall, whom I pray you all get the chance to hear at some point in your life. He goes so deep so fast, that blinking or breathing in the wrong place can get you behind in a flash. Good stuff. During the last service this morning Stuart spoke from Acts 4, and it just hit me in the best way, so I wanted to share. I am not a speaker or writer and don't claim to be...so bear with the randomness that comes out of my head. :)

Acts 4:23-31
"On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God, "Sovereign Lord," they said, "you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. You spoke by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of your servant, our father David:

" 'Why do the nations rage
and the peoples plot in vain?
The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together
against the Lord
and against his Anointed One.' (Ps. 2:1-2)

Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders throughout the name of your holy servant Jesus."
After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly."
_________________

Just as a little background info, right before this, Peter and John (and the other apostles) were "teaching the people and proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection of the dead" (4:2) and the priest and Sadducees (who were Sad-You-See....HAHA...always loved that joke) came to put and end to their teaching. So, they commanded them "not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus" (4:18).
Their response to these leaders who more or less promised severe punishment?--
"We cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." (4:20)

--When is the last time that this was your (or my) response when you faced any sort of serious adversity for sharing your faith? These men KNEW the consequences that were promised to them by these leaders for proclaiming Christ, and they looked them straight in the eye and with OVERFLOWING hearts, COULD NOT CONTAIN their excitement and joy about their Savior. What in the world, I want those kind of guts for the Lord!

When they returned to their people to tell of their encounter with the leaders, their response was a prayer:
1) to a "Sovereign Lord"...they recognized immediately that God had a plan for them. He KNOWS all.
*v.28--"they did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen" God knew before they were opposed that the leaders would rise up against them...and they DID. But, Peter and John recognized this not as a road block to stop them, but as a part of His plan.
*He made everything--earth, heaven, sea (and EVERYTHING IN them)--He KNOWS about His creation
2)they remembered what was proclaimed in the Old Testament spoken by the Holy Spirit through David as he wrote that the kings and rulers would gather against the Lord and against his Anointed One (Ps 2) (and they did)
3)and KNOWING that the one thing they could be KILLED for was speaking out about Christ, they PRAYED FOR BOLDNESS to SPEAK to them!!!!
*Boldness--is courage, when you have something to LOSE. These leaders were people that they would have to be in contact with day in and day out that could significantly alter their lives, even to the point of death. Yet they stared the problem in the face and asked for courage to face it head on because they COULD NOT HELP but talk about what Christ had done for them.

I wonder when the last time was for you and I, that we risked something for our faith? That we put a relationship, or a reputation, or a job, or a bank account on the line for what we believed in. Not because it was the "right" thing to do...or the "Christian" thing to do. But because we were so filled by what Christ has done for us that we were honored to lose it all to spread His name. His glory. His love. His mercy. His grace. His freedom. And His heart's desire. Who in our lives do we know needs to be held accountable for something--needs to be called-out in LOVE (not, pride)--and have truth spoken over them in an area we know isn't surrendered to Christ? We all have those people in our lives--friends, CLOSE friends, and family members--people whose opinions matter to us...whose souls should matter more...that need to know the Love which could be theirs.

*Is He worth it to us?
*Is the experience that we have had with Him enough to want to share?
*Is our gratitude of Christ's presence in our own lives being kept silent in an effort to guarantee our place in His heart in case someone else tries to pass us in the race?
*Do we TRULY have a Godly jealousy for others to know and experience what we have, or have we pridefully attempted to mold our salvation into something we were able to accept and obtain on our own, and so, become stagnant...forgetting that it has nothing to do with the particles of dust that we are, and everything to do with the Saving God that HE is.
*Would we be gutsy enough to pray for BOLDNESS, when it most matters, and the most dear parts of our lives are at stake?
*What have we got to lose? Everything. But all of "everything" is NOTHING compared to what we have gained in CHRIST, who IS our EVERYTHING.

Confessions of a 20-something college graduate

2007-09-06T17:08:00.000-05:00

My name is Abby Lane Hinton. I am addicted to the following items which have consumed my life for the past 2 weeks:
(I am hoping at the conclusion of this email to be cleansed of my unrighteousness and begin the process of being addiction-free.)

~Coffee (i have the caffeine jitters right now)
~Ice Cream (ALL kinds)
~America's Next Top Model Re-runs (what?!)
~Checking my email (really? the world will not die if I don't respond within the hour)
~Sales at Target (oh geeze, is rent due again?)
~Krispy Kreme (we won't even go there)
~You Tube Videos (oh, the HOURS I've wasted)

**Appropriate substitution suggestions (and rehab encouragement) welcomed.**

Bianca Ryan from America's Got Talent

2007-09-04T14:15:00.001-05:00

If you have never heard of Bianca Ryan, you have GOT to watch this video. At 11 years old, she was one of the winners of America's Got Talent. This girl is the reason my clothes are STILL not unpacked from my move...I can not stop watching. She is THE most talented 11 year old I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure I didn't even know who Jennifer Holiday was when I was 11...

Give me Jesus

2007-08-26T13:37:00.000-05:00

This summer we sang a song most all of you know called "Jesus Paid it All". The last line of the chorus says, "Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow." One morning while we were singing this song in worship, we repeated this line several times as we were building into another section of the song. I started to concentrate on a different word of this line each time we repeated it, and I was just so in awe of the Lord by the end of it that I couldn't even play my keyboard part in the next section of the song.

