As I continue to reveal bits and pieces of the whole puzzle of my story, I wanted to share another journal entry--this one from before I left for Passion. I had just started Beth Moore's book "Breaking Free"--honestly, I started it sort of in anticipation for what I knew was going to be a life-changing week in Atlanta. I mean, "camp" is always that way...surely this would be too. Right? (Oh I hate how I put God in a box and think He only "lives" in the masses!) Regardless, I felt something stirring in my heart (or at least pretended that it was there) and wanted to prepare for the possibility that my toes were about to be stepped on. Little did I know this was the beginning of the very process that GOD had been anticipating in my life for quite some time. Was I ready? Heck no. Was I knocked off my feet to fall flat on my face? You had better believe it.
" 'So much for breaking free'. That is my first thought as I sit down tonight. I had it all planned--this was going to be it. Once and for all. Here is it 3 weeks later and I am physically disgusted at the person I have become--the complete opposite of what I (what God) had intended I'm sure, upon my beginning this process. Sick to my stomach. My lack of accepting His heart leaves me feeling like a total stranger to the throne of grace, yet I have met it more times in this season than I care to remember. All these truths I know--I've known--my whole life...or at least learned at some point along the journey. But they are not yet a part of me. My outward, public-face, sure. I can speak any number of them to a friend in need.--But to plant them into my own belief system for so long has been my greatest impossibility. For example, in my testimony video last summer, I pleaded with the campers--Don't wait until you've got your life together-because it will NEVER happen--come just as you are to God's love and grace; be broken and weak in His presence, so that He can be whole and strong in yours.I sung it on that stage to thousands- 'There is no guilt here. There is no shame...there's only grace, there's only love, there's only mercy, and BELIEVE ME IT'S ENOUGH.' I now know what they guy meant when he said 'Christians don't say lies, they sing them.'
I am doing exactly what Beth even urged us in this study not to do. --DON'T act like you're the only person in the world that God can't help or the only one with a problem too big for Him to handle. But I have suppressed all of this for so long. We're talking years. I know that I've got to face these things head-on, straight through, and stop ignoring and suppressing them. Otherwise, the devil is going to get a stronger foothold that I can handle--and I'm afraid he already has. As I sit here in silence, I am thinking of all the things I want to say to God--and then wonder why I don't just say them. He knows I'm thinking them, but I just ignore it and pretend that if I don't think about it, don't talk to Him, that it will all just go away.
My Bible stares me in the face. I carry it around everywhere as if to make myself feel better about the fact that I haven't opened it in days--maybe if they see me with it they'll think that everything is alright in my world that I keep so hidden. I'm a minister's daughter for Pete's sake...I'm supposed to have it all together. Where did I come up with that? Why did I always feel so outcast as a child? Why do I feel so lonely all of the time now? I don't fit in. Anywhere. Never have. I'm always like the friend after-thought. Like 'oh you should have called, we would have loved you to come'--well then you would have thought to call me. Right? I'm not blaming them. Or am I? It this just another way of putting it off? How did I get here?
The enemy has got me questioning whether Jesus or God even exists. I KNOW HE DOES. I've seen Him in my friend's and families faces. I've felt Him in my heart. I've experienced His hand in my life. So why do I doubt? To bring me closer to Him, right. But why am I needing to doubt? Which area(s) of my life am I needing to let go of or work on that's got me so out of wack that I'm questioning my own knowledge of the truth that I've WITNESSED?
In order to beat the devil, sometimes you have to fight. I don't know if I'm ready for what he's got, or why I'm even in the mood to fight. Maybe it's because I just watched a girl-power, kick-butt movie and the ugly-duckling came out on top. I see myself as her. I want that confidence--I want that success, but at what price? Am I willing to 'sell my soul' to be that girl? I just want to learn to love myself the way that God does. I want to see myself through His eyes--the good and the ugly--so that when I see the ugly, I can learn to recognize it and ask Him to replace it with only Him.
Am I ready to break free? I don't know. I want to be, but the reality of that answer I'm afraid is a scary one. It's going to mean giving up control of everything I only thought was mine to begin with."
If that wasn't a cry for freedom I don't know what is!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy put, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." ~Psalm 40:1-3
Thank you Father, for rescuing me from my own self destruction and pit of foolish lies! I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!