HE--The God of the universe. My Creator, Sustainer, Redeemer, Rewarded, Rebuilder, Restorer, Maker all things new, Deliverer. My Father, Best Friend, Author of Salvation, Air I Breathe, Everything I know to be GOOD and TRUE. HE did it. HE took my sins away. Not MY efforts. Not MY works. Not my family. Not my best friend back home. Not a song that gives me chills. Not a TV show or magazine add that made me feel better or worse about myself. Not my good grades or social status. HE DID IT. I DIDN'T DESERVE IT. HE DIDN'T HAVE TO. BUT HE DID. HE did.

WASHED--I don't know about ya'll, but I actually like to do laundry. I LOVE the smell of just-cleaned clothes. I love the feel of just-out-of-the-dryer jeans and socks (in the winter...not so much in the blazing heat). I love knowing that the events of yesterday (the chocolate smudge on my jeans; the coffee I spilled on my shirt in the car; my socks that smelled from running) not only don't hinder my plans for today, but there is also no remaining evidence that they ever existed in my yesterday. They are gone. They've been scrubbed out. Rinsed out. And given a clean start to (inevitably) happen again. He WASHED my junk out. He-the God of the universe-took my DIRTY stains and gave me a brand NEW shirt. A NEW pair of socks to run in today. He knows the patterns of life that will again turn me away from His pure gift, but He does my laundry anyway.

IT--Sin. MY sin. The JUNK. The unforgivable. The things hidden in the secret places that I think no one else knows about. But He knows. And He forgives. He still chooses to take IT. My garbage. The box that I put Him in. The lack of trust. The worrying. The pride. The word. The thoughts. The actions. MY dumpster of rebellion and unbelief.

WHITE--Such a pretty color. :) I always thought those people who answered the question, "what is your favorite color" with "WHITE" were boring and not very risky. I mean come on...white? But now I think they were on to something. White is just a happy color to me. No spots or lines or worrying if it matches. PURE. Simple. CLEAN. That makes me think of laundry again. :) I have this thing where every time I sort of "start over" and recommit to something I always go by a new notebook or journal. It's a new beginning. Clean pages for a NEW story, with a different ending-hopefully a better one that takes me a little farther than before--a little closer to the goal...until I realize it's time to wipe the slate clean and try again. A new canvas for the artist to create a masterpiece.

AS--A comparison word. I almost skipped this word because please, it's like 2 letters and exists simply serves its grammatical purpose in completing the sentence. But then I started thinking about the meaning of comparing us to the next word seen below, and realized that this word "as" has more meaning than I thought. "White AS snow". Not ALMOST as white as snow. Not ALMOST pure and beautiful. Not ALMOST a clean slate. WHITE AS SNOW. PERIOD. The whole shebang. All of IT. GONE. HE makes us perfect and worthy. HE calls us into His own. He chose you. He chose me. In our darkest, dirtiest, most weak and pitiful state. And He washed us as white as snow.

SNOW--Some of my most joyful memories have been in snow storms. (Well, not so much IN the storm, but the aftermath when I get to enjoy it.) I love how PURE everything looks. How PEACEFUL. How that fresh blanket of got-me-out-of-school fun is so inviting as it beckons me to come and play--play like when I was a child and had no worries or fears--just complete delight in my surroundings. God invites us into the same purity as that of his perfect Son. To delight in everything that He is and surrounds us with. To be at peace with and in Him. To be beautiful because of Him. To be WASHED as WHITE as SNOW.

Please take a sec and click on the link below and be blessed by the worship you will find on the other side. (It is by the same girl whose video I posted earlier.) I listened to this with my eyes closed and all I could think was pure beauty.

Give Me Jesus

Brooke Fraser - Live At Yours Part 3

2007-08-26T13:07:00.001-05:00

My new favorite love :)
This girl is amazing and I just had to share...she is a pop star overseas and writes a lot for Hillsong ("Hosanna", "None by Jesus" etc).
Ya'll enjoy!! :)

Nashvegas

2007-08-23T11:18:00.000-05:00

Could I be more horrible at this blogging thing! O heavens I guess I have just been a little preoccupied with coming home from camp and moving to another state!!! I finally made it out here! For those wondering, I just moved from small town North Carolina to Nashville, TN (as of last night) to begin a new journey with the Lord doing ?????????????? I know the things I am passionate about and the Lord was very clear to me back in May that this was the place I was supposed to be for this season in my life. I don't know how long it will last, who I am supposed to meet out here, or what I will be doing for the next while, but I am excited and very much at peace about all of this. ("At peace" doesn't mean I'm not a little anxious about things so your prayers would be much appreciated if it ever comes to your mind! I am completely trusting the Lord to show me what is next, but let's face it...our trust of Him always has areas of improvement.) So I will be back real soon--as soon as I get my room set up and settled in! Love ya'll!!!

So on that note, I'm going to buy paint!!!!
Ps...if you haven't checked out the LPM blog today, please do so. Jesus used Mama Beth to scream in my face this morning...in the BEST most WONDERFUL way. :)

Stained Glass Masquerade

2007-08-09T23:44:00.001-05:00

I just really love the lyrics of this song (Casting Crowns) and wanted to share. :)
More later...

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today, feeling so small?
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away
like everything's ok
If I make 'em all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I'll play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles that hide our pain
but the invitations open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands raised?
Am I the only one who's traded in
The altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If i dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be
Or would your eyes be opened
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Are we happy plastic people
under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness
and smiles that hide our pain
but the invitations open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

How true, how true...

Gettin' Our Praise On

2007-08-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

Oh heavens. Short post, but I just had an experience that will go down in history (well, not in any books, but in my mind) as one of my all-time favorite worship experiences, EVER. We began our wake-up session at camp this morning by dancing down the aisles and on to the stage to MANDISA's version of SHACKLES off her new cd, TRUE BEAUTY. Imagine 1000 teenage campers (and some unhindered chaperones) dancing and praising the Lord for the chains (and ya'll, there were some TOUGH CHAINS this week) that He has broken and SET THEM FREE of...

..the SMILES
..the JOY
..the DANCING
..the PRAISING
..the CLAPPING
..the REJOICING
..the straight up WORSHIP of our KING.

What a GREAT day...and we haven't even had the preachin' yet. :)

In closing. BUY THE CD. and GET YOUR PRAISE ON.

Just in case you needed a laugh today...

2007-07-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

So last night we had a staff "gansta" party complete with "bouncers", VIP passes, and some of the worst dancing I've seen since MC Hammer and those silly pants he used to wear. In case some one is seriously needing to drop a few calories by laughing until their abs pop, I thought I'd post some pictures of this glorious event. Beware...Abby has only one "gansta" face...and after examining the evidence it was realized that this in fact is NOT a gansta face, but rather just the "kissy face" with a little attitude.

Hope your day is blessed at our expense.... :)

My fabulous "bouncer" brother and I...

My roommate Katie and I...

Yam the Smoothie maker Cruise...

A friendly one :)

Sister-in-law!!!

Katie's sister Kristen and I...

I have lots of things to tell, but that's all I got for now...go ahead...laugh it up!
I'll try to catch up this week with all of the amazing stories about what the Lord is doing here! I can't believe there are only 2 weeks left!

PS...Why do I feel like Shelly Bland would have done really well with this whole gansta thing?!?!

Cheap Grace

2007-07-19T16:29:00.000-05:00

Don't have much time before worship, but just wanted to share part of what I have been reading. I bought a book by John Piper at Passion 07' called When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight For Joy. I have just got around to reading it this summer and it is blowing my socks off. I have to read every page like 3 times just to even begin to understand his genius writing. I am now STUCK on a particular page because of a Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that Piper adds in at the bottom of the page. I just can't get over it, and the sadness of how true it really is...

"Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate....The only man who has the right to say that he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ...We...have gathered like eagles round the carcass of cheap grace, and there we have drunk of the poison which has killed the life of following Christ."

Sweet Jesus I pray for forgiveness for the ways that we have minimized you, contained you, tried to restrain you, and kept you from doing your work. I hate that we have even thought about making you anything your not, an at the same time not given you enough credit for ALL that you are. I pray that the world would see and know the true Christ, and not some fabrication of Him, or the version of Him that we have adopted and tried to mold you into to give to others. Reveal yourself to us in a way that makes us change and kills any evidence of cheap grace in our lives. We love you, help us love you more.

Locked Doors

2007-07-17T21:47:00.000-05:00

So I fully intended to come back after worship (and a little free time *grin*) and give my camp update of what has been happening here the last month and a half or so. That was the plan before worship. Then I went to worship, and the plan changed. I love it when that happens...sometimes Jesus just has a different agenda for our hearts and minds--and how messed up would we be not to follow in line at His feet and say YES SIR!!
Our proclaimer this week is a man named Adrian Despres (sp?...pronounced Doo-Pray). He is hands down one of the most amazing evangelist I've ever heard in my life. The message this evening wasn't specifically from this particular passage, but when Adrian rested here for a minute, the ears of my heart perked up and my toes got stepped on.

The address is Ezekiel 8. The subject, idolatry in the temple. The Lord leads Ezekiel to the temple in Jerusalem "to the entrance to the north gate of the inner court, where the idol that provokes to jealousy stood" (v.3) How true is that? How many times do our idols spring out of jealous admiration of THEIR___________ or THAT____________ that's not ours, but that we desperately want. Toe #1, ouch.
Verse 6..."Son of man, do you see what they are doing--the utterly detestable things the house of Israel is going here, things that will drive me far from my sanctuary?" How many times have I cause the Lord to want to turn from His dwelling place within my heart because of my SIN that disgusts Him? Toe #2.
(Cont.) "But you will see things that are even more detestable".
After digging through a hole in the wall, Ezekiel comes to a doorway (v8). At this point Adrian posed the option that maybe this doorway would have been locked because of the seriousness of what was going on behind it. Something about that idea just clicked with me. And on the other side of the doorway Ezekiel found...

"...I saw portrayed all over the walls all kinds of crawling things and detestable animals and all the idols of the house of Israel. In front of them stood seventy elders of the house of Israel, and Jaazaniah son of Shaphan was standing amount them. Each had a censer in his hand, and a fragrant cloud of incense was rising. [The Lord] said to me "Son of man, have you seen what the elders of the house of Israel are doing in the darkness, each at the shrine of his own idol? The say 'The Lord does not see us; the Lord has forsaken the land.' Again, he said, "You will see them doing things that are even more detestable."

All toes bruised.

This was one of those nights where you come face to face with Christ, and there is no denying the straight up JUNK in your life. The crawling, detestable idols and sins you THINK are hidden in your life are revealed before the cross, and you have no choice but to say I'M SORRY to the great I AM...humbly accept his grace...and repent.
Sometimes we keep things hidden behind our own "locked doors" thinking as long as they stay there, and we own the key, we can hide our secret lives and no one will know that we are still struggling to get it right...not even God.

NEWSFLASH. HE KNOWS. And you're not the only one with a key to that door. Every time you and I enter into our secret areas of lies and deception the Almighty SEES, and He KNOWS. One of my favorite Beth Moore illustrations is from her study on Jonah where she describes Jonah's mission to go to Nineveh and tell the people to repent. She compares their situation to someone who, in the middle of their darkest hour receives a letter from God that says something like, "I just wanted you to know, I KNOW. I know about the sin. The wickedness and depravity. I KNOW."
Can you imagine? Caught in the act. The moment your sin is nailing Christ to the cross, God just leans down and says, HELLO, I CAN SEE YOU. AND I KNOW.

What is behind your "locked door"? Tonight I came face to face with some areas that I needed to hand over the key to...including the extra copy I hid underneath my pillow in case I needed to take the back way in or out. It's time to hand over your key, say "I'm sorry", accept the grace freely given you, and repent like your life depends on it...cause it does.

PS...Then get up and throw a party cause Jesus loves you like no other and you are a new creation in Him. :)

Still breathing :)

2007-07-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

Just dropping in to say that after battling camp sickness twice, and depression from my blog hiatus (sp?) I'm still alive! I have several new blog friends to catch up with and re-pay them for a visit or two, and hope to do so very soon! Our camp team traveled to western North Carolina for 2 weeks for a break from the beach to do camp in the mountains, and it has been the biggest blessing!! We have had some much needed REST (there is nothing like napping in the mountains while the rain hits your window) and extra time to love on our God and let Him do the same to us! We are heading back to the beach this weekend for the last 4 weeks of camp at which point I will give an extremely over-due UPDATE on what the Lord has been doing with us for the last month and a half! (Be prepared for a novel!) Ahhh!! I am so excited!!!
In the meantime, thanks to those who keep visiting despite any recent news being posted, and I can't wait to catch up! ...I love how blog sistas talk like we're gonna be "haning out" soon...it makes me smile :)

Til the weekend...have a blast with your Creator!! :)
Much love, friends!!

It's ok to be jealous :)

2007-06-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

Told ya I'd bore you with more pictures real soon. These were taken by my fabulous big brother Aaron...he definitely got the picture-taking genes from dad...
Oh, and just in case I didn't mention it before............I LIVE HERE. ;)

How marvelous, How wonderful, and my song shall ever be...

It is well with my soul...

I wish I could paint...

What an artist we serve...

Leaves me speechless....

The earth isn't flat...

2007-06-08T13:23:00.000-05:00

...but I've certainly fallen off of it...as far as blogging is concerned. :)
A week and a half ago I drove the 6 hours from my house to my summer "home" on Oak Island. This is the 4th summer that I've spent here at a place called Caswell. It is a youth camp run by the Baptist State Convention on the coast of North Carolina (about 45 minutes south of Wilmington) Every week we have anywhere from 800-1000 kids come from churches all over North Carolina to spend a week learning about the Lord and (let's face it) chilling at the beach with all of their friends (minus their parents). I worked as a housekeeper here for 2 summers and was responsible for the largest barrack house cleaned by the summer staff. I cooked anywhere from 400-800 biscuits in the cafeteria each morning (depending out how many were eating with us) and then went straight to my house to clean. I think the cleaning count was 23 toilets, around 30 sinks, 27 showers, 30+ mirrors....and 23 bathrooms to sweep/mop and bedrooms to vacuum....A DAY....and all in about 3 1/2 hours (with my assistant). It was a lot to take care of, but when you have the entire afternoon off at the pool and/or beach somehow motivation just wasn't an issue.
Last year after much praying, I auditioned for the program staff that works here and am now back for my second summer of singing/playing keyboard in the band. So basically my life for these three months consist of the following:

*Eating FREE food
*Living in a hotel room with my OWN double bed for FREE
*Living at the BEACH (again, for FREE)
*Being paid to sing and play in a praise band twice a day and teach Bible study.

And did I mention...this is where I live...

Don't worry I'll bore you with more pictures later, but until then...if I happen to be absent for a few days it's because I'm somewhere lost in the beauty of this place and the grace of my Jesus.

Hair and Humility

2007-05-22T20:44:00.000-05:00

Oh heavens. I just remembered this story and I am laughing and haven’t even started writing. A few weeks ago a woman came with her husband into the shop where I work to buy an apple. (I work at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory where we sell like 35 kinds of CARAMEL apples…so when I say apple, I don’t just mean something Granny Smith pulled off a tree…these are some serious fruit snacks.)The woman was very put-together and had just finished what appeared to have been a pretty major shopping trip with her not-so-thrilled husband. I offered her a sample (as we do with every customer) and she, in what I’m sure was her sweetest voice ever, said, “Who does your eyebrows?”

Ok. You have to know a few things. I could not be more ignorant when it comes to anything “beauty” related. I happen to be sort of good at putting on eye-shadow, but as far as the upkeep of the latest hairstyles, shoes, major fashion trends, or in this case-eyebrows—FORGET IT. Any success I may have in those areas is honestly a mistake. I’m that pitiful girl that tries to keep up and gets so excited when I get something that’s “in style” usually to find out that I’m a year or two late on the trend wagon. (Side note: On top of that I have enormous feet so the once cute size 5’s end up looking like vacation yachts on my size 12 feet. Anyhow…that’s another basket of family jokes.)

That same week, the Lord had been teaching me SO much about humility… (Philippians 2 rocks my face off)…and just not being so concerned with material things and the way I look, etc, etc. So you can imagine that when I walked through the doors at the chocolate factory that night thinking I should have been winning an award for the amazing hair night I was having (I mean seriously…not a trace of frizz) the good Lord just couldn't pass up an opportunity to teach me another lesson.

LADY: “Who does your eyebrows?”
*ME Confused…Did she just ask about my eyebrows?: “I’m sorry?”
LADY: “Who does your eyebrows? (A little closer to my face) Did you do them?”
*ME Shocked and Hesitant: “Um, no one, yeah I did.” (Thought to self—a good hair day, and complement on my brows…maybe I should go to beauty school?)
LADY (Moment of truth): “Honey you did them wrong. They do not look good. They are not even.”

***Suddenly I hated that rule about the customer always being right.***

*ME Covering up my poor beauty skills: (Quick who else can you blame for this beauty tragedy?!?!?) “Oh well, a friend of my did them at camp, and I’ve just kept them the same…so I guess I’ll have her fix them.”

***Oh please, that was a one-time deal over 6 years ago, I’m pretty sure I’ve plucked a few hairs (apparently too many on one side) since then.***

LADY: “I’m a beautician…I could fix those for you. Or you should just go next door [we are next to a salon] and have Brenda do it. She really is the best—I know she could fix that for you. But you really should have that fixed.” (Was the emphasis on really necessary?)

..So not only did I fail my daily humility test by boasting about my frizz-free locks…now I gotta read up on blatantly lying, hateful thoughts, (and after my co-worker venting session)…gossip. Oh, and she didn't even buy an apple.

New Sister!!!

2007-05-21T00:16:00.001-05:00

Back to the writing later...but for now, I have a new sister!!! I could not have asked for someone more wonderful for my brother. She is the most beautiful woman ever, and just completed our family perfectly! Downey Washburn Hinton, I love you!! :)

Don't worry, I'll bore you with more pictures later ;)

Procrastination Grace

2007-05-13T00:12:00.000-05:00

I am so tired I could faint. But I had to document my most idiotic event in my college career. (I would say "in my life", but I assure you there will be others after this one).

So I thought I would be smart and beat the system by borrowing my brother's cap and gown from 2 years ago since after tomorrow we will have graduated from the same university. :)
I had already waited until this past Tuesday to check out that situation while I was home...not sure if his old blue dress was even in Lenoir, or if it was on Oak Island where he now resides. But praise the Lord there it was in his unpainted closet--balled up in it's original Student Stores bag (with receipt and everything)--in a old box underneath his hanging clothes. Much joy and celebration for my bank account!!!

I was a little concerned about how wrinkled it was considering I can't really iron it and steaming things was not on my to-do list in the hectic days leading up to my diploma. However mom assured me that I could just leave it hanging in the bathroom when the shower was on and the steam from that would probably do the trick. (Note to self: Mom is intelligent. Keep her around.) So tonight I tried this wonderful trick, and low and behold it worked!

My sub leaser for the summer has already moved in so I'm chilling in my new "room" which consist of the living room couch and a corner of the dining room where my furniture is shoved aside until moving day. So I was going to borrow my roommate Katie's door just to hang my gown on (lol that sounds like my grandma's nightie--sp?--). I happen to glance over at her closet when a big blue hanging thing caught my eye.

First thought (mindless): "Oh, that's her gown."
Second thought (puzzled): "Hmm why does it look brighter than mine."
Third thought (surely not): "Double hmm...it's thicker too."
Fourth thought as I cut on the light (mom's gonna kill me): "THAT'S A DIFFERENT GOWN."

That's right. Apparently, in an attempt to stay "up with the latest fashion" my lovely university now has different graduation gowns. Different than the ones they had 2 years ago. Are you kidding me? As if we haven't paid enough money already, you're gonna suck out the last 50 dollars by making me purchase a see-through choir robe that not only I can never wear again, but no one else can ever use either?!

Oh please. I don't really care that my gown is 2 shades of Carolina blue lighter and slightly more iridescent than the one I'm supposed to have. OR, that the cap I have is accompanied by a 2005 tassel instead of 2007 because I also forgot (slash didn't make time this week) to buy a new one for the actual year of my commencement. No, I honestly am not concerned about those things. However, my mother may have a cow if I am not wearing the proper uniform tomorrow. Not because she's uptight or stuck up or anything like that. But let's face it. I am her BABY...literally...I'm the last one. So she is going to be soaking up every bit of this glorious day, and I'm not going to ruin it by graduating in the a) wrong gown b)wrong tassel or c) frizzy hair (it is supposed to rain so I've already made arrangements with my alarm clock to nip that issue in the bud by getting up in time to "deal" with that. On top of that it is MOTHER'S DAY...AND her oldest child is getting married next weekend. I refuse to be another source of stress and tears!!

So I will be waking up in 5 hours to sit at the door of Student Stores and bang on it until they are open to purchase the correct cap and gown needed for my 9:30 ceremony in Kenan Stadium. Dear Jesus, PLEASE let them be open. I need "procrastination grace" at 8:00am!!!
(Prayers appreciated!)
So much for trying to beat the system. So long Carolina...thanks for eating my bank account once again.

"I'm a tarheel born, I'm a tarheel bread, and when I die I'll be a broke tarheel dead."
That's all. :) Good night.

Tacky Walls and Junk Drawers

2007-05-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

So last night I realized that my sub-leaser for the summer was moving in on Tuesday. That would now be tomorrow. Then I realized that she was in fact NOT moving in off the street and she would actually have STUFF to put in here. In MY room. My LAST college room. EVER.

And suddenly I liked the fact...
*that nothing in my room matches
*that I have my name tackily written out with polka-dot ribbons and pictures on the wall above my bed (ok, FUTON)
*that I have as much plastic furniture as I do wood furniture
*that I have a lamp on my dresser that hasn't worked since August because I got the bottom of a lightbulb stuck in it and I'm too scared to get it out
*that The Preacher's Wife and The Parent Trap (Lindsay Lohan version) have been played on this tv AT LEAST 30 times a piece this year....and BOTH of them last night
*that I STILL have dishes sitting beside my bed from my late-night cereal cravings
*that my suitcase was still sitting stuffed in the bottom of my closet where it has been since August because I was too lazy to put the empty thing back in my car to save space
*that I successfully started and grew my "junk draw" in the top left drawer of my desk as with every other room or space I've ever occupied (and that I have now waited until everything else was packed to go through it)
*and that I have left my mark on this apt. with a multitude of tiny holes in the walls where my push-pins once held up my memories

And then, 2 hours later, it was all gone. Packed in boxes. Stuffed in my car. And ready to go to the next space I will call home. It's funny...you're faced with the impossible--packing up the last 4 years of your life and convincing your heart to move on--and it takes just 2 hours.

So it's official. Exactly 6 days from now I will leave Carolina--the place that changed my blood to blue--and no longer call this town my home. I'll venture off to a new life, in a new state, with new friends (and a new Starbucks) and put up my tacky decorations on a new set of walls.
My gas tank is full and Christy is waiting in the CD player. Watch out world, here I come.
Well, after I get my brake-light fixed.

It's party time

2007-05-06T00:14:00.000-05:00

The Angel Stadium Declaration April 17, 2005

Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering; I've made my choice, the verdict is in and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!
I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communitcate His word.
Since my past has been forgiven and I have a purpose for living and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead, I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of His family.
Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position, and pleasures. I know what matters most and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.
I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tire, I won't back up, back off, back down, back out or backslide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, purpose-driven and mission-focused so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.
I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything that God entrusts to me.
To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I say: However, Whenever, Wherever and Whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is yes! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord; Whatever it takes! I want to be used by you inn such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say, "Well down, thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin."

my summer sistas :)

2007-04-13T23:54:00.000-05:00

i mean seriously...most amazing girls ever...Give Him Praise! :)

...and now i'm free

2007-04-12T19:27:00.000-05:00

I still can't think about that night without getting a little teary-eyed, followed by a smile that has a mind of it's own and completely overtakes my soul--The night I fell into the arms of Jesus and became a permanent bond slave to the cross.

Louie Giglio had just preached a sermon that nearly broke my heart (in the best of ways). I'll just put a few of my notes down because I don't really know how to condense it to tell it without giving you the entire script.
*God does the work for qualifying us into the kingdom
*Our God CHOSE to make a way for us when there wasn't one--HE brought us OUT of the darkness of the 'other' kingdom (the world)
*Sin causes us to be spiritually dead; dead people can't help themselves; God did NOT have to help us because of our mistake
*OUR STORY IS A STORY OF RESCUE!!
*God has different priorities and plans for us
*God sees something in you of such worth that He ransomed His own Son's life for it

Throughout his sermon (sorry I'm Baptist, I don't know what else to call it) he used an illustration with a rather large flower/plant (sorry, can't remember what kind) to represent Christ. He pointed us to a verse in Isaiah saying that He (meaning Christ) grew up before him like a tender shoot out of dry ground. So the whole night he is just lavishing complements on this flower as He compares it to the beauty of Christ. Then out of no where Louie whips out these big clipper things (gah this would be so much better if i actually had a large vocabulary) and just chops the plant right in two. My heart stopped. Because in THAT MOMENT I felt the same thing happen to my heart. I don't know why God chose that moment, but there it was. Everything I had kept bottled up inside since I was 12 was broken and freed the moment that plant was stripped of it's life. It's beautiful, perfect, innocent life. And then I GOT IT. I just got it. I finally internalized the meaning of what the cross had meant for me. It was the Lord's will to crush his Son and cause Him to suffer--ALL so that I, so that we, could have our sins ERASED and be reunited with Him for eternity. He did that for the sickest and the most broken people on the planet. For 22 years I have known that in my head, but it never connected with my heart. I hadn't been willing to give up myself entirely and let God in. I KNEW that's what I had to do, I knew it's what I SHOULD do--and I WANTED to--but not until that moment did I, in my heart, let it happen.

We began to sing Amazing Grace--OH those words have never sounded so sweet to me--and my legs just stood me up. I say that because I'm not usually one to feel comfortable being the only one standing out of about 50 people in an auditorium seating section. But there I was--there we were, me and Jesus. And I didn't care who else was in the room. I figure the chains must have broken off of my body in order, from my feet to my head. Because that's exactly how it happened. My legs stood up, then my torso (funny word), followed by my arms, and then my hands with fingers fully extended up to heaven. Then it started coming out of my eyeballs in the biggest tears I've ever cried in my life. I was just as broken as I knew how to be, but so filled up with the Holy Spirit I could nearly contain myself. The chorus of that song is forever planted in my heart...

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God My Savior
Has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love
Amazing Grace

Indeed my chains are gone. Those lies that held on to me and guided my thinking for so long have been erased from my mind. Now of course I would be an idiot to think I am somehow immune to the enemy's lies, his self-destructing nature, or his plan of failure he has laid out just for me. Quite the opposite. He's got his eye on me like never before, and is waiting at every corner to lure me back to the pit I had decorated with my most favorite things. The difference now is the day I surrendered to God, I also gave up believing I had any ability to fight my battles alone. I most certainly do not. But within me is the power of the ONE who can. CHRIST IN ME!!

Is the road easier walking in freedom? Not always. In fact, most days it is harder. But the load is lighter. The reward is greater. And the battle is already won.

waiting on your love

2007-02-24T22:39:00.000-06:00

I promise to get back to the previous two posts--FREEDOM IN CHRIST! But I don't want to rush through it and risk minimizing the most amazing moment of my life just to have more words to post. But it DID happen, I AM currently living FREE of those shackles, chains, and the death grip that Satan once had on my heart and mind. I am still AMAZED at how the Lord DELIVERED me as only He can. How AWESOME is the Lord Most High!! :)

...but as a side note, I just wanted to share the lyrics from an unbelievable song by Justin McRoberts. I was reminded of this song a few days ago while icing my toes after reading a fellow sister in Christ's blog post (see Melissa's post on the LPM blog if you're interested!) about how we as Americans tend to idolize celebs and those around us in the lime light--we are OBSESSED with every part of their lives--as if they were any different from the millions of us watching them. Why DO we expect them to never have a bad hair day, never resort to wearing sweatpants, or have a "tiff" with a loved one? When they do it right, we want to be their best friend...but when they screw up?? --we criticize them for being immoral, having poor judgment, and actually living up to the HUMAN standards we ignorantly thought they lived above. What a cry for help--what a desperate plea for the freedom we have refused them, that God so longs to give them. What a sad thing to know, that it is US who have thrown them in this pit in the first place.

Waiting on your Love
There's nothing so heavy
Weighing down the soul
As the weight of nothing
Worth my strength to hold

There's no pain so cutting
No battle as in vain
As the constant battle
To avoid the pain

You were poor when you were born
You could see your Father clearly
From the nothing that you owned

Free me from these binds, Lord
I am choking on the gifts this world gives, Jesus
I am waiting on your love

So as your word has promised
I must clearly choose
To lost my life and gain your love
Or love my life and lose

You were poor when you were born
You could see your Father clearly
From the nothing that you owned

Free me from these binds, Lord
I am choking on the gifts this world gives, Jesus
I am waiting on your love

Free me Lord to live this life
Believing all I really have is YOU
I'm waiting on your love

Lord, how we need to be freed from the chains we have allowed to be placed on ourselves and those that we have placed on others!! Please take every "self" praise out of our hearts and minds and may we praise NO other and lift NO other up above YOUR NAME!! Praise you Lord for you are the one true Deliverer and Savior of our souls! In the MIGHTY name of Jesus, SAVE US from ourselves!!

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite books/authors. May you be blessed and encouraged by these words as I have...

"You and I as believers in Christ have also been chosen to know and believe and understand that HE IS GOD. Our lives have been sanctified by the one true God. Heaven is HIS throne. Earth is His footstool. Awesome creatures never cease day or night singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty!" Lightning flashes from His throne. The winds do His bidding. The clouds are His chariot. The earth trembles at the sound of His voice. When He stands to His feet, His enemies are scattered. He is transcendent over all things. Absolute. Uncontested. Omniscient. Omnipresent. The Lord God omnipotent reigneth. HE IS GOD and there is NO OTHER."
-Beth Moore, Praying God's Word

breaking free, or tightening the chains?

2007-02-16T22:45:00.000-06:00

As I continue to reveal bits and pieces of the whole puzzle of my story, I wanted to share another journal entry--this one from before I left for Passion. I had just started Beth Moore's book "Breaking Free"--honestly, I started it sort of in anticipation for what I knew was going to be a life-changing week in Atlanta. I mean, "camp" is always that way...surely this would be too. Right? (Oh I hate how I put God in a box and think He only "lives" in the masses!) Regardless, I felt something stirring in my heart (or at least pretended that it was there) and wanted to prepare for the possibility that my toes were about to be stepped on. Little did I know this was the beginning of the very process that GOD had been anticipating in my life for quite some time. Was I ready? Heck no. Was I knocked off my feet to fall flat on my face? You had better believe it.

" 'So much for breaking free'. That is my first thought as I sit down tonight. I had it all planned--this was going to be it. Once and for all. Here is it 3 weeks later and I am physically disgusted at the person I have become--the complete opposite of what I (what God) had intended I'm sure, upon my beginning this process. Sick to my stomach. My lack of accepting His heart leaves me feeling like a total stranger to the throne of grace, yet I have met it more times in this season than I care to remember. All these truths I know--I've known--my whole life...or at least learned at some point along the journey. But they are not yet a part of me. My outward, public-face, sure. I can speak any number of them to a friend in need.--But to plant them into my own belief system for so long has been my greatest impossibility. For example, in my testimony video last summer, I pleaded with the campers--Don't wait until you've got your life together-because it will NEVER happen--come just as you are to God's love and grace; be broken and weak in His presence, so that He can be whole and strong in yours.I sung it on that stage to thousands- 'There is no guilt here. There is no shame...there's only grace, there's only love, there's only mercy, and BELIEVE ME IT'S ENOUGH.' I now know what they guy meant when he said 'Christians don't say lies, they sing them.'

I am doing exactly what Beth even urged us in this study not to do. --DON'T act like you're the only person in the world that God can't help or the only one with a problem too big for Him to handle. But I have suppressed all of this for so long. We're talking years. I know that I've got to face these things head-on, straight through, and stop ignoring and suppressing them. Otherwise, the devil is going to get a stronger foothold that I can handle--and I'm afraid he already has. As I sit here in silence, I am thinking of all the things I want to say to God--and then wonder why I don't just say them. He knows I'm thinking them, but I just ignore it and pretend that if I don't think about it, don't talk to Him, that it will all just go away.

My Bible stares me in the face. I carry it around everywhere as if to make myself feel better about the fact that I haven't opened it in days--maybe if they see me with it they'll think that everything is alright in my world that I keep so hidden. I'm a minister's daughter for Pete's sake...I'm supposed to have it all together. Where did I come up with that? Why did I always feel so outcast as a child? Why do I feel so lonely all of the time now? I don't fit in. Anywhere. Never have. I'm always like the friend after-thought. Like 'oh you should have called, we would have loved you to come'--well then you would have thought to call me. Right? I'm not blaming them. Or am I? It this just another way of putting it off? How did I get here?

The enemy has got me questioning whether Jesus or God even exists. I KNOW HE DOES. I've seen Him in my friend's and families faces. I've felt Him in my heart. I've experienced His hand in my life. So why do I doubt? To bring me closer to Him, right. But why am I needing to doubt? Which area(s) of my life am I needing to let go of or work on that's got me so out of wack that I'm questioning my own knowledge of the truth that I've WITNESSED?

In order to beat the devil, sometimes you have to fight. I don't know if I'm ready for what he's got, or why I'm even in the mood to fight. Maybe it's because I just watched a girl-power, kick-butt movie and the ugly-duckling came out on top. I see myself as her. I want that confidence--I want that success, but at what price? Am I willing to 'sell my soul' to be that girl? I just want to learn to love myself the way that God does. I want to see myself through His eyes--the good and the ugly--so that when I see the ugly, I can learn to recognize it and ask Him to replace it with only Him.

Am I ready to break free? I don't know. I want to be, but the reality of that answer I'm afraid is a scary one. It's going to mean giving up control of everything I only thought was mine to begin with."

If that wasn't a cry for freedom I don't know what is!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy put, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." ~Psalm 40:1-3

Thank you Father, for rescuing me from my own self destruction and pit of foolish lies! I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

an internal battle: the war begins

2007-02-08T22:43:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to share this next post. (Haha...I just spelled "poast" accidently and it made me think of toast...and then I got hungry..) Maybe it's because I'm stalling to write my lesson on healthy teeth for my first graders tomorrow. :) Maybe it's because I'm jittery after the coffee I just drank and need to exercise my fingers. But maybe it's because I'm finding that every time I share a little bit more of my story, it hurts a little less--and gets me one step closer to reclaiming much surrendered ground from the enemy--ground that never should have been his in the first place. Maybe you've been there, maybe you haven't...or maybe you've experienced this same kind of attach from Satan in a different area of your life. The words that are about to follow are not easy to share. At one point the truth of my circumstances hurt my heart more than ever. But they are also healing words--words of a PAST that as of January 1, 2007, I have been DELIVERED from; completely FREED from--and words that brought me into the greatest LOVE relationship of my life with Jesus Christ, my one and only.

So here it goes...my first journal after returning from Passion '07 in Atlanta.. (forgive me, sometimes I talk to my journal like it can answer me back. *grin*)

"I can't tell you what joy I have in my heart as I write this. I just returned from the Passion '07 Conference where my life was forever changed. I mean FOREVER CHANGED. I am NOT the most articulate gal God ever created (don't worry...we've talked it through and He's ok with that), so you will have to bear with me as I stumble through this. As I sit here writing, I am clutching a kleenex in my hand to catch the ocean of tears that are streaming down my face. They are the happiest, most wonderful tears I have ever cried in my life.

I have struggled with issues of insecurity and self-esteem for as long as I can remember. By the grace of God I never had the desire to experiment with my wild side in high school and so never had to deal with any major struggles of drugs or alcohol--I just had no interest what-so-ever. The devil KNEW where to get me though. I honestly can not remember a single day where I walked out of the house feeling 'pretty' and was constantly eaten away by the (what I now know are)-->lies in my head that told me I was worthless, had no value, and meant nothing to anybody--except my family, who had to love me cause they were my family. I never really 'fit' in anywhere with a particular friend group. I was just sort of a wall flower that got lost in the shadows of everyone else.

I know that most girls struggle with image issues or self-esteem battles, but for me, this was the largest stronghold of my life. I can remember going all day without food. I never ate breakfast and would skip lunch to 'do homework', and then go bust my tail at either soccer, volleyball, or basketball practice...followed by some more running at the walking park near my house...you know, just in case I happened to breathe in some calories from a piece of gum when someone walked by.

I can just remember those thoughts of 'you will never be good enough', 'you are too fat', and 'you're so ugly' as I tried on clothes and refused to by them if they were past a certain number. Whenever I felt too full, I would go upstairs to the bathroom and stand over the toilet in an absolute war with myself--hoping that I had the courage to go through with it, and praying that I didn't. The Lord is the only explanation for why I never was able to give myself the eating disorder my flesh so desired. Praise the Lord for He is faithful even when we are not!

This past fall, I attended the Women of Faith 'Contagious Joy' Conference in Charlotte...and contagious joy I caught. Well, for like a week. I quickly fell right back down into my pit of lies--worrying that I would never fully know God's plan for my life because I couldn't (well-wouldn't) trust the things that He said about me long enough to stand on my own two feet. As ludicrous as it sounds, I REALLY thought that I was the one person God could not use or love, and that my mistakes were unforgivable.

The problem for me was never not-knowing the truths that God said about me--it was that I didn't believe them. I was so far into the enemies lies, he had me making up new lies myself that I SO believed had to be true--even though they could not have been farther from the truth. The enemy was prepared to kill, steal, and destroy me...and so far, I hadn't put up much of a fight."

my wallet may thank me

2007-02-04T17:20:00.000-06:00

I used to hate blogs. I always swore I'd never have one. I have always kept a journal (obsessively in fact) but just preferred to actually use a pen and paper to do it. It's funny--I can't stand to write for school, but give me a new journal and a good cup of coffee and I can get lost for hours trying to capture my own thoughts. But online journaling? Never. Maybe I just always assumed I didn't have anything to say...or what I had to say wasn't worth anybody else waisting their time to read it. In recent weeks, however, I have been so blessed by one particular blog that it inspired me to take the plunge. No one may ever read a word I write on this blog. But the small chance that someone could be so blessed by a word or two, as I have been by the words of my sisters in Christ on other sites, I think is worth more than my insecurity about the worth of my thoughts. Who knows...maybe it'll save me a few bucks on a new journal. :)